Schism
by FaeryPrincess59
Summary: I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away Part III...after the match of her career Destiny sees things finally working themselves out, her life seems to be getting back on track...but this is Destiny's life...not everything can be on track
1. Chapter 1

Hey all, I just want to thank everyone who's read and reviewed this story as we embark on part three. It started out as a funny sex story and sort of blew up into something else. I just want to say that I really appreciate everyone's reviews and interests in Destiny's psycho life. The reviews really do mean a lot to me, no matter what kind, good or bad. Just wanted to say thanks for reading and reviewing and all that :)

They say it's life's most unexpected moments that make it worth living. My life then, has to be worth living. Nothing is ever expected. I get scared when anything goes the way I had imagined it would. How Matt, Jeff, and myself worked everything out, that was scary. Everything fell into place without any complications what so ever. I had spent a year trying to work everything out, and, in less than an hour, it had. Seemed too good to be true, but it was true. What didn't scare me was my injury. What my injury could do is what scared me, but for a different reason. I had expected to get hurt, I didn't anticipate surgery. But, because I didn't expect it made it ok. It's hard to explain.

What happened with Jay, though unexpected, was a bit scary. I never once thought Jay would think of me as anything more than a friend. We were close, very close, I trusted him with everything. We were living together, he was helping me with my son. He was sweet and kind and everything a girl would ever want in a man, but I never thought I wanted him that way, and I never once thought he wanted me. Jay is the perfect man, well, as close as you can get. Perfection never sat with me, mostly because I was so imperfect, I liked my boyfriends to have flaws, big ones. Jay never had a serious flaw that I could see. Jeff has one, it's one I have. We're secluded, unpredictable, insane almost. But Jay, he's different, and any girl would be stupid to pass him up if he ever made a move. Was I stupid?

The question of my stupidity and intelligence has been one asked to me on several occasions for most of my life. But, here in the WWF it's been tested most of all. My desire for insane, intense, and extreme matches, like the one I had just done, that always gets the "what are you stupid?" question. My sanity's questioned a lot too. So, one would think that, yes, I would pass this up. I had to, because, well, I'm not all the bright.

I have seen many girls in Jay's life before, most were unimportant to really mention. he had several "girlfriends" here and there, but his profession pushed them away. Jay needs a strong girl that can accept what he does. Not many people can accept what we do. They say marry within the business, that way, you know where the other one is at all times. Makes sense, but it's too much. There are the ups and downs to that, as there is with anything. I think it all has to do with the people involved. I've dated within the business, and I think I can do it again. I'd marry a wrestler.

Jay's too nice sometimes too. He gets walked on, a lot. A lot of women don't know how to handle someone like Jay. He's too good for most of them. He deserves someone who's just as good as he is. Someone who's heart is always in the right place. Someone funny and with a sense of humor. What Jay needs and deserves is hard to come by, almost impossible to find. I've been looking.

That brings me to this question, why me? I am far from perfect, I'm far from what he deserves. Jay deserves nice, and I am not a nice girl. I don't know what I am. I know I'm a bit messed up, slightly exocentric, very over the top. They say opposites attract. But, when things are so opposite, it's hard to find something to attract to, except looks, and that's not a good thing to base any relationship on. So, I'll ask it again, why me?

I remember waking up after my surgery in the recovery room. I was tied to my bed so I wouldn't move. I opened my eyes and everything was very blurry. My lips and throat were dry, and my throat was sore from being intibated. I licked my lips and looked around the room. A nurse came to me to check on me.

"Don't try to speak yet, do you want some ice chips?"

"Please," I answered just above a whisper.

She walked over with a cup full of ice chips and handed them to me. I put a few in my mouth.

"You're the wrestler, aren't you?" she asked me. I nodded. "I can tell. Pretty crazy. I saw your friends waiting in the waiting room. Seemed real worried about you. They'll be real happy when you go back to your room."

I was feeling very sore. I tried to sit up, but couldn't. The same nurse came back and put some pain meds into my IV. The drugs that Paul told me about. They really are wonderful.

A doctor came up to me and checked me over. He said I had to wait one more hour before I was able to go back to my room. There was some swelling from my surgery he wanted to come down before I was moved. He told me that once the swelling went down, I'd feel much better. I would be able to leave the hospital in two days.

"Someone will be down to your room later on today to evaluate you, see how much mobility you've got and all that," he told me. "You will need some physical therapy, get strength back. But, if you have the will, you won't need a walker."

"Will I have," I said.

"Good, then," he replied, then left.

I had plenty will power, though it has been tested over the years. For better or for worse, I've always managed to come out on top, no matter how long it took me to get there. I just can't give up. There have always been times where I've felt like I had to, but I couldn't. Giving up was never in my vocabulary. I proved myself time and time again. I felt like I had to. I always felt like I had to prove myself, to whoever. It's not a great way to live. But, it's how I had to live.

I looked at the clock, noon. I was exhausted, and cold. No one was allowed in recovery. I laid in my bed and looked up at the ceiling. I replayed my match in my head. It had it's problems, but it was just what we had to do. I did feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. When I returned to the game, it would be completely different. I wouldn't have any titles, but most of all, I wouldn't have Amy to worry about. I felt free, with the exception of being bound to my bed.

I wasn't sure how my return would be, without Amy. I had based my entire career around her, and wasn't sure if I could have one without her. I was always told that it didn't matter if I face Amy or not, I was great. It's hard to believe from my point of view. Amy had a career at least before me, even though our feud defined her career. I didn't have one. I came into this feud. It was the very best thing that happened to me, I can't deny that. Could I go on without it?

If I brought this up to any of those guys in that waiting room, they'd tell me I was crazy. Like I said, my insanity is always being questioned. I know I've had many opportunities in the WWF. I was the WWF Champion at one point. That was more luck than anything else. I'd never try it again, ever. That was something I didn't plan on getting into, something that just happened. If I didn't go along with it, I'd be hanging around Kurt Angle right now. I had to win that match. It wasn't for the title, it was for myself.

I had won several titles in my career, but right now, I wasn't concerned about that. I just wanted to wrestle. It didn't matter who. I could fight men and women. I had to work hard for that. I had to prove myself to just about everyone for that honor. Chyna could do it, she was one of a kind. She had a lot of firsts too, she was the Intercontential Champion, something I'd love to do. That title is the second most important title in the WWF, and it's easy to get. You don't have to be a tough heavy weight to hold it.

Laying in that bed I wondered what everyone was thinking about that kiss. I knew they were asking Jay, if he had stuck around to hear it. If he had, he would have been hounded by a million questions. I wondered how Jeff took it. I wasn't looking for a relationship with him, though I would love it. I knew that wouldn't happen now, if ever. I don't blame him for not wanting to be with me in that way. All I wanted was his friendship, and I was getting that. Right now, that's all I need. I know Paul, I know he's hounding Jay right now, if Jay's even around. I really don't know if he would have stuck around for the interrogation, I wouldn't have. But, maybe he wanted to get if off his chest, or whatever it was.

I hoped, if he had stuck around, he wasn't getting it too bad. But I did have my own questions, well, question, why me? It boggled my mind. I hadn't been with anyone in so long I felt as if I couldn't be with anyone period. I felt destined to be alone. It's an odd feeling. One I can't really put into words. Everyone I knew, knew that I still loved Jeff, and I feared that if I dated anyone, they'd think of it as a rebound thing, that I wasn't really interested. Most of the guys I really knew already had someone to go home to. And I knew dating outside the business is hard, I never have the time to go out and meet someone.

I never felt ready to date after Jeff. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I wasn't stable to date. I was so worried about fixing things, that if I was with someone, I'd drive them insane. I wouldn't be anyone's girlfriend, I couldn't be. I was a wreck all of the time. I was miserable. I'd leave me if I was with me. I wouldn't give me a chance. And now, with this, I felt completely scared.

Recovery is boring, more boring than anything. You can't move, you can't see or talk to anyone because they're not allowed to see you. You have to lay there, looking up at the ceiling until a doctor tells you you're fine now and can be moved. There's no telling how long that is. An hour can be two, can be less. I was strapped down. Made it even worse on me, I really couldn't move.

My throat began to feel better and I was able to talk like normal again. They put a kid next to me, a young one, had to be about eleven. He had surgery on his heart for something I didn't catch. It made me sad. No one that young should ever have to endure any of this. It's just not fair. He was sleeping when they brought him in, probably still under the anastesthia. I looked at him, he was wrapped in a bandage around his chest, tubes and all sorts of things were stuck in him and coming out of him. Tubes I never had. It made me shudder.

Finally, that same doctor, Dr. Ramsey, came back to see me. he unstrapped me and took a look at my leg, then gently turned me to my side to look at my back.

"Well?" I asked.

"Wonderful," he answered. "We're going to get ready to move you."

"Finally," I said.

"You're going to be sore for a while, let the nurse know if you need any more pain medication," he told me. "When you go up to your room, another doctor will be there to see how your mobility is, I told you about this, right?" I nodded. "Yes, well, it may hurt a bit, but it won't be something too strenuous, ok?"

"Whatever will get me to my room," I said with a smile.

It took twenty more minutes before I was moved. Before I left I took one last look at the boy who was put next to me. He was waking up, and I smiled to myself. The trip to my room wasn't too long. Everyone was still there, they jumped when I came in. Jay was not there.

"You look great," Paul told me. I smiled back at him.

Adam walked up to me. "Jay'll be in later, ok?"

"Yes, fine," I answered.

"How are you feeling?" Matt asked me.

"Fine, considering I have great drugs in my system," I replied. "But, I'm a bit tired, and a little bit cold."

"Do you fell better?" Chris asked.

"When I first woke up I didn't, but I am now."

"It's the drugs," Adam joked.

"Definitely," I replied. "How are you feeling?" I looked at Jeff.

"Better, drugs too," he smiled. "But, seriously, I'm fine. Nothing a little rest couldn't handle. Now, can I get back in the ring yet, uh, don't think so."

"No Swantons any time soon? Come on Hardy!" Paul said jokingly.

"Let me dislocated your knee," Jeff replied.

"There will be no Swantons for me, period," Paul said.

"I'd pay to see that," Chris said. "Triple H doing a Swanton Bomb, could you imagine?"

"No, I can't," Paul replied back. "Not at all. I can't get up that high."

"Yeah, you're pecs would weigh you down," Jeff joked.

"He's right," I added. "They're almost as big as mine, if not bigger."

"Des, no one's are bigger than yours," Adam told me.

"Stephanie's are," I said.

"She bought em," Adam replied.

"So, that doesn't count then?" I asked.

"No, not really," he replied. "I mean, they're not really hers."

"Well, yeah, they are," Stephanie said. "I paid for them, that makes them mine." We all were trying hard not to laugh because Adam was actually serious about it.

"They aren't yours naturally," Adam said. "It's different."

"Then you should have said that, because, these are mine," Stephanie said then laughed, then we all did.

"Ok, enough about Stephanie's chest," Chris said. He turned to me. "Can I ask something?"

"I already know what it is, but yes, go ahead," I said. It was about Jay.

"What happened before surgery?" he asked.

"Ah, yes, that, I knew it," I said. "I don't know, I honestly don't know, and seeing how Jay's not here, no one talked to him."

"I sure as hell was surprised," Matt said. "Never once would I have thought of that, not once. It's going to be interesting with you go back home to his house."

"Yeah, how far is your room from his?" Chris joked.

"Very funny," I replied.

"Yeah, Des is right, chill guys," Jeff spoke up.

I looked at him. I wondered what he was thinking about it. He didn't seem to bothered by it, but with Jeff, you can never tell. Outside he can seem fine, but on the inside he's crying. RAW was tonight and I knew then it would be the only time I'd be able to talk to him. I would.

"Is Jay coming back?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, he is," Adam answered. "Don't you give him anything."

"And you look at me when you say that," Matt said.

"Of course," Adam replied smiling.

"So, Chris, who have you decided to be your new partner?" I asked changing the subject.

"I don't like the idea," he said. "I really don't. I don't know, I have to talk to Vince about it, see how he wants to handle it. I was thinking about having an open tournament, like a battle royal or something. Winner gets to be my partner."

"Sounds good, maybe you can do it tonight." I said.

"You don't give healing time, do you?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Why wait? I won't be back soon, and you need to get yourself out there," I answered. "I don't need a title to be big. Not saying any of us do, just saying. You have to defend your title, I don't think we ever did."

"No, I think you're right, doesn't mean I still like it," Chris replied.

"I didn't ask you to like it," I smiled.

Shortly after a doctor came in to take a look at me. The room was pretty crowded so everyone left momentarily, except Jeff, who couldn't.

"I saw the matches," the doctor said. "Insane."

"That it was," Jeff replied.

"Well, I'm here just to make sure the surgery went well, see how much you can move your leg. I don't want to work you too hard, but if I don't at all, the healing will be slower."

I nodded, letting him do all of the work. He lifted my leg up, which was fine, then proceeded to bend it, which wasn't. I tried to show that I was hurting, but the doctor knew I was, it was his job after all. He took notes. I hate those notes because you never really know what they are writing.

"How am I?" I asked.

"You are someone who just came out of back surgery," he answered. "You're fine. Well, not fine, but as expected. The fact that you are upbeat and happy is a good thing, but the drugs are helping. If anything wears off, don't hesitate to press that button."

"Trust me, I won't," I answered with a smile.

"I'll come back again to see how you are doing," he told me, than left.

No one came in right away. I looked over at Jeff. He was looking out the window, he got the window bed. We were pretty high up and he was looking down at whatever was below. I watched him for a moment, then he turned around. I glanced away quickly so he wouldn't know I was looking at him, but he knew.

"Heights never bothered me," he said. "I've been on top of many ladders, cages, and up there, it's all so wonderful. You don't think about how high you are or what's waiting for you at the bottom, there's really no time. There's just that brief second to take it all in, the fans, the air, the lights. You look out, and all you see is a sea of people, each one blended into the next. You don't make out details, no one has a face. And, when you look below, it's the same thing, faceless people."

He paused for a moment.

"Up here, it's different. I can make out every face, every detail. The only rush I get is the rush to get out of here, because sitting still is too much. I can see every blade of grass, every strain of someone's hair. I used to think that the only view was the view on top of a ladder or a cage, that was the only rush, that was the only life. There was nothing else in the world that could make me feel like I did on top of those things, high above everyone. That was life, that was worth it all. Not now, not anymore. Looking down from up here and I realize that up on top of those ladders those cages, life was insignificant. Now I know that I can't be up there all of the time, and nothing can be always be as calm and as perfect as it is up there." He looked right at me. "I can't have things always as I want them."

"Jeff, are you alright?" I asked him, unsure of where he was going with all of this.

"I am fine," he answered. "I'm more fine now than I have ever been." A small smile appeared on his face. "I can't change the past and I don't have a hold on the future, I can only control what's going on right now."

"And how does it look right now?" I asked still unsure.

"It's looking good." Jeff looked at me. "It's looking real good."

After that, everyone came back in, but still no Jay. Adam told me that Jay had called him when they were waiting outside, and that he should be here soon. I was worried that Jay would get ragged on for what he did. Paul came up to me and sat down right beside my bed. If anyone else tried to sit there, he'd kick them out. It was his spot.

"So, what did the doctor say?" Paul asked me.

"Well, I'm as good as I should be," I answered.

"Typical, Des, you never try to be anything more. Always try to be just as you should be," Adam joked.

"Right, remind me to never strive for anything higher again, I definitely don't like the price," I replied back.

"No, you got a good deal," Matt spoke up. "No, really. Ok, you were in a match that was, I dunno, the match of your career. You came out better than when you went in, gain a shit load of respect, and now you're on killer drugs. I say you made out pretty good."

"Well, since he put it that way," Adam replied. "You lucky bitch. You always have to be better than everyone else!"

"Adam, shut up," Chris told him. "Don't be jealous because you're not on good drugs."

"No, I'll have a friend on good drugs who will be a good friend and slip me a few," Adam said. "Des, remember all the good times we had? Gotta help a buddy out."

"I think if you went these drugs, we might all be better off," Chris told him. "You'd shut the hell up for a change."

"You know, Mr. Jericho, you'd all be a lot more bored if I wasn't so like I am."

"No, we'd all be a lot more sane," Chris said.

"You know," Adam said.

Adam went after Chris is a joking way. In the middle of their play fight Jay had quietly walked in and was standing in the corner. Adam noticed him and stood up. He fixed his hair and walked over, gave his friend a hug and stood beside him.

"Hey, Jay, how are you?" Matt asked. He stood up and shook Jay's hand. Adam gave Matt a look.

Jay shrugged his shoulders. "Not sure."

"You look like hell," Matt said. Adam shot him another look.

"Didn't sleep much," Jay replied calmly.

"I don't think many of us did," Paul said. He stood up and shook Jay's hand. "How are you?"

"I'm ok," Jay said, sounding like he was speaking to Paul alone.

An awkward silence spilled over the room. No one knew what to say, but everyone knew what the other was thinking. I looked up at Jay, he looked different, distant, not himself. He remained glued to the wall, not moving. Adam was right beside him, acting normal. Everyone was seated in the chairs looking aimlessly around the room. It was if everyone was waiting for someone else to bring it up.

"How are you guys feeling?" Jay finally asked.

"Fine," Jeff answered. "Better than I thought really."

"Des's all drugged up," Adam spoke up.

"Yes, so I'm feeling pretty good," I added.

"That was really sick what the two of you did," Jay said. "I don't know if I would have been as brave as the two of you then and now. I hate hospitals."

"Me too, I get the willies just being here," Matt said. "And I'm not even a patient."

"I don't know, there's something peaceful about it," Jeff said.

"You would," Adam replied.

Again awkward silence. I could see it in Jay's face that he knew that everyone was thinking about what he had done. Jay got off of the wall and walked into the room more. Everyone jumped as if Jay had been dead and mysteriously came back to life. He noticed that everyone was looking at him, I saw it in his face. He went and took Paul's seat, Paul didn't say anything. He looked right into my eyes. He looked away for a second, and then back into them again.

"I'm sorry if anything I did seemed out of line," he said to me just above a whisper.

I took his hand. "Don't worry, Jay, everything is cool," I replied.

"And, I know it's what everyone's thinking about," Jay said a little bit louder.

Matt looked up.

"Him mostly," I said.

Jay looked around the room at everyone. Then back at me.

"I know you want a reason," he said. "I know you all want a reason. I know it's what you all have been thinking about, and probably talking about. Damn, you all really need to get out more. But, any way, here's my reason, I don't have one. It was out of impulse. Matt, Jeff, what is it that you say, live for the moment? There you go."

No one said anything. Then, Adam's eyes lit up as if he had discovered the answers to the universe.

"So, you're telling me you laid a hot a heavy kiss on Destiny because of impulse?" he asked. "Do you know all of the things I would like to do to Destiny out of impulse?" Paul shot him a look. "Nothing," he replied, looking right at the floor.

I saw a smile appear on Jay's face, the first time since the match. Jay placed his hand on my bed and slipped me a piece of paper. I went to open it, but he looked at me and mouthed, "later", so I kept it by my side.

"Adam, you should know what you can and can't say around Paul by now," Matt told him.

Adam looked up at Paul, who had an eye on him, mostly to just mess with him.

"So that's it, that's the big reason?" Matt asked. "We didn't hear from you for a day because of an impulse?"

"Pretty much," Jay replied.

Jay's attitude changed. The whole way he carried himself changed. But, when I looked into his eyes, I knew their was more. This was just an act to get everyone off of his back. It was working, though, I didn't know who could see through it. I think this was why Jay didn't look anyone in the eyes.

"Paul, you know I was kidding, right?" Adam asked.

"No one talks about my girl that way," Paul replied in a voice that made Adam jump just a little.

"I was only kidding," Adam said. "You know that right?"

"I don't like hearing that kind of talk," Paul said, getting closer. We all tried hard not to laugh.

"I'm sorry," Adam said, not looking him in the eyes. It's great that Paul can have this effect on anyone, no matter who they are and how close we are to them.

"I don't know, Destiny, what do you think we should do with him?"

"Out the window," I answered. "Jeff, do you mind opening yours?"

The fact that Adam actually thought Paul would do something was what was so funny. Paul was funny like that too. He wasn't my father, of course, and not as much of the father figure as he was, but something different. He looked out for me in ways that no one else did or could for that matter. He was older than all of the guys that we hung out with, so that sort of made him the responsible one. But, for me, it was different. He never looked out for any of the rest of them like he did for me. Probably because, besides his wife, I was the only girl of the group. He didn't want to hear anyone talk about anything they wanted to do with me, no matter if they were kidding or not. When I was with Jeff, anything I told to Stephanie, and I told her a lot, he didn't want to hear. He always got a bit protective of me, but he never took it too far.

Before I knew it, it was time for everyone to leave. RAW would be starting soon and they all had to get themselves together. Of course no one wanted to leave Jeff and myself, but we did want the time alone, some time for quiet. After all the hugs and kisses and I'll miss you's were done, Jeff and I looked at each other and sighed heavy.

"They're good in doses," he said. "Too much and you're insane."

I laughed. "Yes, true, but it is good to know people care about you."

I looked down at the paper in my hand.

"What's that?" Jeff asked.

"Nothing," I answered.

"Liar," he replied. "I'm observant, very observant, everyone forgets that. Jay slipped it to you. Seemed to be pretty good, ya know. Nothing seemed wrong at all."

"Yeah," I said looked at the paper.

"Bullshit," Jeff replied. "The whole thing. He's a horrible actor, wrestler or not. I think everyone else in the room was just happy to see him that they didn't notice the look in his eyes, or the fact that he doesn't look anyone in the eyes when he's lying. Not once did he look anyone in the eyes when he talked to them, well, no one except you, but that's different. No one remembers all the detail I pick up."

He was right, he's got an eye for it. He was also right about how everyone forgets that. He's the fly on the wall.

"So, what does it say?" Jeff asked.

"I don't know," I replied.

I opened the paper up. There was a note on it:

_Destiny:_

_Please, don't take what I did as anything offensive. The last thing I want to do is make you feel uncomfortable. Second, don't take anything that I might have said in front of anyone as true. Yes, I've always wanted to do that to you, and impulse had a lot to do with me doing it at that moment, but it is more than that. Also, take anything that I might say in this note for what you want, I don't want it to make you feel, like I said, uncomfortable. I would hate for our relationship to be damaged over something so stupid. We've become so close over the years, you're living in my house now. I know you and I have pushed the boundaries of our friendship, then vowed to never do it again. The truth is, I tried to forget it, I really did, but I can't. I did what I did the day before to throw the idea out there, and the truth that I do think I am falling for you. I know this is the worst timing imaginable, and I am so sorry. I just don't think I could have kept it in any longer. I'm not asking you to jump into bed with me, or anything for that matter, I am just throwing out what I feel. Whatever happens next is totally up to you. Now, I better go before I scare you more and make a bigger ass out of myself._

I folded the paper back up. It sounded a lot like the Matt situation.

"So, what did it say?" Jeff asked. "What I thought it would?"

"Something like that," I answered.

"What do you feel about all of this?" he asked.

"I don't know," I answered. "Jay and I are so close, I live with him. I mean, we did stuff when I first got here, and I didn't think anything about it. Then, a few days before the pay-per-view we tested our friendship again. It was different then, I don't know. I didn't think anything would come out of it, again, but it just felt different. Now, now I don't know what to think about anything. It's, I don't know."

I sighed. I looked over at Jeff and could see he didn't want to hear how Jay and I tested our friendship. Jay was right, the timing was horrible. Jeff and I could tell each other everything, before, and now, now I was trying to, and it was very hard to. So I just stopped talking, and he even knew why.

"Hey, you know you and I are friends," he said. "Just friends, and probably the only people that understand one another. I'm sick of mistrust and all of that. Talk to me."

"I'm not sure if this is the best subject, you know, considering," I said.

"Considering what? Our past? Our past shouldn't effect our future," he said. "Lets not let the fact that we were involved ruin any chances for a good friendship."

"You're right,"

"Of course," he replied. "Do you want to know what I think?"

"Sure," I answered.

"Jay's a great guy. I've known him for a very long time. I think you should really decide what you want before leading him on. Not saying you are or anything, just I don't know what you want or where your head is exactly. You should before anything would happen," he said. "Just what I think."

I let what he said sink in. The doctor had come back in to look at me. Nothing bad to report. So much was going on and I just got out of surgery...and RAW hadn't even started yet.


	2. Chapter 2

Jeff and I wanted to know just what everyone was going to say about our matches last night. We both knew that Amy and Kurt wouldn't be there, and we just didn't care anymore. Both of our TVs were on RAW, since our beds weren't facing the same way. It didn't matter though, it was easier for us to talk about what was going on. As much as I was excited about RAW, I couldn't keep the note and all of that out of my head.

After the RAW theme music kicked off, the Hard Boyz music hit. Matt came down alone. It was always a different feeling when you walked down that ramp alone, especially when you're so used to having someone beside you. It's not a bad feeling at all, just different. I knew Matt felt a bit awkward about it, you always do. Matt got into the ring and grabbed a mic. Everyone was on their feet.

"As you know, last night my brother Jeff was in one hell of a match," he began. Insanity. "Also, right after that, my friend Destiny did just about the same." More insanity. "I know, I know. I don't think a single person was able to stay seated. It was absolutely-"

He was cut off by Triple H's music. Without Stephanie beside him, Paul walked down the ramp in jeans and no shirt. He didn't have his usual bottle of water with him and did no special water trick. He went inside the ring and also grabbed a mic and stood beside Matt.

"You know, Matt, last year you and I had a bit of history, comradery," Paul started. "It lasted for a while, then something happened, and well, it just fell to pieces. Anyway, I'm not up here to talk about what we were in the past, you mentioned Destiny and her match last night and I have to come out here." He paused. "You see, Destiny is very close to me and right now she's in a hospital bed after just having back surgery." The crowd gasped. "Yes, I know. Now, I don't know when it is she's going to return, but I do know she will be out for some time."

"It's funny, I was about to come out and say the same for my brother," Matt said. "Except, Jeff's return will be much sooner than Destiny's."

"True, but isn't it funny how he made Kurt Angle cry?" Paul asked. "Couldn't have done it better myself."

"No, I don't think you could have...I mean, no offense sir," Matt said.

Paul looked at him. "You know, since your brother and partner is out, why don't I do you the favor of tagging with me tonight."

Matt nodded. "Alright, it's a deal."

And that was that. Jeff and I looked at each other and started to laugh. It was horribly corny, it really was. After Matt and Paul's bad display, there was a commercial. Then, it cut to the ring where Chris Jericho was already in. More speeches.

"I know, I know, you just saw Matt and Triple H come out here and bore you with their fantastic mic skills," he began. "Lucky for you, I'm out here with a real purpose, this belt I wear around my waist, the Tag Team Title. You see, right here, in my hand, is the other. Unfortunately, with her match last night Destiny will be out for a while and has told me I should find a new partner to keep the reign going," he paused.

"If you didn't see last night's pay-per-view," JR said, "make sure to check it out on I'm standing here to purpose an idea, an all out battle royal for the chance to be my new partner. Now, before everyone backstage comes running down here now, I'm going to hand pick the participants. And, I'm going to sit right there beside JR and the King during the whole match. I'll post that list outside by dressing room later."

Chris dropped the mic and walked up the ramp. You could tell by the look on his face that he hated the whole thing.

The camera then panned to JR and the King sitting at ringside.

"A very big offer from Jericho," JR said.

"Yes, and it makes you wonder just what kind of condition Destiny is in, and, if at all, she will be coming back," King replied.

"We all know Destiny, we all know that she loves this business, that nothing can take her away from it," JR added.

"Yes, she is a very strong girl, but you just don't know. I don't think Jericho would give her place up if it wasn't for a reason. A lot of insane things happened last night," King ended.

"Yeah, Des, a lot of insane things," Jeff said. "You know he hates doing this, right?"

"Yes, I know," I replied. "But, what else am I supposed to do?"

"I know, I know," Jeff said. "You did what you had to."

I nodded. To me, it was still so weird that Jeff and I were talking, and that everything was working out. I felt like this was all a dream and I would wake up from it and everything would be like it was.

"I wonder who he's picking?" Jeff asked. "Do you think he really is?"

"I don't know, I left it all up to him," I answered.

"When you come back, are you going to form up again?"

"Oh, I don't know," I answered. "I mean, with what happened these past few days, everything's just so crazy. There's that to consider, me being on my own, and you throwing the idea out to reform the team."

"Yes, I did, and I didn't do it for the show, I meant it," he said. "Enough of the crap, right? Lets be adults and do what we did best. That team, Matt and myself, we were never better and never more happy than when the team was the three of us. That's the truth."

"I know it is," I said. "I don't know, I still feel like I have to prove something on my own."

"What? What do you have to prove? I think you've proved enough," Jeff said. "This whole year it was just you, and you did fine."

"No, it was me and Chris, sort of anyway. I don't know what it is. Just what I feel,"

"Personally, I don't think you need to prove a damn thing. Everyone knows your the best, doesn't matter if you're part of this team, with Chris, with anyone, or alone. You've shown every fan and everyone in that locker room that you belong here. Everyone says it."

"I guess it's because of how I got here, I didn't want to be here like you guys. My passion grew with experience. I watched it a bit, but never had that desire. I was told you have something, you should try this. I got into it to better my acting, and for a shot at a role. I was lucky that Vince saw me doing a mock match and thought I had something, and that was that. When I arrived that first night and felt that rush, I was hooked," I said. "I feel like I don't deserve everything because of how I got here. I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain."

"Maybe so, but you've proved many times that you want it just as much as the rest of us. We see your desire and your passion every time you get out there, regardless of what it was those years ago when you started. No one I know questions you being here questions your passion and desire. Trust me," he said to me.

I nodded. When RAW came back on, wrestlers were standing outside Chris's locker room waiting for the list. Then it cut to Trish's music, she had a match. I'm normally interested in the other women that wrestle, to see the competition and all. It's very hard to find women that wrestle well. Most of the Divas in the locker room are here on looks, not in the ring talent. You don't see me in many Diva's magazines or anything like that. When I first got here, I swore I'd never do it, but I think I've established myself enough to be able to do it. It's kind of fun actually. A lot of the guys forget that I'm a girl, well not really forget, but I'm like one of the guys to them, so when I do a shoot like that, they get all ga-ga over it.

For me, it was more than just being taken seriously, it was a whole body image thing. I never thought I was beautiful, family issues there. It still strikes me as odd when guys yelled my name and I see the signs the fans hold up. When I first got here I never dreamed of showing my body off like that. I got more confident, and I was able to wear little shirts and stuff to the ring sometimes, and now I can do a shoot with my belts around my body. I've come some way since that first shoot when I had my Women's and Tag Team titles has clothes.

Paul and Matt's tag match was the second to last match, against Adam and Jay. Matt and Paul were such an awkward team. Their styles were so different, but some how, it worked. Jeff and I cheered Matt and Paul on, laughing. Matt and Paul were so different that it was kind of funny to us. The fans bought into all of it, and that's all that mattered. Matt, though not as insane as Jeff and myself, was quick, fast paced; Paul, on the other hand, was more muscle. But, it's like they say, opposites attract.

"That'll make me laugh for a few days," Jeff said. "He needs me."

"Yes, there is no other that can take your place," I replied.

"Same goes for you," he told me. "Now, before you go on one of your rants, let me tell you something, they wanted to replace you. After everything happened last year, Vince wanted to replace you, keep the team going. Matt and I were just talking again and he brings this up. Despite it all, Matt and I told him no. We knew it wouldn't be the same and it would make it worse."

I was almost replaced. That hit me like a slap in the face. I could see why Vince would want to, but knowing that you can be replaced just like that is scary. It shows just how temporary this business can be. One minute your part of the it team and the next you could have been replaced. Obviously, what happened to the team was my fault, I just never thought I could have been replaced.

"More of an incentive to bring it back together," I said.

"It is," Jeff replied. "And, you're full of shit when you say you have more to prove. You have inspired millions of girls that you don't have to reveal anything to be sexy. I always thought you were your sexiest right when you woke up in the morning. You would be laying there in your pajamas, blankets up high. Just something about you laying there, not in any make up, no ring gear, just those flannel pajamas you always wore." Jeff smiled as he trailed off.

"You were your sexiest when you wrote late at night, when you thought no one was looking. Sitting at the desk in the hotel, the one light on, your hair was always up with the one piece hanging down. Matt would be out cold in the next bed and I would just look," I smiled and looked down remembering that image. He had on his pajama pants and no shirt, I missed that.

"I knew you were looking at me," he said.

"I know I blew it," I said to him.

"I blamed you most when I should have blamed Matt more, and myself."

"You, what did you do?" I asked.

"Something, I had to have done something for you not to love me anymore," he answered. That broke my heart.

"Jeff, I never stopped loving you. I made this mistake. I went to Matt, I made the first move, it was all me," I said.

"Matt's my brother. I hated him, I really hated him, but he's my brother, and I was raised better than that. I didn't want to believe my brother could do anything like that to me, so I didn't. I took it all out on you because you were easier to blame."

"It was all me, Jeff, it was."

"No, no it wasn't. Matt could have said no, he could have stopped you right then, but he didn't. The fact that he let it all happen makes him at fault just as much as you. I still hate him for it, but it's different now. For those six months or whatever it was, I was dying inside. I didn't have my brother beside me, and I needed him. But God did I hate him."

"Because he was your brother you could forgive him faster," I said. "Me, I wasn't family, and I did it all. You should be hating me."

"I do," he answered. "And I don't. It's so hard to explain. Like when I told you I didn't trust you, I do trust you, I would trust you with my life, but it's so hard to trust you with anything else. I wish I could explain to you just what I mean, but I know I can't. Matt and I can never be what we were, and you and I can never be what we were."

"I know that," I said.

"Matt and I are great. We know it's not like it used to be.. I can only forgive him because he's my brother. We had a very long talk last year. He told me things, things I can't repeat. Somehow we worked it out. Just like you and I are working it out," he said. "I hate hating people, I hate anger, I hate all of it. Life's too short to be mad at someone."

"People should be more like you," I told him. "I made the biggest mistake of my life last year and I will never forgive myself."

"I can't forgive myself for how I treated you," he said. "I wasn't justified to be such an asshole to you. Look what I made you do to yourself. I made you take a blade and slice it into your leg, so deep that you passed out. I don't think you have any idea what it feels like knowing you made someone hurt themselves in such a way. Destiny, when I saw you in my room, I couldn't believe what I saw. My knees buckled. When I heard, I nearly threw up. I have to live with myself knowing that I caused you to do that."

"You said what you said over something I did," I said.

"Damnit, Destiny!" he yelled. "I am trying to tell you that I forgive you, for everything, and I am so sorry for how I treated you over this year, for all of the stupid shit I did to you, all of the unnecessary shit, and most importantly, for what I caused you to do to yourself just a few days ago. Destiny, I am very sorry. I didn't listen when I should have, I didn't open my mind up when I should have. I am very sorry."

I couldn't say anything. It didn't make sense to me. I was wrong, I was always wrong, why was he apologizing? I looked down at my leg, where my cut was. Everything I felt that day before and after I did it came rushing back. I found it hard to breath. I looked back at Jeff and saw his face, he was honestly sorry. It was still hard for me to fathom that he would be sorry over something I did.

"Look, Destiny, I know you want to blame yourself for everything that happened, but I can't just blame you anymore. Hell, I don't want to blame anyone anymore, I just want to move on. I want to rebuild the bridges I burned."

I looked at him and nodded. "Me too," I replied quietly.

Jeff leaned back in his bed, resting his head on the pillow, looking right at the TV. I looked at him for a moment, then went back to mine, Jericho's battle royal was about to start.


	3. Chapter 3

The cameras showed Chris sitting right in between JR and the King. I was interested on who was picked and who would win, even thought Chris hated this.

"JR here with Chris Jericho right beside me. If you just joined us, Jericho has proposed a battle royal for the vacant Tag Team Title that was once held by Destiny."

"That's right good ol' JR," Chris said. "Unfortunately, what happened last night at Unforgiven really did a number on my partner."

"With that said, lets see who you've hand picked to participate in this battle royal," King replied.

Chris Benoit's music was the first to hit. Chris's biggest rival and best counterpart. I don't think any two people were made to be a team more than them, that weren't related. Second into the match was Randy Orton, the 3rd generation wrestler. I couldn't see Randy being Chris's next partner. The two didn't wait for the next person to come into the right; they started to fight right away.

The rules of a battle royal are as follows, any number of wrestlers enter the ring, and can only be eliminated by going over the top rope. It's like a mini Royal Rumble. I think you have to have at least four people in the ring, I'm not all that sure, nor am I sure how many people Chris was intending to have.

About five minutes into Benoit and Orton's fight, RVD's music hit. He ran right into the ring, adding to the action. I had admired RVD for a while, since he got here. I've seen his ECW matches and thought that he'd be perfect working with Matt, Jeff, or myself. It would work just fine with Chris. He was also one hell of a nice guy.

The final installment to the battle royal seemed a bit off to Jeff and me. It was Rey Mysterio. He came running into the ring and the fight broke out.

"Interesting choices," Jeff said watching his TV.

"I go for Benoit," I replied.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking," he said. "I couldn't watch this if I were you, even though it was your idea."

"I have to know who my predecessor is," I replied.

Of course it hurt to see someone else take my place, but I had to see. I had hoped Benoit would be the winner; it made the most sense, and would be my choice. But, then again, it wasn't up to me. From time to time the camera would go to Chris, watching the match, and I could see it in his eyes just how much this bothered him.

"I wonder what Destiny will think when and if she returns," King brought up.

Chris looked at him kind of funny. "When Destiny returns," he started, "everything will be fine. As much as I hate to have someone else at my side, Destiny was the one who came up with this idea. There is no one I would rather team with than her, and when she returns, well, we shall see."

Whatever King and JR were going to say in response to Chris's answer was gone. I guess whatever Chris had said went against what he was supposed to say, and there was just nothing else for the two men to say to him. Jeff looked at me when Chris was finished saying what he had to say. Jeff didn't have to say anything; I knew what he was thinking.

Benoit had nailed German Suplex after German Suplex to everyone in the ring. Mysterio was the first eliminated, which didn't surprise anyone. It seemed like Benoit's only real competition in the match was RVD, I guess that's how Chris wanted it.

I tried so hard to get into the match, but found it hard to. By Chris's expression, he felt the same. It was hard for us; we ended before we had a chance to start. Our team was amazing in the beginning, our chase for the gold was one of the best runs in a while, and, once we had it, it all went down hill. That's when a lot of things went down hill. I know that Chris knew what was going on with me and why my match with Amy had overtaken everything in my life. If I had even mentioned that I would put the match off for our team he would have made me change my mind.

"The flying head butt," Jeff said. "I bet he puts the crossface on next."

"It won't matter, they can't tap out or pin."

"Oh, right, well, Orton's going over next."

Just moments after Jeff had said that, Orton did. The battle between RVD and Benoit was a great one. RVD's style was completely different from Benoit's, but it some how worked, a suplex here and a flip there. It just gelled together. That's always the problem with matches that involve a lot of people like this, it's hard to find four or more people that have similar enough styles that the match is believable, or styles that just work well together.

"We're down to the last two people here Rob Van Dam and Chris Benoit," JR said. "Do you have a preference on who you'd rather have as your partner?"

"Rob Van Dam is a pretty good athlete. Benoit and I have had our shares of run ins, I don't think there is a guy that knows my moves more than him," Chris answered. "I hand picked them to be in this match, so, who ever wins is ok in my book."

"Will you be notifying Destiny once this match is over to get her opinion?" King asked.

"I'm sure Des is watching this right now," Chris answered, he winked. "And, she trusts my judgment, so whoever wins will also be ok in her book as well."

"Is that true?" Jeff asked me.

"Of course," I answered. "I know that who ever wins is going to be fine."

That was, like everyone had guessed, Benoit. After the match was over, Chris went into the ring with his new partner. My title was in his hands. Chris looked at Benoit for a moment. He wasn't ready to hand the belt over yet.

"Already some tensions forming in the ring," JR said. "Jericho does not want to hand over that belt."

Chris had a mic in his hands.

"You may have one this battle royal here," he began, "that may make you my new partner. I hold the prize right here, but don't think for one second that I honestly believe you deserve this title. You won a battle royal, nothing more. You weren't there the night these were really won. You're just a substitute, a fill in. You're keeping the belt warm for who really deserves it. I wouldn't get to cozy with it if I were you."

Chris dropped the belt before Beonit's feet and left the ring.

"Chilling words from Chris Jericho to his new partner Chris Benoit," JR said.

"Very chilling. I've got goosebumps."

I honestly wasn't sure if Chris really meant what he had said to Benoit. I looked at my TV screen while the commercials played. Jeff was in the bed next to me, looking at me, waiting when the right time to speak was. Then, my phone rang.

"Hello?" I asked.

"What did you think?" Chris asked on the other line.

"I don't know," I answered. "Good choice though, Jeff and I knew he would win."

"Naturally," Chris replied. "I meant though, what did you think of what I said after? I figured you'd like it."

"Oh, that, I don't know what to say," I replied.

"Don't worry, I didn't hurt his feelings," he laughed.

I smiled. "Of course not."

"Well, anyway, let me get back all of this, I'll be coming down tonight with everyone," he told me.

"Yeah, you better, talk to you later," I replied.

I sat back in my bed and looked at the screen. RAW was basically over. I stretched my hand out and touched the paper Jay had written. I had almost forgotten all about that. I honestly didn't know what to do about it. It was Jay, and I know we had done some things in the past, but he was always just Jay. I never thought about him as anything more, well, maybe a few times, but not seriously. Maybe that's it, I never really allowed myself to think of him as anything more.

"Are you alright?" Jeff asked me.

"Fine," I answered.

"Destiny, I've known you for a long time, and I think I can still say I know you enough to know that's bull," Jeff replied. "This thing with Chris, it can be temporary, you know you're coming back."

"I know, but I don't know what I want to come back to," I said. "Maybe I want to come back to something else."

"The whole Team Xtreme proposition?"

"Maybe," I answered. "It's not just that though."

"What is it then?"

"It's that, it's this thing with Jay, it's not knowing what will happen when I get back. Not knowing if there's going to be a place for me, and who am I without my Amy feud?"

"First off, when you're ready to come back, you'll know just where your place with be, either with Matt and myself or Chris. No one's making you chose a side. As for what's going on with Jay, I don't know what to say about that. Trust your heart. If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. You have to know its right, and if you do it or not, it has to be for you, not anyone else," he paused. I had a feeling the anyone else was him. "Now, when you come back, you damn well know there's going to be a place for you. You're more than just some Women's Champion who was involved with Amy. Screw Amy, she's out of your life and now you can build on everything else you wanted to do. You are so much more than just that feud. You're an amazing wrestler who's got a lot to offer this business, now you can. Now you're not bolted down to Amy, not bolted down to anything. You have the freedom to do whatever you want with your career. Take advantage of that."

I nodded, more to myself than Jeff. He was right. This was my chance to take control of my career. I had almost free creative control. It would be different when I got back, whenever that would be.

"You've changed a lot," Jeff began after a while.

"Changed?" I asked.

"You know you have. You're not the same person you were a year ago. I think we've all changed you, Matt, and me. I think whatever happened last year changed us. I didn't think you would be able to change from that, but you proved me wrong," he sighed. "I hate to keep bringing this up, but it's always going to be a very big part of my life. I look at you now I can see someone new."

"I had to change," I told him. "I couldn't be that person anymore. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I had to prove to everyone that there was more to me than just sex, and that I had more to offer. Jay, he took me in, he let me stay with him, and he showed me that there was more to me than just sex. I know it wasn't his intentions, but while I was there healing, creating that match, I started to find myself again. Jay opened my eyes and made me realize that all that matters in life is me and my son."

"Jay must mean a lot to you," Jeff said.

"He does, he's my best friend. He was there for me even right after everything happened last year. I owe him so much. He didn't ask questions when I needed a place to stay, he just let me stay with him. I could never repay him for everything he's done for me."

Jeff nodded. He looked down for a moment and then back at me. "I bet there is," he said. He took a deep breath. "Give him a chance."

"What?" I asked.

"Give him a chance," he repeated. "What he wrote you, what he meant when he kissed you, give him a chance."

"You're really pulling for this Jay thing," I said.

"Yeah, well, I want to see you happy," he replied. I looked at him. "Alright, maybe I don't want you waiting around for me, letting a good man pass you by. I don't want you to think you can't date because of me, because of what you might think I might say, or if you're waiting around for me."

"Jeff, without trying to be mean, who says I'm waiting around for you, in anyway," I said. "It's not like I don't want to be with you again, but are either of us ready for Jeff and Destiny part two? I mean, how do any of us know if that's what we really want right now? Do you even want to be with me again?"

"Would you even go back with me if I did?" he asked.

"Jeff, I have always wanted to be with you. I never wanted to stop, I haven't stopped. I think you know that," I answered.

I then wasn't able to stop what was about to come out of my mouth.

"Jeff, I still love you for crying out loud. I always have and always will. Nothing will ever change that. I know you thought it was all bullshit last year, and maybe you still do, but I can't have hope in something that might not happen. I'm perfectly ok with the fact that you and I will never be again. I know I messed up, and that's something I'm going to have to deal with."

I couldn't begin to explain the look on Jeff's face. I also couldn't explain why I said what I did.

We sat there in silence for a very long time. It wasn't that comfortable silence either, but the long and strange. The kind you beg for something to happen. I was ready to jump out of my skin when the phone rang in our room. I jumped at it.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hey," Matt said on the other line. "We should be there soon, about five minutes."

"Good," I replied.

"How's it going?"

"Fine," I lied. "Everything's fine."

"Guess that's good," he said.

"Liked your match," I said. "Very corny."

He laughed. "Yeah, that's what we said. It was awkward, but it worked, somehow."

"That it did. I have to say, I was impressed."

"Glad to hear it. I'm gonna go now, we're pulling into the parking lot."

"Alright, see you in a bit." We hung up. "That was your brother, they're here."

Jeff nodded. The uncomfortable silence started again. And, once again, Matt had the perfect timing.

"Hey, hey," he said coming into the room first. "How are my medicated friends?"

"Medicated," I answered.

"Good," he replied. "Makes it easier to talk to you."

Everyone began to file in. Paul was last in, caring my son. If I could I would have jumped out of that bed and grabbed him and held him.

"Mommy!" he screeched. He nearly jumped out of Paul's arms.

"He's been doing that all day," Paul told me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead.

"Give him to me," I said. Paul placed Matthew in my arms. "Oh my baby, I missed you."

"I don't know what he's going to do when we start to travel," Paul brought up.

"Please, let's not talk about that," I said holding my baby tight.

"How long are you guys here?" Chris asked.

"The rest of the week," I answered.

"Tomorrow," Jeff replied.

Matt looked at his brother. "Were you going right to Cameron?"

"I was planning on it, why?"

"Can I ask you for a huge favor?" Matt asked.

"I'll stay here until Des is out so she can take the baby to Florida," Jeff answered before Matt could ask.

"And, Matt, I'll take that week off and stay with her," Jay said. "She won't be able to handle the baby at home alone just yet."

"I can go the week after, I only live about ten minutes away anyway," Adam said.

"My wife lives next door," Chris added.

"Thanks guys," Matt said. "It's hard for us to have him out here and I know Destiny's going to need help for a little with him. I would keep him out here with us, but-"

"But I want to be with him," I said before he could finish. "I know you all can handle him on the road with you, but I can't be without him that long."

"Don't worry, when you get out, I'll be here to take you to Florida, ok?" Jay told me. "We'll go together."

"I'd like that."

I smiled up at him, and quickly had to look away.

"Well, with all that figured out," Paul said. "It's going to be hard without you darling."

"I know," I answered. "I'm going to go crazy."

"Jay, you watch out for my girl, you got it," Paul told Jay. "That goes for you too Adam."

"Paul, look who you're talking to," Adam said.

"Exactly," Paul said with a smile. "But, seriously, you guys watch out for her, ok."

"Don't worry, Paul, she's going to be in good hands," Jay said.

"So, Chris," I said. "Like you're new partner."

"Here we go again," Chris said.

"Man, what the hell did you say to him after?" Adam asked. "I meant to ask you before."

"Don't worry, it's not like I really hurt his feelings. I told him before I wanted to say something to him, to sort of set the mood, and he was ok with it."

"Made me shiver," Adam said. "It's true though, no one can take Des's place, ever, anywhere."

"Thank you, Adam," I said.

"Who knows what's going to happen with it all," Chris continued. "It's believable, it works, but it's not you."

"I know that, but, like you said, it's believable, and it works, that's all that really matters," I told him.

Chris laughed a little to himself. "JR found me after that all went down and told me that he had never seen such honesty before. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was bullshit."

"I'm sure he knew, he's JR, he knows everything," Matt said.

"Either way," Chris said.

"Maybe it wasn't," Jeff spoke up. "Maybe that's exactly how you feel about all of this, I would."

Chris shrugged. "I do, and I don't. I don't feel that severely about it anyway. It's true; no one can just walk in, have a title like that, and expect it to be ok. For the story line, all of it works, I don't know."

"Chris, it's ok to feel like crap about this," I told him.

"Yeah, it's going to be weird at first, but, trust me, it's for the best," Paul finished.

"It's just not you, Des, and that's what sucks about the whole thing," Chris replied.

"Do you think this will last?" Matt asked Chris.

"Don't know," Chris answered. "I'll give it a try, and if it's not working for me, I'll end it. It's not Chris, it's just not Destiny."

I felt horrible, but I couldn't have him wait around for me to get better. He knew it. I guess he didn't know just how hard it was going to be, and neither did I.

"But, anyway," Chris said after a moment, "enough of all that. Jeff, you going to be ok the rest of this week?"

"Should be, just blew my knee out, dislocated, partially, or something, I'm going to be fine," Jeff answered. "Just a limp."

"You sure, bro?" Matt asked, sounding a bit concerned.

"Yeah," Jeff answered. "They'll give me these really nice drugs and I'll be medicated the whole week."

"If you need anything at all, I'll stay with you," Matt said.

"Really, Matt, I'll be just fine," Jeff said.

"Alright," Matt replied sounding unsure.

"What time do you have to leave tomorrow?" I asked breaking the tension.

"Um," Paul began, searching for it in his mind. "I believe twoish, we're not going very far really."

"Well, that's good, considering its late and I know you have no intentions of leaving," I replied.

"Yup," he answered. "I love how they stretch the visiting hours for us."

"You guys are real celebrities," I said.

Paul smiled at me. "It wouldn't matter to me anyway; I would take the latest flight I could if it meant getting to see you that much longer. I'm going to be on the road while you recover, and it's going to be so hard for me knowing you're going to be in Florida and I can't be there with you. It's killing me now thinking about it. I would love to just take off and be there while you recover, fake an injury and take how ever long off you need-"

"You can't," I interrupted.

"But, you would be very mad at me if I did. You never let me finish," he said. "Unfortunately, as much as I would love to, I know I can't. That's what's so hard about what we do."

"I don't want any of you getting into trouble for taking a week off," I said looking in the direction of Adam and Jay.

"Don't worry about us," Adam said. "We're good at making shit up."

I nodded no doubt in that. They were master minds in little white lies. I couldn't tell you what it was about them, but they were able to make you believe some pretty stupid things. I'll admit, they have gotten me on several occasions.

I really couldn't tell you what kind of mood was circling in the room. It was a mix of a lot of things. We were happy, happy that Jeff and I were alive and for the most part well. Everyone was happy to be sitting there talking with us. I know Chris was still hurting from the battle royal and having a new partner. He tried to hide it. Matt had an uncertain look and feel about him, something wasn't right. He kept looking nervously at his brother. My son had finally fallen asleep. There was also a feel of mystery, going back to the Jay thing. Everyone had a very unreadable look on their faces.

Adam walked up to my bed and sat down on it near my feet. He looked at me, kind of sad.

"Can I help you?" I asked.

He looked up at me, "who the hell am I going to joke around with while you're gone?" He has such concern.

"Everyone else?" I answered.

"It's not the same you know. Why do you have to be so extreme and stuff?"

"Adam," I replied.

He smiled. "I'm only playing anyway," he said. He looked at Matthew in my arms. "Goddamn is that child a Hardy."

"He's so random," Jay said, almost apologizing for his best friends actions.

"I know, and it's true," Adam replied. "Just look at him. Destiny, are you sure he's your son?"

"Yeah, he only gave me horrible heartburn for six months, made me sick for three, kicked the crap out of my bladder, and put me in incredible pain for sixteen hours. I mean, I do remember the doctors pulling him out of my vagina-"

"Ok, please," Paul said raising his hand.

"Just had to make sure," Adam said. "I don't see any of you in him. He's got Matt's hair, Matt's nose, Matt's lips, Jeff's eyes, doesn't have your skin tone. Jeff, he could be yours instead."

"Nothing of mine has come out of her vagina," Jeff said.

"No, but has gone in," Adam joked.

"Enough!" Paul said, almost like a yell.

"Yes, but not out," Jeff replied. "And why did you bring this up anyway?"

"Don't know, I mean, he's a beautiful child, just wondering how that happened since he looks like his father and not his mother."

"Screw you," Matt said, throwing something at Adam.

"You're welcome," Adam said with a smile.

Adam gets a little goofy when he's tired. Explains the whole bringing up that Matthew looks like his father and not me, and everything else. It's kind of cute, I think, but he can go too far.

"The best thing this kid has is his eyes, and they're not yours," Adam laughed. "Destiny, too bad you didn't carry my child."

"What?" I asked a bit surprised.

"I'm hot, you're hot, we'd have hot kids," he answered.

"Adam," Jay said. "I think you've said enough."

It was funny, though, I have to admit. Paul had had about enough starting from the talk about Matthew being born. I think Paul is secretly angry that I went through that alone. I didn't tell anyone what was wrong with me, and even when I knew. No one knew that I went to New York besides Stephanie. And, no one was there when he was born. I couldn't tell anyone. I don't know why I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant. I didn't want the special treatment, I was still fairly new, and I didn't want anyone to pass judgment on me. It was an all around awkward situation.

Paul never came out and actually told me he was angry I never told him, and that he wasn't there when my son was born, but I know he is. I know Matt would have wanted to see his own son being born, but he didn't know it was his son. I knew from the moment I found out that Matt was his father, no one else could be. Matt has never used that against me, and I'm waiting for him to. Adam had, I think, the hardest time dealing with me being the way I was and not knowing. He got real hot each time I told him I just couldn't tell him and that he had to trust me. Though, none of it matters anymore, at least I don't think it does, it still gets to me sometimes.

Matt came over to me and picked Matthew up and cradled him in his arms. He was getting to be almost too big for that now. They really do grow up so fast. Every time you hear someone say that, it's not bullshit, it's real. It really does seem like only yesterday I was waiting for Stephanie to pick me up, he was only three months old. I hate that saying, it seems like only yesterday, but it's true. He was getting older, and soon, he would be too old to be doing this on the road, and I would have to leave, take him home, and let him have a normal childhood. He was only two, but it wouldn't be too long now.

That was always in the back of my mind, when Matt would be too big to be on the road. I would give up my career for him, I wouldn't hesitate that. People had mentioned to me to have him home schooled, with a tutor and all. It would work, but it would take away any chance of him having a normal childhood. He wouldn't be playing with other kids, none of that, and what kind of mother would I be if I took that away from him?

Anyway, it had gotten very late, and everyone finally decided to go home. Once the goodbyes were said, Jeff and I turned the lights off in our room. We didn't sleep right away, of course. I lay awake looking up; it was the only place I could really look. I'm a side sleeper and not being able to move was going to kill me. I knew Jeff was awake; he really wasn't able to move that much himself.

"Jeff?" I asked.

"Yeah?" he answered back.

"What the hell happened tonight?"

"I have no idea," he said. "Hey, I'm sorry if anything I said today upset you."

"No, it didn't upset me," I replied. "Hope I didn't weird you out with what I said."

"No, you didn't, and you did. It's hard to explain really," he said. "It's just-" He paused for a while. "I don't know. I forgot what it felt like to love and be loved, I thought I could never have that again. It feels good to know that someone does love me in the ways I want to be loved. What makes it so much worse is, I don't know if I am ready to be loved that way right now, I don't know if I can give that love back right now. That's why I pushed for you and Jay, I don't want you to give all of this love and not feel it in return."

There was a silence for a moment.

"I would really not like to go back into that again," he said. "I'm finally tired."

"Deal," I replied agreeing.

I had suddenly felt very tired and couldn't keep my eyes open.


	4. Chapter 4

Jeff woke me up at around nine in the morning, he was leaving. I opened my eyes and saw him standing over me. He was leaning on crutches. I pressed the button that made the bed sit up.

"Who's taking you?" I asked.

"Trainor from the company," he answered. "You going to be ok here alone?"

"I'll manage. Just have the rest of the week. Hey, thanks for watching the baby," I told him.

"Don't worry about it," he replied.

"When is Matt dropping him off?"

"Two hours," he answered. "I'll call over here when he does."

"Thank you for that, for taking care of him while I'm here," I said.

"Hey, he's my nefew, what was I going to say, no? I don't think so. I love that kid."

There was a knock at the door and a man came walking in with WWF on his shirt.

"That's for me," Jeff said. "You take care of yourself, give them hell here, ok?"

"You got it," I said with a smile.

Jeff bent down and kissed my forehead and then was gone. I turned my light off again and ended up falling back asleep. I hadn't had a decent nights sleep in a very long time, and this was the only time I'd be able to make up for it, so I did.

I think it was around one when I finally woke up. I had a funny feeling that someone was watching me. Doctors had probably been in and out of my room all morning and I didn't know, but this was different. It felt as if someone was stairing at me. It couldn't have been any of the guys from last night, the hospital was in the opposite direction of the airport. I cracked my eye open to peek and saw someone sitting right beside my bed, reading. I slowly opened my eyes.

"About time, do you know how long I've been waiting?" a familiar voice asked me.

"Mark?" I asked.

"How ya feeling, kid?"

"I've had better days," I answered.

"I can't tell you how many times I've been in a place like this," he said. "I guess it's part of the territory, huh?"

"That it is. Why aren't you leaving for Smackdown?"

"Not on it," he answered. "By choice. Pulled my back at the pay-per-view and I think I just agrivated it again last night," he answered.

"Well, I appreciate you spending your painful day off here," I said.

"I didn't have a chance to come down last night," he replied. "And I couldn't not see you." He smiled at me. "You got balls, kid, real big ones too, bigger than a lot of guys around here. It showed on Sunday, really did."

"Thank you," I replied.

"There a very few wrestlers that can pull that kind of stuff off, and hardly any girls that can pull off a main event like that. You really put it all out there and proved to everyone you belong, as if anyone had any doubt."

"I sometimes do," I said.

"Are you crazy, kid," he told me. "You've got more talent than most of the guys that have been here longer than you. I'm not just saying that because you're right here, either. I've said it before, and people listen to what I got to say. You're going to be one of those locker room guys like me and Paul are. Give yourself another year, and you're going to rule it all. Proved it last year with all of those title wins, the women's division can't hold you much longer."

"Thank you, Mark," I said.

He leaned foward in the chair on his arms. It hurt his back a bit, but he tried hard not to show it.

"I remember when you did that thing with me and Glen," he started. "Let me tell ya something, kid, I knew then that you were going to be a huge star, and I was right." Mark has this thing for calling the real young wrestlers kid. "You don't take shit from anyone, that's my kind of person. You've made it over the hump now, you're going to be smooth sailing now."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Sunday was your match, the match of all matches, every wrestler gets one in their career, if you're lucky. And, if you can survive that match, then you've made it. You don't really have anything left to prove, you've become what we like to call ourselves, a superstar."

Mark leaned back in the chair, I could tell his back was hurting. He was in the business for so many years, he knew what he was talking about. He's seen every end of the business, good and bad, he paid his dues, and still is. He's a legend no doubt. You listen to Mark when he talks, no matter who you are. You give him respect becuase he deserves it. He doesn't just deserve it because he's been around so long, he deserves it because he respects you, he respects the buisness and everything it stands for.

"When I retire I want to know that there are going to be a few good wrestlers left to carry on," he said. "As long as you're around, I know it's going to be ok."

I smiled. "If only I could be around as long as you have been," I replied.

"Planning on leaving us soon?"

"Maybe, it's Matthew, he's growing up," I answered. "Pretty soon he's going to have to start school and I can't be here when he's going to be home."

"Ah, yes, children," Mark nodded his head. "Very, very hard thing to handle. Unfortunatly, his father is also in this buisness, and the two of you are in high demand. He's a year old now, right? You've got some time, enough time to make a name for yourself. Plenty of time before you have to think about all of that. Enjoy you're career right now. You're a great mother to him now, and I know when the time comes, you're going to bow out gracefully, leaving a huge dent in this buisness, but, as for right now, enjoy it."

He was right, Matthew would be two in a few months, two. That gave me at least three years before I would have to think of school. Of course it would be in the back of my mind, but I still had time to enjoy what I had, enjoy his baby life, what was left of it, and still have time to give this company hell before I had to leave.

"He's agreat kid," Mark said after a few minutes. "I mean, I know I don't see him all the time, but I see him here and there, and he's a really good kid. Obviously, look who his mother is."

"Thank you, Mark," I said. "Wasn't easy."

"Of course not. You did that yourself, told no one. Went away for a few monthes and came back with a baby, pretty crazy."

"I don't think I'd do it that way again, if I went back," I said. "It was stupid. I was scared, I was new here and I didn't want anyone to think anything about me. I needed nine mothes to figure out how to tell Matt he was a father."

"Something that obviously wasn't planned. He didn't question Matthew being his?"

"No, he didn't," I answered. "I wouldn't blame him if he did, I guess he saw Matt and knew right away. I know when I came here I wasn't very chase and all, but I know the dates, and they matched up."

"I'm not here to pass any kind of judgement," Mark told me. "I've seen talent come and go in this place, and most of the time it goes unnoticed, but it won't with you. I just want you to enjoy the time you have here and make the most of it. I don't want you to dwell on the future, wasn't it you who had that saying too, live for the moment?"

"Yes, we do," I said. "You're right."

"Of course I am, I'm always right. You have to enjoy everything you've done so far too. I've noticed that about you, you never enjoy anything. You're always thinking of the negitive, it's not healthy, you know. You have to enjoy the good things in life because they don't come very offten."

"I know," I said. "I've always been that way, I could never take a complement, I could never see the upside of anything."

"It's going to get the best of you, kid, trust me," he told me. "You have nothing to be ashamed of or anything, go and be happy for once. I saw you around this past year, and I don't think I've seen such a depressed person before, and that stunt you pulled before the pay-per-view, don't think I haven't heard about that. What the hell were you thinking?"

"Something I haven't been able to shake," I told him.

"Life isn't easy, it never will be, it wasn't meant to be. If life were easy, everyone would be successful, but not everyone is. It's the ones that can deal with it, get over it, handle it that make it in life. Crash like that and you won't be able to get back up again. You're only alowed so many chances in life to turn everything around before you're in too deep. You can only hit rock bottom once, after that, you never get back up. Once you go beyond that point, you're beyond help, and it would be a real shame to see you selfdestruct to the point of no return. I know you had a rough life, and I know you've probably hit rock bottom, I know you've probably imploded, selfdestructed, but that's your only chance to. I won't be able to see you go through that knowing you won't be coming back."

I sat there listening to Mark's speech. It all made sense. Everyone had been sorry for me, but no one told me like it is. I am a ball of selfpitty. I never wanted anyone to see that, but everyone could. Mark's speech didn't seem like a lecture, but an eye opener. Nothing he ever said ever seemed like a lecture. He didn't try and sugar coat anything, he told it to me like it is, and it's not pretty. Life isn't pretty, but you can't dwell on everything bad that happens. Do that and you turn into me, everything I've hated in life, I've become. I feel sorry for myself over everything, I never expect nor want anyone else to feel sorry for me, I hate that, let me feel bad for myself. That wasn't going to fly anymore, that person wasn't going to be around anymore.

"I know right now I probably sound more like a father than a friend, but it doesn't really bother me too much. You have too much talent are are too good of a person to fall to pieces like that. Who would I be if I didn't at least try to help," Mark said.

"You know, every since I got here, no one has ever stood up to me over that. Everyone's felt sorry for me, which I hate, and maybe that's why-" I paused. "I'm not trying to make any excuses for how I am, that's not how I work, it's just hard to explain why I am the way I am."

"No one's asking you to unravil all the mysteries of your life, I am just telling you that you have to take things as they come, deal with them, and move on. Be stronger because of what you've been through." He put his hand on mine. "Well kid, I got to get going. You know how you can reach me if you need me," he told me.

"Yes, thank you, thank you so much, Mark," I replied.

"Anytime, kid, good luck,"

And with that, he was gone. I sat in my bed for a moment, thinking, thinking about everything that had just happened with Mark. This match was turning into so much more than I could have ever thought it would. It was always more than just getting rid of Amy, but what it's become was something I could never imagine. It was more of a soul searching experiance than I could have ever hoped it to be.

My phone rang about a half hour after Mark had left. It was Jeff, Matthew had arrived.

"He's actually sleeping right now," Jeff told me.

"Don't get used to it," I replied. "When he was a baby, he slept great, now that he's mobile more, forget it."

"You know I can't chase this kid around," Jeff said.  
"I know, don't worry," I replied. "He can't walk yet."

"He's staying in the pen."

I laughed. "You're better that way," I said. "He shouldn't give you too much trouble though."

"He never did," Jeff told me. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that he was here and he's alright. I'll call you everyday to let you know how he is. I guess give me a call when you're leaving the hospital with Jay so I know you're coming."

"Will do," I said. "If you need anything give me a call, ok?"

"You got it," he replied.

"Thank you," I said.

"No problem," he told me, and then hung up.

The conversation with Jeff was short and sweet. I did feel bad putting him in that position, but we were kind of out of options. I leaned back in my bed and looked up at the ceiling. I was feeling very tired again and was finding it hard to keep my eyes open. I was on very good drugs, but that wasn't just it, I hadn't been able to stop and breathe in so long. Everything was catching up to me, every sleepless night, ever worry.

Pain killers had been friends of mine in the past, and I don't mean since I started wrestling. I had taken them and used them plenty of times before. It was easy to get, most of the time cheap, and was I didn't feel anything. Vicodin was easy to get, the easiest and cheapest to get, oxycodone which was next, and narco. I never took morphine before. Anyway, I also wouldn't consider myself an addicit. I would take them for a while, and then just stop. I guess for the time I was taking them I was an addicit, but I would always just stop. Not for any real reason, I just would. It set me apart from my friends, who would take just about anything and could not live without it. I never really got into any serious drugs like they did. Believe it or not, I am deathly afraid of needles, percings and tattoos aside. I couldn't never stick a needle into my arm. Pot was always around, in abundence. Same with booze. I did try heroine about once or twice, but that was it really.

I was a troubled youth, well according to today's psychitrists. Everything I did was to escape the reality I was in. I guess that's the typical cleche line, but it is true. Anything that could numb what I was feeling even for a little bit was worth it. It wasn't a solution, but neither was cutting. That was another thing, that I can say I am addicted to. That never went away, I never stopped. I was able to convert everything I was feeling, everything I couldn't touch, everything that was so overwhelming and turn it into a cut, something tangable something I could see and deal with. It just got out of hand. One cut didn't do it anymore, I had to cut more and more, and I had to bleed. It got to the point where I was gashing my skin. I stoped though, kind of. I was under control when I entered wrestling, for the first time since I started. I credited wrestling to helping, but then things started go bad, and I tried very hard to not start, but I couldn't. It all came to head the night before the pay-per-view, when everyone knew about my problem.

The fact that it was now public bothered me. I never wanted it to get that far, and swore I'd never be like those types of people. I did kind of feel that everyone was watching me now. I knew everyone would be afraid to talk to me thinking that something they might have said would trigger that again. Even the people that really know me, our little group if you will, I know even them will be alert of what they say and do now around me, because it will be in the back of their minds. I never set out or wanted that to happen.

I did the who psychiatry thing. I found it so hard to talk to someone who couldn't relate to anything I was dealing with. They didn't know the family life I was forced to deal with and the pressures of a budding acting career that was on the verge of busting out. I don't look down the whole psychiatry or psychology thing, I don't. I just think that there are a lot of the wrong type of people doing that. I guess it just depends on the type of person you're talking to. Anyway, my perticular pyschiatrist always forced me to talk, she never really had anything good to say. She blamed my every problem on me and my inability to grow up. I'm not the type to think that every problem someone has is because of their upbringing.

I was told that, if I wanted, I could see someone within the company. I guess it's a nice thing to have someone on hand for the wrestlers. It's a very demanding business and it's very easy to lose your mind. I turned the offer down. I didn't want to accept the fact that I needed help. I had spent so long trying to get myself out of all this mess that I didn't want to see that I was falling back in.

As I laid in my bed thinking about all of this, it dawned on me that, for as long as I had known these people, they really didn't know me. I mean, they knew me, but they didn't know me. My past was mostly shaded from everyone. I was a big mystery, sort of. It worked for me, for a while. But I knew I couldn't hold it up. Even when I was daiting Jeff, it never came up. I guess it was sort of known that you don't talk about those kinds of things. I knew that if I was going to do any sort of changing while I was recovering, this would have to be one major aspect. I'm going to have to deal with my past and let those who actually care about me help with that. Try not to be such a mystery anymore.

Jay was there to pick me up when they finally let me out. They wheeled me out and there he was, standing in front of a car. I was so happy to see him. If I were able to jump out of the chair to hug him, I would have. He was leaning on the door until I was just a few feet from it, then it pushed himself off and came to me.

"Finally," he said to me with a smile.

"Took the words out of my mouth," I replied.

He helped the transport person put me in the car. Pain. Jay buckled in me and closed the door, then ran to the other side. He got into the drivers seat and slapped his hand on my thigh, right where my cut was. I cringed just a little bit.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Ok, I guess," I answered. "I really don't know. I feel like I was moving and a million miles per hour and now I've just suddenly stopped. It's hard to breathe."

"I can imagine," he said.

"Can you?"

"Well, no, not really," he answered. "But, I know you won't be moving that fast for a while. We're going to take it nice and slow. I have a whole week with you, I plan to make it a slow and calm week."

"That's right. I get to swtich you guys out each week." I laughed to myself for a bit.

"Yeah, yeah," he replied. "You know you'll miss me when I leave."

"I don't doubt that at all," I said, smiling up at him.

We didn't say anything for a few miles. I kept glancing over at Jay every now and again. He had a small grin on his face as he drove.

"I did a lot of thinking in that bed," I said after awhile.

"And?" Jay asked.

"Well, I thought about a lot of things," I started. "My future in this business, my past, you, Jeff, everything, the match."

"That match was insane," Jay said. "It's about all I can say."

"You know, I wrote all of you a will," I said. "I wrote up everything I wanted to say to each of you."

"What?"

"Everyone was making such a huge deal out of it, that I really thought I wouldn't walk out of there. I mean, I didn't, but I thought I wouldn't wake up, that I just might hit my head wrong and end up in a coma, or I'd snap my neck the wrong way. " I shurgged my shoulders. "Seemed right at the time."

I looked at Jay. He was stairing out the windshield as he drove, his eyes fixed.

"I guess I'm lucky I only had back surgery," I said.

Jay just nodded.

"Are you ok?" I asked him.

"What's in the bag?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Pills," I answered. "Viccoden. I'm not so sure about taking them."

"Why? You're going to be in a lot of pain."

"I know. In the hospital you're monitored. Once you're out, you're on your own."

"Does that worry you?"

"I have a history with these pills," I said.

"Oh," Jay said. "I guess I'll be keeping a close eye on you."

"I think I'll be alright," I said. "It's just a scary thought. I thought I was ok with a lot of things, but I proved myself wrong." I looked down at my leg.

Jay shook his head. "I don't even want to talk about that. You are such a beautiful person and you do such ugly things to yourself. I don't know a damn thing that happened to you before you came to us. You've been real quiet about that, and I respect that. I know you enough to know that things weren't the best for you back home, but I didn't know that they made you do such horrible things. I don't know anything about all of that, cutting and stuff. I didn't know it really even existed like that, and I certainly had no idea you had done it a lot last year after everything had happened. Trust me, if I had, I would have put an end to it. And maybe I am a bad friend for not noticing. I saw enough of your body around my house, and I am not talking in a sexual way. I should have kept my eyes open better and stopped looking at you in the ways I did."

"Jay, it's not your fault that I did it," I told him. "I still have a lot of over come, and I am taking all of the right steps in doing so. It's my goal for this recovery. I don't want to heal my back, I want to heal all my scars."

"I can help you do that," Jay said.

"I've cut myself a lot in my life. Never once did I cut so deep as to make myself pass out like that," I started. "It's so weird. I was crying out for attention, and doing all of these horrible things to do get some, any kind. I remember the first time I did it. I was eleven. I came back from some audition and my mother was angry at my father and took it out on me, which was common. She tore me apart with her words, which was also very common. My dad was in the room, drinking I bet, and she just tore into me. My heart hurt so much after I got into my room that I needed something to mask it. I dropped a cup on the floor by accident and it broke. One of the class pieces cought the light and I looked at it for a while. I picked it up, and without thinking, without even knowing, I pressed it against my arm and dragged it across my skin. Little beads of blood formed, and then grew, and then dripped down my arm. When I finally realized what I had done, I was racing around my room trying to clean it up. I became occupied with that, and I didn't think about what my mother had said. And I was hooked."

I looked at Jay. He wasn't looking at me. It's something he does when he hears something he doesn't like. He acts like he's concentraiting on something else.

"It became an addiction, like everything else," I continued. "I took pills to make the pain go away, I wanted to not feel. So I took a lot, and then more. And then I'd cry, and then I'd cut. It was this crazy cycle I was in. It worked, though. It took my mind off what was really wrong. As wrong as it is, it works. I have to make sure I don't bleed all over the place, and it's easier to deal with that."

"Please," Jay said. "Please I don't like hearing all of this."

"I don't like talking about it, but it's the only way I can deal with it."

"I know," he said. "You're right, I'm sorry. I just never knew one person could have so much going on."

"Yeah, well, I've worked hard at that." I smiled a little and Jay did smile back.

Part of me wanted to talk to Jay about the whole "incident", but I didn't want to ruin what was going on. I wasn't sure if Jay really wanted to talk about it, so I left it alone, thinking he'd come to me.

My phone rang. I reached out to pick it up. It was Jeff. Thank God.

"Hey," I said.

"You out yet?" he asked.

"In the car with Jay right now," I answered. "How are you?"

"Can't complain really," he answered. "Don't feel so bad. Yourself?"

"You have no idea."

"I bet," he said. "Your kid's doing alright."

"I miss him," I said. "He's not driving you crazy, is he?"

"Of course he is," Jeff answered. "But in a good way. Makes me want one of my own." He laughed a little.

"I don't think anyone can handle another little Jeff Hardy."

"You're probably right." he said. "So I guess this is the start of that speedy recovery, huh?"

"Yeah, well, you know me," I said. "Back next month."

Jeff laughed.

"But, in seriousness," he said. "Take it nice and easy. I don't want you back in a hospital because you came back too early."

"Don't worry, Hardy," I told him. "I plan on taking my time. You do the same."

"Month, tops," he said. "I'll be back. I better go, Matt's almost up from his nap."

"Alright, kiss him for me."

"Will do. Bye."

Jeff had perfect timing. I don't think I could have standed another minute with Jay at that point. We didn't say anything the rest of the way, which wasn't terribly long.

Jay helped me out of the car when we got to his place. I had to be helped into the house. A physical therapist would be coming to the house three times a week to help me build my strength back up and help my walking. I was a little bit nervous of that. I wasn't sure the kind of pain I'd be in, but fear is only a four letter word, right? Anyway, Jay put my in the couch, which would be where I'd be spending most of my time since I wouldn't be able to get to my room upstairs.

"I'll move your clothes down here if you want," Jay said once he brought my things in.

"No, take a break," I told him. "You've been running around all day."

"Just want to help you."

"I know, but it's not important, sit."

Jay sat on the other couch and turned the TV on. It was quiet for a while.

"Hey, since you cant do much for yourself, do I get to help you shower?" Jay asked with a smile on his face.

"You're so funny," I told him. "Just drop me in the tub."

He laughed.

"Did you call Paul?" I asked.

"Yeah, when I went to get you. He said he would call me later, had something to do with the company, I don't know," he answered. "But, don't worry, he can't wait to talk to you. Hey, are you hungry?"

"A little, I guess," I said. "Why are you going to cook for me?"

"If you want, I'm starving. And don't give me that look, I've cooked for you before."

"I know," I said. "It was actually eadible."

"I'm a man of many talents," he joked. "I don't have much though, need to go shopping."

"We can order pizzia. That's all I wanted when I was in the hospital."

"I have that on speed dial," he said. "What do you want on it?"

"Pepperoni," I answered.

I could hear Jay call it in. I looked around the room. This was were I was going to be for a long time. I had only hoped that physical therapy would get me off the couch soon.


	5. Chapter 5

I pulled all the pepperoni off my pizza before eating it. Jay looked at me funny. I tried to reach for my cup on the table, but couldn't get it. Jay had to do it for me.

"Why did you ask me to order pepperoni if you just pull it off?" he asked.

"I eat it all at once," I answered. He looked at me funny again. "Don't do that."

"You are weird," he said. "How are you feeling?"

"Pain's not that bad," I answered. "I want off this couch."

"Don't rush it," he told me.

"I know. But you know me. All or nothing, right?"

"Wrong," he said. "For once in your life, please take it slow."

"I think you're going to have to teach me how to do that."

I smiled at Jay, but I knew he wouldn't smile back. He took this whole thing really serious, and I was trying to lighten him up. Sort of. I was all or nothing. I was fast. I had a lot in store for myself; I just didn't know it yet.

"Can you scratch my ankle?" I asked. "It itches, and I can't get to it."

"Sure," Jay said. He reached over and scratched my ankle. "The therapist comes tomorrow?"

"Yup, 10 AM," I answered. "You're going to want me off this couch. I promise, I'm going to drive you crazy."

"I don't doubt that for a second," he said. I made a face. "Are you in pain? Do you want me to get your pills?"

"No, no, I'm ok," I lied. "Do you think I'm going to get a walker or crutches or a cane?"

"I hope you get a walker," he answered. "We can put tennis balls on the bottom."

"You're such an ass," I told him.

"Crutches are going to be too much work," he said.

"You just better be nice to me," I said. "No making fun of me."

"I wonder if they'll give me a handicap sticker for me car," he said jokingly.

"You know, one day I hope you get hurt so I can rank on you just as much as you are to me."

"You can do no wrong, this will be my only shot," he said.

"What makes you think that?" I asked, and then took a bite out of my pizza.

"You're at the top of your game only three years into your career. Hell, you were practically number one the moment you walked into this place. Everyone loves you, you're a born talent. And even though you have some time here, when you come back, you'll still be as strong as ever. Do you know how long it takes people to get like that? Hell, I'm still trying. I know if I ever got hurt, I'd have to fight to get back."

"Please, Jay," I said. "You're kidding yourself. I prove myself every day that I'm more than just a pretty face, that my intentions now are nobler than ever. I have to prove myself all over again now. I'm going to be out there on my own now. No team, no Amy, nothing."

"So. Trust me, I think everyone knows why you're here and that you are here to stay. You're career is solid. I think you've proven that you can make it on your own because of that match. You created it, it was your baby, and you survived."

I looked at Jay long and hard. "We're not going to talk about it, are we?"

"About what?" he asked. "Oh, that."

"Yes, that," I said. "It's just you and me; you don't have to afraid that one of the guys is going to call you out on it."

"What do you want me to say?" he said.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I was hoping you would have something to say."

"I'm not going to talk about something that's going to disappoint me," he said. "I gave you the explanation, it was stupid, I sort of wish I didn't do it, but I did. Can we just pretend it didn't happen?"

"If that's how you want to deal with it," I said sort of shocked.

"I would, please."

After that I didn't know what else to talk about. I knew Jay was sort of sensitive about it because of how it played out, but I didn't know he felt like this. At that moment, all I wanted was a pill.

"Jay, I think you're right. Can you please get me one of my pills?" I asked.

"Yes," he answered. He got off the couch and then went into the kitchen. He had placed them on the island in the kitchen. "Just so you know," he said when he got back. "I'm going to be watching you and these pills."

"Yes, dad," I said holding my hand out. "Can I just have it?"

Jay looked at me funny before dropping the pill into my hand.

"You don't get another one for at least four hours," he said.

"And, if it doesn't work?"

"Don't push it," he said.

I put the pill in the back of my mouth and took it with little water. I'm pretty good at taking pills with little to drink.

"Don't worry, Jay," I said leaning my head back on the couch.

"Have to," he replied.

I was almost regretting staying with Jay. I didn't much have a choice really since I was living with him. I could have stayed with Jeff and my son, or I could have stayed at Matt's. But, I don't think anyone would have let me. I needed "constant" supervision and I guess this was the only way for me to get it.

"So, you're only here for a week?" I asked Jay.

"Want to get rid of me already?"

"No, I just want to know when the next one's coming in," I said.

"Yup, a week," he told me. "Then I believe Adam's coming."

I nodded.

"Do you know what your therapist is going to do tomorrow?" Jay asked me.

"Not really," I answered. "I assume helping me get my full mobility back. Just want to be normal again."

"I don't think you ever were," Jay said to me.

He was right. I never really had a full sense of normalcy in my life, ever. I'm sure by now, of course, that it's pretty apparent. I was sort of hoping to get close to that while I was away from the limelight. I don't think it's ever going to be possible for me to completely normal, but I wanted something I could at least think of as that. If I could walk out of Jay's house in a few months, healthy, ready to go, at just a bit closer to normal, I think this whole injury would be worth it.

"Jay, do you believe that everything happens for a reason?" I asked.

"Sort of, I guess, why?"

"I dunno, maybe everything bad that's happened to me in my life has been for a reason, and it's all come to head here. You know?"

"You know I get uncomfortable talking about all of this," he said.

"I know," I replied. "I was just saying."

Jay looked at me for a good moment, and then said, "Maybe you're right. Fate only takes you so far, and then it's all on you. Maybe you never took that first step. Maybe all that shit that got thrown on you was you not taking it in your own hands. Or, maybe Fate had dumped all that shit on you for a reason, to make you better, stronger, to bring you here to this point. I don't know."

"Do you ever feel like that? Or am I the only one?"

"Believe me, I have had my fair share of shitty days, but definitely not like you," he answered. "It's hard for me to relate to anything that you say, all the shit you went through and all. It's hard for me to put my head around that. I really should try and be more supportive, but it's so hard to hear someone you care about talk about all of that shit."

"Jay, I have spent my whole life looking for someone to talk to," I said coldly. I could tell he felt that, I saw him shudder.

"I don't mean to sound like a horrible friend," he said. "It's just hard. You and Jeff were so good with all of that. He read you like a book without trying and you to him. I envy that. I wish I could look at you and just know. But I don't, and I have to dig, and I always find something I didn't want to."

"Believe me, what Jeff and I had was something unusual to me too. No one has ever been able to read me like that. It was easy to have someone just know without words. But, sometimes I need to just talk, and no one ever wants to listen."

"It's not that I don't want to listen, believe me. I just never know what I'm going to hear."

"That's why I picked up writing," I said. "Because no one could or would listen. Things are so much easier to admit to a book instead of a real person."

"So why are you so messed up then?" Jay asked.

"I-uh, my parents never loved me, no one looked out for me, I really don't know," I answered. "I spent some time in some rest home, telling a stranger my problems, and he never told me anything. I was just confused. I think I was just born this way, and everything else just sort of made it worse."

"What was wrong with you parents?"

"I was a mistake, which they never let me forget. They were stage actors, did some pretty good stuff, and a kid would ruin all that. They were high class, better than everyone else. Then came me. I got thrown into this whole acting thing from birth, doing stupid commercials and all. I remember being six and just feeling so different from everyone else. I felt like something just wasn't right. I would get locked in my room, in a closet, denied food because I wasn't up to their standards. Believe me, I could write a book on my depressions and mental shit," I said. "I always swore to myself that one day I would make them pay. And I did. I got into drugs, booze, everything. I just wanted to numb it all, so I cut my skin to focus on that. I drank to get the courage to do it, and popped pills to forget it. I did so much to make them regret what they did, and all they did was turn their backs more. I broke, I just broke, and my agent had me locked away for a year. I was told I had a personality disorder and that I had clinical depression, whatever that meant. I did my time, got some meds and was sent back into the real world. Meds work fine, trust me, but there's no point in feeling good in a situation so bad, and I relapsed, and relapsed, and so on."

Jay just looked at me. I could see he was trying to find the words, but couldn't.

"So, I pretended everything was ok, because I was one hell of an actress and just threw myself into my work; straying more and more from the stage and onto the screen. I was an Indie queen, and that made my parents hate me more. Stage acting was the only sophisticated acting, and anything else was just secondary. They resented me for taking so much out of their lives by just being born, and having my episodes which they claimed was solely a cry for attention, and in a way it was, they hated me because they knew I would be better than them. By the time I got into wrestling, I was ready for another relapse. Something clicked and I was able to skate by, and things started to feel right. Then, Amy got involved, and life became up and down again. By the time my first year ended, I was ready for death, and tried. By the time my second was over, the same. Things are on the up now, and I hope that's how they stay."

"It's unbelievable," Jay said. "I don't know what to say."

"I swear, my life feels like a bad novel," I replied.

"I understand drugs, I understand booze, I don't understand this cutting shit."

"I don't either. It's like I said before, blood can be dealt with. A cut can be bandaged up and taken care of. What goes on in my head can't. It's so easy to just clean up blood and put something on it, physical pain goes away."

Jay was looking uncomfortable again. He was looking at the half empty pizza box. I rolled up my sleeve on my shirt and rolled my arm over to show him a scar on the side of my right bicep facing me. He put his hand on my arm and ran it over the upraised scar.

"I don't even want to ask," he said.

"I was sixteen," I began. "I drank half a bottle of Jack and was practically hysterical in my room. I remember feeling that I needed to get out, my mind was racing a million miles a second and I needed to get out. I clawed at my windows, but my agent and nailed them shut because I had tried to jump out. My fingers bled from scratching at the wood. My mother was out and my dad and just hit me and threw me in my room. I was screaming. I took something, I don't remember what, and threw it at the mirror hanging from my door because I was so sick of looking at myself, at what I had become. I was so sick of me. The glass shattered and in that moment, I picked a piece up and carved into my arm. The blood dripped down my arm and dropped over my fingertips. I wrapped it tight with a pair of stockings in my draw and lay in my bed. That was the second worse scar I have. First being the one on my leg."

"But didn't your dad hear you?" Jay asked.

"I'm sure of it, but that didn't mean anything. I guess we were lucky we were the corner apartment and didn't really have neighbors."

Jay put his head down and took my hand.

"If I could, I'd bring you close to me," he said.

"I wish you could," I said.

I felt completely venerable at that moment, and I hated it. Jeff was the only one who knew part of the story. No one really knew my life before wrestling. You don't get asked that sort of thing, and when people know that it wasn't a good life, they don't really want to stir it up. I spent so long skating by without thinking about what was, and now, I had all this time to think about it. All I wanted to do was talk about it, because I was so sick of keeping it. I was really ready to let it all go and work on getting better. I had relapsed enough; I had done enough shit to myself that I was finally ready to let it all go. I had hit rock bottom, or so I thought. It's always a struggle to get back to the top.

Jay got on the floor and rested his head in my lap. I was sitting with my legs across the couch, because it was the only way I could be comfortable. Laying down flat hurt and sitting with my legs on the floor was still a few days away. I brushed my hand through his hair. He had his hand on my shin and was holding onto it pretty tight.

"I swear, you know how to sober a mood," he said.

"I like your choice in words."

"You know what I mean," he said. He lifted his head up and looked at me. "I'd be dead."

"I'm surprised I'm not. I've tried enough."

I saw it in Jay's face that he hated the response I gave. But it was true. A lot of people I knew died from the exact same things I did. Why the hell was I so special?

"Can you make me a promise?" he asked.

"I can try," I answered.

"Please, don't ever do any of that shit again."

"I am certainly going to try," I answered.

Jay got up off the floor and sat on the coffee table. He looked lost. This was all so out of his element. Jay maybe one half of a hyped up, comical, team, but outside all of that, he was very different. Of course, Jay was very my the character he played on TV, and I just that, he's a character. There isn't anyone who can make me laugh like Jay, aside from Adam. He was always on the lighter side of life, and I was very much the dark. I don't want to make Jay seem nieve, but in a way, he was. Before me, he didn't know anything like this existed. I was his first look into the life of misery, depression, and all of the things that go along with it. He was lucky.


	6. Chapter 6

"So, everything's ok then?" Paul asked me.

"Yes," I answered. "I'll be fine."

"Good, I miss you."

"I know, I miss you too," I said.

"I'll try and call you again after RAW," he told me. "Bye hun."

"Bye, Paul."

Paul called me shortly after Jay and I had our conversation. I hadn't really talked to him in a while, and it was nice to hear his voice. He told me that the road was not the same without me, and everyone sends their love. I missed all of them too. I missed the craziness. Stopping and taking the time to breathe, though great, forced me to think and deal with everything. I needed it, don't get me wrong, and I wanted to clean up for good, but it's very scary when you have time to listen to the voices in your head.

"Have you talked to everyone yet?" Jay asked me when he noticed I was off the phone.

"No," I answered. "Just Paul."

"I'm sorry," he said.

"You know how crazy it gets," I told him. "Trust me, I'm not sad."

"I know the craziness," Jay said. "It's why I love these little breaks. They don't come often, but when they do, I enjoy them."

"I'm the opposite, I like to work. I love to be busy."

"Yes, I know," he said. "I forget sometimes who I am when I'm running around like a mad man. Sometimes I welcome injuries."

I could see something in Jay's eyes. Something I hadn't seen before.

"You know, Jay, you could always take a leave of absence," I suggested. "I don't think Vince will care too much. He knows how burned out we all get."

"No, I know. I've thought about it, but if I'm gone too long, I won't be able to get back in. I like where I'm at on the totem pole, and I don't want to lose my place. I'm not like you. When you get back, you'll still be on top."

I made a face.

"I'm serious," he said. "It's a crazy business where one day you're the best of the best and the next you could be at the bottom of the barrel barely booking house shows. It's evil. I'm so lucky I've been on top as long as I have."

I didn't say anything back. It was bullshit, what he was saying. But I understood completely what he was talking about. It's a huge fear for anyone in the business to one day wake up and be at the bottom. It's worse than fearing the career ending injury. You're self-confidence plays crazy tricks on you. It's always shaky ground.

"Did Paul say anything about RAW tonight?" Jay asked changing the subject.

"No," I answered. "Second RAW after the PPV, who knows."

"First match of the new tag team, are you ok with that?"

"Yes. I was the one who told him to go and find a new partner. Chris may be the one uncomfortable with it, but I'm ok."

"I miss our little group," Jay said. He leaned back in the sofa next to me. "I never felt more like I belonged than at that moment."

"Tell me about it," I replied. "Those were some good times. And the thing of it is, it wasn't built to try and market us, it was put together over everyone's concern over me. I hate to be the center of anything, trust me, but it was something that started with me and spilt into the show."

"That's when you know something is going to stick," he said. "I mean, I know why it didn't, but you know something has more heart when it starts from outside. It's like Adam and me. We've lasted so long because we are so close. It's not going to last forever, and if it does, that's great."

"It's almost hard to think of anything lasting forever in our line of work."

"You're telling me."

Jay's house phone began to ring. He got up and walked over to the one on the wall in the kitchen. I could hear him.

"What's up? Yeah, she's fine. Why don't you call her? I don't think you're going to bother-ok, fine, I'll tell her. You're such an ass-"

Sounded like it was Adam. I could see him from a wall mirror in the living room. I smiled as I watched him talk on the phone. I hadn't seen any two people so close and not be related. They practically were. You really need someone like that in order to get through this business. There's way too much to take in to shoulder yourself. I don't think I would have lasted that one year if I hadn't had the support of everyone. I definitely don't think I would have survived the second if I didn't have everyone. After Unforgiven two years ago, I thought I was going to crack and slip back into my ways before wrestling. If I didn't have everyone I know I would have.

It's weird, in three years I've done so much, too much. I won just about every belt you can in this business; I was involved in way too many storylines, and was part of one of the biggest feuds in the business. I don't know how I pulled if off. I can say it now, looking back. I did too much. I think that's why the match against me and Amy was so damn important to me. I was finally letting go of that hate, but I was letting go of so much else. I could concentrate on me now. I wasn't part of any alliance with the guys, there wasn't going to be a Team Xtreme for awhile, and I wasn't constantly dealing with Amy or Kurt. I was finally going to be simply me, something that I don't think the fans really got to see. I was a solo act now without the baggage. It's damn scary.

I find it really hard to put it all into perspective. Anyone who would look back on my career would be dumbfounded over all I did, and survived. It seems ridiculous now to me, because it was just too much. You never know what you get yourself into until it's over.

Jay came back into the room and sat down on the couch next to me.

"It was Adam," he said. "He's going to call you later."

"How is he?" I asked.

Jay shrugged. "Good I guess. He misses us; he says it's too quiet."

"I knew it. He's nothing without us," I said.

"Of course," Jay replied.

I leaned my head back on the couch again. It was the only movement I really could do.

"You're bored, aren't you?" Jay asked.

"Sort of, I hate not being able to move," I answered.

"Get used to it," Jay said.

"I know, I won't be able to. I get anxious."

"You're not going to bitch are you?" he asked.

"I'll try not to," I answered.

"I think when you come back, you should try for the world title again," Jay said out of the blue.

"What?" I asked.

"You were the hottest champ we ever had," he laughed.

"Oh please," I said. "That was the most stupid idea I ever had."

"Well, one of," he replied. "I wanted to kill you for saying that, not as much as Paul though."

"I don't know how I did it; I don't know why I did it. It was luck pure luck."

"I'll say. I think luck's been on your side since day one," Jay told me.

"Yeah, I'm lucky I'm not dead," I said coldly.

"Yes, you are," he said back. "I'm not going to sugar coat that for you and tell you 'oh don't say that', because it's true. You should be dead and anyone else that would have tried to do the things you did would be."

"People have walked out of cage matches."

"I know, but no one does the things you do, besides Jeff. I think the same guardian angle that watches over him watches over you too. No one else could live through that shit."

"I have been through more than this business could offer," I said. "Different stuff that should have killed me then too."

"I don't know much about that sort of stuff. I mean, I've seen in, I've been around this business enough to see a lot of crazy things, but I don't really know much about drugs and everything. I've never had that temptation, not for anything."

"That's a good thing, Jay," I said. "You become someone else and your whole world turns upside down. It's not a good feeling."

"They why do it?" he asked.

"Um, well, because in that moment it numbs everything about you. And, you like the feeling that you get from it and you keep doing it, and then you have to do more of it because the original dose does nothing. Then, after awhile you can't live without it," I answered. "Someone handed me a bottle of pills and said, 'take this it'll make you feel better. You won't feel at all', and that's exactly what I wanted."

"See, I didn't know things could be that bad," he said. "I know I'm pretty naive and everything, but I didn't think that people were actually unloved by their parents, that someone so young could be in charge of their lives. Everything that you've been through, I've only read stuff like that, I didn't know it really happened."

"It happens, but you have to move on from it," I said. "It has taken me so long to do that, hell I still am."

"When did you get sober?"

"Well, when I was younger, my manager sent me to a rest home so to speak, to chill out. I tried to kill myself, for like the hundredth time. I got locked up for a year, and in there you can't do anything. I got hooked on valium though. They don't over medicate you anymore like they used to back in the day, but they like to keep you chill. So you learn to horde you meds and trade them and take them when you're having a bad day. Anyway, I played the part for about six months just to go along with it, the last six months I actually walked the steps. I stopped taking the meds like I used to, I actually talked to my doctor, I was able to kick it, the drugs, the cutting, everything."

"Then what happened?"

"Six months later, I'm hanging out in the village with some friends and the passed the pill jar around and I was having a bad day already so I reached in for a handful of God knows what and popped them. Went right back down hill. Started with the cutting very soon after. Went back into my rut."

"When did you cut it for good?"

"When I was nineteen. I was nearly dead in a hospital bed, and that was it." I couldn't tell him the whole story.

"Well, you're pill free," Jay said. "And that's a good thing."

"I take Paxil," I said. "They gave it to me when I left the rest home, I stopped taking it when I fell through the cracks, well I didn't stop taking it, I just didn't take it the right way. While I was training, when I was in the hospital, they put me back on it and I've been on it ever since."

"I didn't know that," Jay said.

"No one does, I don't like to talk about it. I take my pill once a day and that's it. Keeps me sane enough to function, but still myself."

"You should write a book," Jay told me.

I laughed. "Who the hell would want to read about my story?"

"Well, what about now? You're not completely healthy. I mean..." he pointed to my leg.

"I know," I said. "I'm trying, more so now than ever. It really wasn't a huge issue before everything started to go crazy. After the whole Jeff thing it was almost a constant thing. Maybe now I can get myself in order."

"Well, you better. I don't want to find you in some hotel room like that again, or I don't want to have to hear about how you bled to death because of some stupid cut."

"I hadn't cut that deep in a long time. Most of the time there pretty superficial. Every once-in-a-while I cut deep enough that requires some attention, but hardly ever do I cut where it really bleeds and I pass out. I was also really drunk and hadn't eaten, so the combo wasn't good for me."

"Still, you have no idea how it is to find someone you love laying in a pool of their own blood unconscious. I thought you were dead."

It was a sore subject for everyone to talk about. No one wants to really admit they have a problem, and no one likes to watch someone downward spiral. So, naturally, this was a lose-lose situation for Jay and myself. But I needed to get better, and he needed to face me. It was a growing process for the both of us.

"What do you think everyone's saying about all of this?" I asked after a few minutes.

"I don't know, and I don't really care, and neither should you," Jay answered.

"I know, but I want some sort of idea so I can prepare myself for when I finally go back."

"You never cared before. Just go in there with that F-you attitude you have and kick ass," Jay told me. "You know you have that attitude and you wear it well, so who cares what anyone thinks about all of this."

"I hate it when you're right," I told him.

"I'm always right," he said with a smile. "You hate it because you know you're always going to listen to me,"

"I'm tired," I said.

"Ok," Jay replied. "You rest up; I have some unpacking, and repacking to do. Do you want me to wake you at any time, or just let you sleep?"

"Um, check on me in an hour, and I'll let you know."

"You got it," he said.

Jay helped me get situated on the couch before leaving me. The couch would be the only place I'd see for awhile, so I had to get comfortable. Who knows how long it would be before I was able to climb the stairs to my room. Who knew how long it'd be before I would be able to hold my son, which ate at me every second. Deep in my heart I knew I could be a better mother, I knew I could be, and it killed me to know I wasn't. I wish I could blame it on everything that I was dealing with within the business. I hate to admit that I was just, plain and simple, a bad mother, though no body would actually agree with me, but I knew it. I was there for my son, yes, I provided him with everything he needed, but it was something else. I was always hurt, physically or mentally, he was traveling around with his wrestling family, that can't be healthy. I knew when the time came I would leave the business no questions asked for him. Maybe that time was now. I always said, once it came time for him to start school, I would leave, go back to North Carolina, or Florida, or where ever, enroll him in school, and live that normal life, but maybe now was that time. So much ran through my mind, I found it nearly impossible to sleep,


	7. Chapter 7

I didn't hear Jay ask me if I was ok an hour later. I was having an amazing sleep. I felt like I hadn't really slept in years and now I was finally getting that rest I needed. So, when I woke up three hours later I was sort of surprised.

"Why didn't you check on me?" I asked Jay.

"I did, you mumbled and said to leave you, so I did," he answered.

"I don't remember that."

"Well, you did, and I wasn't going to wake you, you looked like you needed it. I'm sure you did."

"I did," I replied.

"Are you hungry? We still have left over pizza," Jay told me.

"Um, I guess I'll have a slice, I want to take another pill."

"Ok, you can have another one. You're in the time frame."

I wasn't used to having someone watch over me like Jay was. I was sort of annoyed in a way. I was a big girl; I could handle myself, despite my track recorder. I mean, I didn't blame him; I would have done the exact same thing if I were in his shoes. I knew that when I was going to come back, I would get that exact same look from everyone. My past wasn't secrete from everyone, just all the real details were. To most, even those I were really close too, I was just an ex-drug addict, psycho. Everyone would be looking at me.

Jay came back with a pill and a slice of pizza. I thank him and took the pill without water. He sat down in the chair beside me and watched me. I was completely boring him. All I could do was stay on the couch until I had the strength in my back to walk up the stairs. Eventually I'd move into one of the guest rooms downstairs, but for now, I was couch bound. All I could do was sit there, lay there, and Jay could only watch me. How fun.

"I'm sorry," I said to him after a minute. "I know, I am totally boring you. You could be doing so much-why aren't you doing something else? It's not like you have to watch me every second. I can't move you know."

"That is true," he said. "But, I was sort of hoping you'd clue me in to whatever's going on inside that head of yours, and you have, but I know there's more."

"You don't want to know all my sad stories," I told him. "They'd make you want to kill yourself."

"Maybe I do. Maybe I want to know anything that'll make you better."

He smiled at me when he said that and my heart melted instantly. It was weird. Jay and I hardly spoke of what happened in my hospital bed, and I think the both of us were happy about that. I wasn't too sure if Jay really felt that way, and he wasn't really sure how I'd react if he was serious, so we just left it as that. Something you never talk about. That awkwardness after two friends sleep together, though we had experienced that as well. We always had that feeling. We always tiptoed around each other like we had something to hide from each other, and maybe we did. Maybe there was this underlying feeling we both had for each other that we were too scared to talk about. I don't know what it was, but every now and again, my heart would melt at the sight of him.

"There's so much more to it than what I have already told you," I said. "So much."

"I have time," he told me. He was so sure. "I'm not going anywhere."

It took all I had to agree to tell Jay everything, and I did. All of my breakdowns, the rape, the drug use, everything, all of which I will spare all of you because it will seem like such unnecessary repetition. We talked for _hours_ and not once did I feel like he was judging me. I told him things I only told Jeff at night when neither of us could sleep. I told him things I never even told Jeff. I told Jay everything. He never looked scared or that he was ready to jump out the window.

I felt totally comfortable talking to him. I didn't feel judged, like I was crazy, nothing. I felt better than any therapy had ever made me feel. This was recovery, this was starting over, this was a new life. Of course, it's never that easy. But, for that moment, I actually felt like I was going to get better.

"You know," Jay started. He looked at me trying to find the words. "I just, I dunno what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," I told him. "There isn't anything to say. It just is, that's all."

"I don't understand how so much can happen to one person."

"People like me, we thrive on it," I told him. "We love the fact that there's something occupying our time. It's like we have everyone wrapped around our fingers. It's weird, but as much as we hate being depressed and as much as we hate being on whatever drug we're on, no matter how sick it makes us, it's something. We have something to call our own."

"But that's horrible," he told me.

"I know," I said. "I know. But when you don't have anything, it's good to have something."

"Why would you want to have that?"

"Without the depression, without the cutting, who am I? It's all I have."

"You have me," Jay said. "You have your friends, you have your child."

"This is different, this is consistent. It's all I had when I was a kid, the one thing I was able to call my own. I didn't have anyone to tell me they loved me or that I was beautiful or that I was going to amount to anything. I had nothing, nothing of any real value, nothing tangible, but I had all of this. I had depression and I had cutting and I had my drugs when it got to that point. It was the only thing I had that stayed with me through everything. Why give that up?"

"I love you, I think you're beautiful, I think you're the best damn woman to ever enter this business, better than most of the guys, and I'll tell you that all day everyday for the rest of your life. You don't need any of that anymore to feel safe. What's consistent now, right now, is the fact that there are people who love you and know for damn sure how beautiful you truly are and know you're going to be the best. I won't rest until I know I've made you feel like you don't need any of that anymore."

"It's weird, when I was with Jeff I finally felt like I had something to hold on to. This was it, something to pull me out. When I threw it away I knew it was my fault, I fucked up, and the only thing that I had, that I couldn't screw up was my depression, cutting, and all of that and I went right back. I haven't been able to feel like that since."

Jay took my hand. He held it for awhile too. It wasn't one of those, I'm going to take your hand for a second so you can feel a little bit of compassion, he took it and held it firmly for a while. That was safety, that was comfort, that was everything I had been looking for wrapped up in a hand. But, Jay didn't look at me. He looked directly at the floor. I moved my head to try and catch his gaze, but he would move.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked. "I should have asked before, but I guess it's all sinking in now-"

"What?" I asked.

"You said rape," he said slowly. I nodded. "Meaning, someone forced you to have sex with them?"

"Last I checked," I answered trying to sound unaffected.

He shook his head.

"I didn't know that much about it," I told him.

"You should be dead," he told me bluntly.

"I know-"

"No, I mean you should be dead. Overdose, beating, suicide. You should have killed yourself. Right after that, that rape, you should have been dead."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"I'm glad you didn't," Jay said when he realized that what he had said didn't sound too good. "Trust me, I don't want you dead."

"I know," I told him.

I suddenly didn't want to talk about any of it anymore. My bottom of my foot was tingly and burning sort of. I thought about that. While Jay poured his heart out to me about how he's glad I didn't off myself, how he was glad I've pulled through, and how he swears he's going to help me, all I could think about my was foot. It started to hurt, but I was feeling something.

I guess part of me was just tired of hearing how someone was going to fix me. Believe me, it's nice to know someone cares enough about you to want to try and help, but I was feeling so withdrawn from it. I got out what I wanted to get out and I didn't want anything back.

But that was Jay and I. Lovers one minute and enemies the next, so to speak. Jay was pretty self-conscious himself and I always told him that he was so much better than what he thought, and sometimes he'd just tell me to shut up. I wanted him to shut up.


	8. Chapter 8

I think I dosed off on Jay while he was talking, because I opened my eyes and noticed it was dark out. The TV was on and Jay wasn't around. I couldn't see much around me since I couldn't move to hot on the couch, but I did notice a light coming from down the hall. There wasn't a whole lot on the first floor of Jay's house, not that he would need anyway. We lived on the second floor, only using the first for the kitchen and the den. Upstairs had its own den and everything, but that we hardly used. The first floor was basically guest rooms and a trophy room.

That's where Jay was, the trophy room. It's got pictures of him and Adam, replica belts he's won. I don't have too much in there. I have my WWF title belt in there, that's about it. A few pictures with both Adam and Jay, but that's really it. I don't feel like it's my place to put anything up in there.

Jay tends to go in there when he's not feeling so great. When our alliance was forced to break up because of me, he spent a lot of time in there. I'm sure everything that was said between us earlier didn't put him in a too hot of a mood. Like I said, Jay's very self-conscious.

"Remembering the days of old?" I asked when he came back into the room. The best way to deal with him is to make light of it.

"The great days of old," he said. "Back when men were men and a woman was right up there with them."

"Ah, those were the good old days," I replied. "Don't count me out just yet. I have a few tricks up my sleeve; I'll be kicking men's asses once again."

"Don't I know it," he said. "I was glad you liked me. I would have hated if you didn't like me, or if we had to be involved in a story line where you didn't like me, it would be a scary thing. You'd drag my sorry ass around that ring like I was nothing. It sucked when we had to fight against each other the short time we did."

"Yes, it did, and that was my fault. I'm sorry," I said.

"Those were some good times, what I can't believe is how it happened, and that it actually did," he said. "Who knew a few hook ups could lead to gold."

"Yes, it was a lot of work on my half," I told him. "You know, I still watch old tapes of that time. Walking out with you or you and Adam, or Paul, or Dwayne even."

"Yeah, whatever happened to him? I watch them too. You and Chris though had the best chemistry."

"That we did."

It was obvious that Chris and I would end up the team out of that whole thing. We had such chemistry. I don't how to really explain it. When we walked through that curtain and onto the ramp, it was a real stage for us, and we fed off that. When we finally became a team, it was electric, and no one really could beat us. We had to become the champs; there really wasn't any other option. It wasn't that we could physically dominate any of the competition, there were teams that were ten times the physical strength we were, but it was the chemistry, the charisma that made it impossible for us to lose. We were the underdogs in so many of our matches because we were technically a new team that hadn't really worked together, but we always pulled through.

"We all had chemistry though," I said. "I don't know why Chris and I just went with it."

"It was undeniable, that's for damn sure," Jay replied. "His character was loud and obnoxious and you, well, you were loud. It was your extreme attitude mixed with his in your face attitude."

"No one thought we'd make it, and when they saw how well we worked together, they had to give it to us."

"It really was the shock of the century, so to speak. It was like you guys came out of no where from nothing and boom! It was nice to watch," he told me. "When the stars and planets line up, good things happen."

No one had ever expected in a million years that after that whole alliance thing ended, it would be Chris and I that would end up teaming together. People knew there wasn't a Team Xtreme anymore, for whatever reason. Matt and Jeff had to fake it for a while so they could have a fall out, that no one saw coming or even understood why. They couldn't just stop right after that night and not be a team, they had to fake it so they could have a fall out, all of us did. The whole alliance had to come up with something to tell the fans as to why they weren't going to be a team anymore. But, it seemed more likely that I'd join up with Adam and Jay or something before Chris.

Maybe that element of surprise is what worked in our favor, what gave us that edge. We knew we were good, and the chemistry gave the fans a reason to love us, but we weren't just a show. We had real talent. Our chemistry didn't end with a show; it was in our fighting style. We were legit. We were the whole package. That's why it killed Chris, and me, to have to let it go for now. It's not good-bye forever, when I got back, I was going to team back up with him and continue on our journey.

Matt had suggested that we should get the team back together. When we got out everything that we needed to, when we had our talk, he was so adamant about it. Matt was funny that way. He needed Jeff and he needed this team, but he always wanted to see what it would be like on his own. He knew that with Jeff and with me there would be success, but it got stale for him sometimes, and I can understand why. He always talked about going solo, that it would be better if we took a break. He got his chance, though it wasn't on the terms he would have wanted. He loved it though; he would always tell me he missed the team, that if the circumstances had been different this would have been a good thing for him. He had success on his own, and at a price, but success none the less, and he wanted to come back.

I said no. I was the one who turned it down first, then Jeff caught on. I wasn't going to put aside what I had with Chris and everything that had happened since just because we were all talking again. We were no where near ready to play together again. We had finally accepted what happened and were now ready to move on from it, if we had decided to come back out as a team, it would fail. The trust isn't completely there. There will always be that chemistry, but it had to be found again. We couldn't coexist as a team yet because I wasn't sure if we could coexist at all.

Everything I had ever hoped for came true when we finally set aside out differences and worked out everything. But, I had to be the one to turn it down because I didn't want to ruin the progress we had made. I think Matt now knows that I was right. He was hurt at first, but I think now he understands that no, we can't do this now, we can't do this for awhile.

"I still wish you would have join Adam and I," Jay said.

"That would have been the logical, expected thing of me," I told him. "You know me, I'm not like that."

"Very true, you are the opposite of what's expected," he said.

I was feeling somewhat better now. My foot didn't tingle like it had before, and I just felt better. I guess it was the nap. My intense conversation with Jay wasn't weighing on my mind like it was before and I could stand to be with him now. Jay knew it too.

"So why did you really go in that room?" I asked. "Since I lived here, you've only gone in there when you were down."

"I don't know," he said. "I mean, I guess what you were telling me didn't make me feel great. It depressed me actually. I don't know." He sighed and sat down on a different couch. "It's weird, when I look at you, I see someone whose career is on the rise, someone who's a budding and full fledged star. Then I look at me, and I'm the opposite. My career is on the other end, coming down. I was a huge star and now I'm the other guy. I don't think my career is over, it isn't, but it's not how it used to be."

"It's how it goes," I told him. "You can't be upset about that, it's not like you need to retire. You're going to be around for a long time. It's not over."

"No, it's far from over, I know that."

Jay was part of an era of wrestling that's on its way out. That high flying, extreme, over the top era. Even though he and Adam weren't so high flying like Matt and Jeff were, they were part of those crazy matches. It was, in a way, on its way out. They had done just about everything you could have and things were getting repetitive. All four of them were going to have to find a way to mix in with the changes or they wouldn't make it. It's not as harsh as it sounds. Jeff will always be Jeff, Matt will always be Matt, and Adam and Jay will always be them. The act needed to be updated, as all acts in this business must do. Things get stale very quickly in our line of work. You have to keep people one the edge or their seats, you can't bore them. The minute you bore them, you lose them. We needed something to shake up the act.

Jay knew TLC I wasn't new or fresh, he knew the ladder match at No Mercy 1999 was long gone. There really wasn't anything that they could do that hadn't been done already. The approach had to change. He knew it, Adam I'm sure knew it, and Matt and Jeff knew it, but they were luckier in that they broke up for that time. They would have to do TLC with the ring on fire in order to keep up.

I was also in the middle of this. My style had been morphed into this extreme, high flying style as well. When I first started I never intended to fight this way, nor did I intended to even be a part of all this. I was thrown in with Matt and Jeff based on physical appearance and the fact that I could do a killer moonsault. Basically, I looked enough like them and could do one of the least high flying of moves well enough to maybe fit in. Everything else I did while I was training was not to make me into a high flyer. I was learning basics with a small extreme twist, very small. Every risk I took after that was because of Matt and Jeff and I had evolved into a high flyer. I was the only one that could give Jeff a run for his money. Who knew coming to a meeting with Vince in a plaid red skirt with knee high combat boots and a black corset would nail me the role of next member in Team Xtreme, but that's who I was, and still am.

I was luckier than the guys. I pulled off things that no one would have ever expected and still kept to my roots. My feud with Amy kept things fresh for me, and with that gone I was now finding myself in that category with Jay. I was also lucky to have Chris when I get out, but was it enough? Amy and Kurt were the best things that happened to my career and I to them. I can admit it now, and I know she can too. It brings me back to my original fear and question as I was making this match, can I survive without Amy?

I've asked it so many times I'm sick of it. But it's true. How do I go on when Amy _was_ my career? We went at it from the moment I started. It seems like everyone has reassured me that I would make it without her, but it's hard to believe. It's not until I can see that I can make it without her will I believe any of it.

We were ruthless, both of us. I would have killed her and she would have killed me. And, for some reason or another, we were able to have some sort of respect for each other during that last match. I guess we just knew. This was it, it was all over after this, and whatever started it would finally be over. We could move on. It was a huge weight off our shoulders and I think losing that weight made us for one match be able to respect the other.

I know I'll never forget her, it will be impossible to, but I know that in the back of my mind that sting, that pain will always be there. Everything she did to me and everything she put me through will not be a forgotten memory of some time in my life. It will very much be a part of me until the day I die. It will be hard to forget everything that happened in that two year span. But it's comforting to know that yes, it is over, and I will never have to be a part of that circus again.

People at first saw it as an act, a part of the show. But then it got personal, very personal, and people knew that. The fans knew they weren't watching a show, but real pain, real life being played out before them. It was true though, you couldn't buy the publicity we created. The act was getting old. If we had continued, neither of us would have survived. I had had enough. It had to stop, and that's what I told Vince. Either let me do this, end this, or I walk. He wouldn't let me walk. Then it was getting the message to Amy, this was it. And, in her messages back, she was more than happy to oblige.

Maybe I was too trusting in thinking that this could actually work, but when I saw her before the match, I knew it would. It didn't seem like it to anyone that I could go through with this and finally put an end to, what I believe to be, the thing that started and made my career. I had never been so sure of something in my life. I knew that we couldn't just stop, there had to be a brawl, a real brawl, a scripted, real brawl. Certain things had to be put in place; certain points had to be hit. We had to fight it out. And boy did we. When I collapsed in that after, I knew it was over.

"Oh, by the way, while you were sleeping, your physical therapist called, she'll be by first thing," Jay told me, snapping me out of my little daze.

"Good, I need to get moving."

"Just promise me you'll take it easy," he said.

"I need to get back."

"You need to take it one step at a time so you can get back. You don't rush these things. If you rush you may never come back."

After the match was over, everyone's worries shifted from me being careful during my match to rushing to get better after. I was afraid of being out too long and having to start all over when I got back. I was reassured on many occasions that it would never happen. I'm just the type of person who can't sit still, I have to get up and go. When I hurt my back the first time, it killed me to be away. Now, I'd be away longer and it was killing me more.

"I'll be back," I told him. "It's going to be a fresh start."

"I know, and no one needs a fresh start more than you, but you won't have it if you rush your recovery and hurt yourself worse trying to get back," Jay told me. "I know you need this business like you need air, believe me you're not the only one who needs this business, lives and breathes it, but if you don't take it easy and take your time and do it right, you'll never get it back. I'd hate to be around you after that happens."

"I'm not going to screw it up," I said. "I just don't want to be gone forever. I can't sit here; I can't just watch it go on without me. You know me, Jay, I'm not one to sit on the side lines."

"Yes, I do know that, but if you don't do this right you'll be on the side lines permanently."

Of course he was right. But I was going to have that speedy recovery anyway, and would coast me in the long run. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. To me, any possible damage I could cause myself by coming back quickly was worth it if I was able to come back. I knew my back would never be the same anyway, and that's true, so why would I try and rehab something that wouldn't be perfect again anyway?


	9. Chapter 9

I hate physical therapy. Just for the record, I thought I'd throw that out there. There is nothing more demanding, more painful than therapy, of any kind for that matter. I have had physical therapy from minor to major, my last back surgery to minor little injuries. I basically go threw therapy after most of my matches. But, in a nutshell, it sucks; I don't recommend it at all.

I felt bad for the woman who came to the house and helped me. I kept cursing at her because it hurt so bad. I kept telling her that I wasn't mad at her I wasn't cursing at her, but it hurt as hell. She understood, I'm sure she gets it all the time.

Jay was getting a kick out of it. There aren't many people who can say they've seen me in a venerable situation. He also knew that he could joke about this with me, but if he told anyone else, I'd kill him. My pride was on the line after all.

I walked around the couch once and then she stretched the hell out of my legs. The bottoms of both my feet burned and tingled from the nerves stretching. She told me that it was just as important to improve flexibility, by working on and improving my flexibility I would improve my mobility and muscle strength. I guess in order to understand it all; you'd have to go through it. It's amazing how much you lose from going under the knife and being in bed all the time.

The therapist told me that I was making progress and was right on schedule. She was impressed in my drive and desire to get moving and how I was pushing myself. She also warned me to not get too ahead of myself; I had to take it easy.

I figured I could yes to death everyone who told me to take it easy and just go along with my plan of a speedy recovery. If I didn't look like I was trying too hard or that I was straining myself, no one would say anything and would think that I was honestly getting better. I also knew that I was going to have to make sure the pain was minimal before I went back. I had a time line and a plan. I was going to stick to it, no matter what.

The therapist also told me that yes, I could work on things at home and gave me a list and stretches I could do. I planned on working on them as soon as she left.

"You're very entertaining," Jay told me when she left.

"Shut up," I said. "You've been there."

"No, I know, but you're entertaining."

"Are you going to help me with these stretches and exercises?" I asked.

"Yes, if you promise to pace yourself," he answered.

"Ok, but your pace and my pace may be different," I told him.

"Don't be a smart ass," Jay said. "We'll compromise."

I smiled at Jay, but he didn't smile back at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing, I'm worried about you, you didn't watch that match. Have you seen it at all?" I shook my head no. I hadn't. "I have, I won't watch it with you, but you should watch it."

I had never planned on watching my match after the fact. I don't know why. You would think that I would want to actually see how the match I made played out, but I didn't. I kind of wanted to put it out of my mind. There are just certain things you do because you have to do them, and then when they're over you don't want to think about them ever again. This was one of those things.

I think in time I would be more comfortable with the whole situation enough to be able to look at it. I know it wasn't pretty and I don't know if I really want to see myself in that situation just yet. I also know that if I ever do decide to watch it, I'd be watching it alone. Jay has made it very clear that he will never sit down and look at it again. He was the one who was hit the hardest by it.

Jay disappeared for a moment and then came back with a glass of water and one of my pills. I didn't ask for one. He handed both to me and of course I didn't object.

"Seemed like you were hurting," he told me.

"Thank you," I said.

"I talked to Chris while you were rehabbing," he said. "'He's got the next week off, he and his wife are basically going to be moving in here while they're with you."

"Do you think I'll be that bad by then?"

"It's possible, I don't want to take the chance, and it's not like you're going to be very mobile anyway, and I don't want you to be alone."

"No trust?" I asked.

"Did I say that? No, I do. I just don't want you to be alone, is that a crime?"

"No, it's not," I said. "Is Chris going to mind living in this crazy house?"

"What's so crazy about this house?"

I smiled. "Nothing really," I answered.

"Well, he's fine with it. He understands and thinks the same way I do. So, he and Jess are going to be staying over for that week."

"And Adam after that?"

"Yeah, but he's different, he's Adam, big deal."

I laughed. "Hopefully by that time I'll be mobile."

"Hey, you have a year to play with, use it."

A year. That scared me, but it was true. The doctors told me they didn't want me near a wrestling ring in any time within a year. If I wanted to walk again, ever, I'd better stay away from the game for a year. And a year was a round about figure; it could be longer, but no sooner than a year.

A lot can happen in a year, careers come and go. I was giving myself six months, depending on how well everything was going. I mean, if I'm ok in six months, what would be the big deal? They can't make me a prisoner in my own house.

Vince is usually pretty good with injuries. Usually if they doctor gives you a time table, Vince sticks to it, unless you can give him a convincing reason that you're all better. Ratings are usually number one with him, but he wouldn't sacrifice someone's health to get them. The real vets of the business are the only ones who give Vince their time table for injury. Mark, Paul, those guys tell Vince when they're ready.

I didn't think I was up to that status just yet, but I think I had some leverage on it. I had a little more on the average female wrestler. I brought in people, I generated money. It's sad, in our business you're only as good as the money you bring in, but that's how it has to be. You don't make money unless you make the company money. If you didn't sell, you didn't have a job. You would be taken out, slowly. It's dog-eat-dog, but it's what you sign on for. That rush, that very temporary rush. You never know when you're going to be on top of the world, or slowly written out of a job.

It really is a weird thing. You could be on your way out, be the laughing stock of all story lines, and yet, if you do something right, you come right back. You just have to know how to reinvent yourself. If you can change with the changing of the business you're in. It's not normal, and it's not good for the psyche to be tossed around like that.

When you're hot, you know it. Endorsements and merchandising, all of it, you know when you're on top of the world. You also know when you're on your way out. And, unfortunately, it's sometimes a laps in judgment on the higher ups part when your career tanks. They can put you into over the top unrealistic characters and storylines that have nothing to do with you.

Jay sat down and put the TV on and turned to SportsCenter. He started to rub my foot while he watched. It felt good.

"Who's going to do this when you go back?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Guess you're SOL."

"Ha, ha," I said. "Why don't you go out?"

"What?" Jay asked.

"Why don't you go out?" I repeated. "Go down to the water, something. You don't have to sit here and watch me."

"Going down to the water would be pointless without you," he said. "Maybe when they give you a wheelchair I can wheel you down."

I laughed. They didn't give me one, a wheelchair that is. I was couch bound until I could use the walker. After that I would move up to a cane, if needed, and then I'd be without. I could have used one of the bedrooms down here, but the mattresses were way too soft. The couch was harder, which was good for my back. My mattress in my bed was hard too. But that was upstairs.

"So, that lady's coming over three times a week?" Jay asked me.

"Yup, I didn't know torture made house calls."

"It's not like you don't go through stuff like that after all of your matches."

"I know, but it's not that intense. After a match, if it was a bad one, I get pulled and popped, and stretched. It's nice; it hurts kind of, but feels good. That did not feel good," I said. "That was hell."

Jay shrugged his shoulders and turned to watch the TV. At that moment, all I could think about was Jeff. The song "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain kept playing over and over in my head for some reason. It kept playing over and over and over again. It started to itch at me.

It had been such a weird and long rollercoaster to get where I was, where we were. Who knew that everything would play out as it did? My intentions when I first got here were not noble ones. I wasn't looking for anything but a good time, and didn't know what the hell I was doing there anyway. I never intended to be a huge star, I never intended on any of the success I had. I didn't think I would find the friends I have, do the things I did, have a baby, and be with Jeff.

A baby. To this day I don't know how that happened. I mean, I _know_ how that happened but I thought we were a bit more careful than that, but I guess not. The decision to not tell anyone, to still continue to work, to keep it was all mine. I was starting to love what I was doing, and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to survive the time off. How could I? The decision to keep it was hard for those reasons.

Vince hardly knew me at that point. He could have just let me go, told me I wasn't worth the trouble. But I guess he saw something in me, and the hard ass in him gave way to the business side. I had to tell him. I couldn't just go away for nine months and expect to have my job back. At least with the guys I could disappear and stay disappeared until I was ready to explain myself.

I don't know what it was that made me decide to keep my son. I had just decided. I was going to keep my baby and figure out everything else later. It would have been so easy for the other shoe to drop. I didn't really know Matt. We worked together, but all three of us were still trying to figure each other out. I knew Matt and Jeff better and quicker than anyone else, but I didn't know Matt. It's hard to explain. I don't tell him any of this that he came very close to not being a father.

I was afraid to tell anyone that I was indeed pregnant. I was the new kid, and I couldn't have them know. It had nothing to do with me being unsure of who my baby's father was, I knew. There would be no Maury show for me. I knew it was Matt's, there was no doubt, it wasn't Adam's and it wasn't Jay's. The dates matched perfectly. I wasn't sure if Adam or Jay were worried that they were the father, though I didn't give anyone a real chance to doubt the fact, I flat out told them it was Matt's.

Adam and Jay sort of questioned it, but were some what relieved when I confidently told them that, no; it was Matt's 100. Jay questioned me the second time we did anything. By that time I was on the pill, and there wasn't any possibility. He seemed disappointed that time.

I was beginning to think that the only child I'd have by a Hardy would be Matthew, and despite everything that I have felt, or haven't felt for Matt, I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with Jeff. I know I was torn for a while, and I know that Matt and I tried to make it work after that night, but I wasn't in love with him, and he knew it. He tried to tell me he was in love with me, and I knew he wasn't. He was in love with the idea of a family, marriage and a baby. I told him I was the mother of his child, and it was ok to be just that. I knew our son would be loved by both his parents, and then some. The love we had for each other was not the marrying kind.

It all brings me back to here, now, missing Jeff, wanting to be with Jeff, and unsure if that could ever happen. I wasn't naïve enough to believe that just because we were talking we'd get back together. What I missed most of all was the way he would make me feel. No one made me feel like Jeff did. I don't how to explain what I mean by that. I don't mean feel good about myself, or not being depressed. I just felt good, different when I was with him.

Jeff did make me feel good about myself and did make me feel good about life. I felt I was able to finally express whatever was inside me without fear of repercussion. I wasn't sure who I really was before him and I used drugs, sex, and destructive behavior to try and find that out. Jeff found me. I was exactly who I was on TV. I was that funky, punky, crazy, eccentric, person you saw pop out of the curtain every Monday and Thursday night. That was me hyped up, and sometimes that was me normal. I dressed that way, dyed my hair that way because I wanted to, and acted that way, all of it. The attitude and aura of Team Xtreme was me, it was all of us. It may be an act on TV, but to us, it was real life.

That's why it worked so well and why it killed us when it was gone. We were Team Xtreme, in and out of the ring. We weren't just a group that would come together the day of a tapping and try and figure something out. We didn't meet once a week to go over our story lines, we lived together, we were Team Xtreme. The fans believed us because it was us.

I have felt very lost since Jeff left me, since the team disbanded. The destructive behavior was on it's way back. I didn't know it until then, but I needed Jeff to keep me alive.


	10. Chapter 10

It was sad to see Jay leave, but I knew he was itching to get back. I knew I was a bit of a burden to him, though by the time he left I was a bit more mobile than when I got there.

"If you need anything, call me," he said to me. "I'll come right back."

"I'll be fine, Chris is capable of taking care of me," I said. "Call me when you get there."

Jay nodded and kissed me on the cheek. He shook Chris's hand and said good bye.

"So, this is what you do all day?" Chris asked me when Jay left.

"Hey, want to try it?"

"No, no thank you," Chris said with a smile.

"It's got to be horrible," Jessica said to me. She started to play with my hair.

"So, what's your plans when you get back?" Chris asked me.

"Get the team back, you and I, kick ass," I answered. "What did you think I was going to say?"

"Hardy's," he answered.

"No, we're far away from that," I told him. "One step at a time here."

I don't know if Chris was worried that I wouldn't come back with him. I told him when I got hurt I would, to keep the momentum going with someone else while I was coming back. He hated that idea. It was weird for him to hold a belt with someone else that wasn't me, especially when that person wasn't there to earn the belt with him. I'd feel the same way. I'd just as much give the belt up to someone else then hold onto it with someone else.

If the tables had turned, and Chris was sitting here and I had to fight without him, I don't think I could do it. I know he didn't want to do it, and I know the only reason he kept it going was because I told him to. Had I hadn't made him I don't think he would have. Me, I would have let three teams battle it out for the belt.

I also know that Chris and I weren't much of a team. The talent was there, I said that already, but I was so washed up in my match with Amy that it took away from Chris and me. People forgot that we were the Tag Champs because of it. I don't blame them, but it was hard to focus on anything else. He stuck by me though, through it all. Never once did he say let's take a break or anything like that.

I have to admit, it was kind of weird being with him now. Chris and I had chemistry, and we were a hell of a team, and very close, but we never really _hung_ out. We got closer when our team formed, but we weren't close like I was with anyone else. He didn't know everything about me, and I him. Our matches and style were effortless so we didn't have to spend so much time talking about them. It was like we just existed as a team, together, and rolled with the wind. I'm not saying that Chris was a bad friend or anything like that, please. We just never took our relationship to that next level, and I don't think it'll ever really get there.

Chris knew about the Matt situation, who didn't? He knew that I was a troubled kid, had a past, and did a lot to try and make it better. He knew about the cutting situation the day before my match. He knew about all that stuff, but he didn't really know about it. We didn't talk like Jay and I did, and no one talked with me like Jeff had. We weren't bosom buddies like Adam and I are, and the relationship I had with Matt was different all together. No one really knew how Chris fit into our little alliance. Everyone else made sense; everyone else had an attachment of some sort to me in some kind of way. Matt and Jeff were on a team with me, Paul was my protector, Adam and Jay just fit personal mixing with professional, even Dwayne somehow fit into the mix better than Chris. Charisma, that's what I say. But Chris had that too; he was the odd one out.

You can't say that we all had a similar style, if that were the case, Dwayne and Paul would be the odd ones out. His style was closest to everyone else's than those two. And you can't say that we all made more noise than Chris, Chris made the most. I guess it all comes down to characters. The Hardy Boyz and Edge and Christian had been going at it for years, they were one in the same sometimes. The Rock, well, he found his way into just about everything. Triple H, again, a protector. Chris Jericho was the loaner. Y2J never really fought alongside anyone for too long of a period.

Now when I look back, it was Dwayne that was the odd one out. He had no real connection to me, or to anyone. He and Paul had a lot of matches in the past, but the alliance somehow drew out of me. I never set out to be anything in this business, all of my successes sort of fell into my lap. And there are many people who hate me for that. There wasn't supposed to be an alliance, there wasn't supposed to be anything like this.

I am one of the most loved and hated person in our business. Loved for being the biggest, balliest, toughest, bad ass since Chyna. I turned women wrestling on its side. I came out and did things that women in our business never even thought to do. I was World Champion, more accomplished more than any woman, and some men, would ever dream of. I didn't take the sex appeal at face value. I wasn't a "Diva" until later when I established myself, and even still I'm not like that. I was myself in front of the crowds and away from it, and that's all I could ever hope to be.

Hated, well, hated for being in this business without any real passion, hope, drive, or desire to be here. I was the girl who took training for my acting career, for better stunts. I was thrown into the business early, I didn't work my way up like everyone else did. I didn't sleep in my car for days on end while I pushed myself in some half assed wrestling federation that had its matches in the YMCA gym. I came from nothing, from nowhere, and I dominated. I came in and ruled when people who had been struggling long before me still weren't at the top of the game.

Now, the passion is there, the desire and drive are there. It's weird, I never set out to accomplish anything, but the moment I stepped out of that curtain, I was hooked. I've earned my strips now. I wouldn't have had any of the opportunities I had if I wasn't good enough for them. I know I created enough drama, but I was able to back it up. I was the biggest surprise. The girl from nowhere was able to rule it all.

I was never one to be self confident, but I think I can say, with ease, that I am the biggest woman to walk through the curtain. I was one of the biggest things to pass through the ropes. I was able to hold my own. It's because of that, that I am both loved and hated with the same amount of passion.

All of this was something I never really talked to anyone about, except Jeff. There are conversations that Jeff and I only had with each other in the wee hours of the morning because we just couldn't sleep. This was one of them, to some degree. I never felt a reason to tell anyone how I felt about all of this because I know all I would hear is how good I am now and all that I have done and it doesn't matter because I'm so good. It doesn't help. Jeff was the only one I could talk to about absolutely everything without fear of judgment and I would get a real response.

It's time like this when I do wish I still had Jeff in my life. I know that things were heading in a positive direction, but it wasn't, and who knows if it will ever become what it was. Jeff and I were never ones who needed a whole lot of sleep to function, four hours was good enough, sometimes less than that if at all. That's when we'd do all of our talking. Jeff and I weren't a conventional couple. We didn't communicate like normal couples. We didn't do anything like a normal couple. Our conversations happened at 3 AM. We were affectionate, but when no one was looking. We didn't fall all over each other. It was just different.

Paul and Stephanie are the quintessential couple. You see them holding hands, kissing, being somewhat affectionate. You know by first glance that they are in love. It was different with Jeff and me, you didn't know at first glance. It made us different than anyone else.

When I'm awake at three AM, which is more times than not, I miss having someone just as awake to talk to. Jeff and I were the perfect complement to each other. We were weirdly unique and only we could understand that about each other. There wasn't a person in the world that was able to grasp at me like Jeff could, and when it was over, I felt more introverted than I had before I met him. I lost the one thing in my life that was able to keep me in check, the one person who could keep my emotions from going off in a thousand different directs. With Jeff, I had an outlet for all the crazy things that spun in my mind.

I don't think, though, that I would have ever thought that I would get the way I did without him. I never anticipated the massive break down I had. I know I had a ton of things to be guilty over, and I was, and it was that on top of everything else that sent me way over the deep end. It was a catastrophic break down, everything fell on its side for me and I didn't know how to recover from it. I just threw myself into my work, into that match, by doing that, I would be ok. Somehow.

I had done so many stupid things before the Matt/Unforgiven situation. I had slept with many people's boyfriends and boy's friends and so on. It didn't matter then. They deemed me a slut and I moved on, they came back to me because none of us knew any better. But this time was completely different. I loved Jeff, love Jeff. I wasn't acting on some drug induced haze. My mind was clear and I betrayed him. There's something a bit more forgiving when a deceitful act is done under the influence.

I knew what I was doing when I slept with Matt, I knew I wasn't under anything, I was sober. I knew it would hurt Jeff. I was totally coherent and conscious. I was acting on my own free will. Jeff knew it, Matt knew, I knew it, and Jeff knew that Matt and I knew it. We were all conscious of what happened and what would happen because of it.

It all comes back to my very first month or so here. I was shameless. I hooked up with Adam in a McDonald's bathroom for crying out loud. Part of who I was before coming here was still attached to me. Slowly that part began to melt away, the closer I got to Jeff the more I began to change. I was able to see that there was more to life than what I was used to. I was able to see that someone saw something in me that wasn't a way to get laid or get high. That someone could like me for just being me, even love me.

Before Jeff I didn't believe in romantic love. I didn't believe in there's someone out there for everyone. For me, you used people to get what you wanted out of them, for some kind of satisfaction, and you moved onto the next when you've drained out everything you can from them. If its money, drugs, sex, companionship, whatever it may be, you leech off of them until there's nothing left to suck. I had every intention to jump from one to the next when I first got here, and back again, hoping they wouldn't catch on. That's what it was like in the bright beautiful lights of Manhattan, faking it on the upper west side, and diving deeper and deeper in the pits of the Village, East Village, and SoHo.

That became a metaphor for me when I first started here. I was faking it with the best of them, pretending I actually belonged here, while in reality I was sinking. I didn't, and in some people's eyes don't, fit in here. I had to fight to get some kind of credibility, and I like I've been saying, I will always fight. My life will always be fronting glamour and success while I have to fight to get a glimpse from those walk with me. In a way, I like the bitter taste of it. It reminds me that I still am human and I still have to strive for something. I don't want to be on top of the world, then I have nothing left to live or fight for. Believe it or not, this feeling, this attitude makes me push harder and not give up.

Chris had started to walk around aimlessly in the house. He was bored. He was happy for the time off, but bored. Jess had left a little while ago to go to her mothers and help out with some kind of craft fair. It was just Chris and I.

"I was thinking," I started. "When I come back, how we should kick start this team again."

"Yeah?" he asked sounding really interested.

"Yeah, I mean, what if you were in a title match and I came in and knocked out your partner, while you pinned the opponent, and bam, we're back. I mean, it would be a lot better than this, but this is all I got so far."

"It could work," he said. "Have to make it dramatic. That's how we do it."

"What would be more dramatic than taking out your current partner and reclaiming my place?"

Just then a huge smile crossed Chris's face. "You should come back as a heel!" he said with such excitement that could rival that of a child who walked into FAO Shortz for the first time.

"What?" I said.

"I'm serious; follow me for a second here. I am one of the best heels in this business, and I don't have to be a cocky bastard to say that. I got the routine down to a science. It's been a while since I played the bad guy, why not?"

I shrugged my shoulders. Heel. Something I never even thought of being. I was the good girl my whole career, and there's nothing wrong with it, but why not jump to the dark side? Chris was right he was one of the best at it, him and Paul. I never thought about it because I didn't think I could do it, I just never had the chance. I was brought up with the most loved tag team and then Amy took over the heel role with perfection. I don't even think I would have had to try to be the good girl.

People have been able to identify with me, in some aspect. They knew that whatever it was that was going on in my life, what they saw being played out was genuine. It was real and it couldn't be made up. They weren't seeing a drama, but my real life being unfolded before them, and they felt bad. I was honestly hurting, I was honestly in as much trouble as they saw. It's why I could have never been the bad guy, I had too much pull.

On the other hand, it would be nice to play on that and do a complete 180. No one would expect it. There are some people that can transcend good and bad, like Paul, even Chris, though he chooses to be the bad guy. I'm not there.

"Do you think I could even pass as a bad guy?" I asked.

"You're good at what you do," he answered.

"So, there are a lot of people that are good at what they do and they couldn't pass as a heel even if they wanted to."

"True, but you're different," he said. "This isn't an everybody can do sort of thing. It goes both ways too, someone who's been bad their whole career can't suddenly turn around and be the good guy. To play both sides you really have to have mastered this profession, know its ins and outs.

"Hey, I know people have been telling you how good you are how much you've done and that there's nothing for you to worry about when you get back, I'm not one of those people. Yes, what you have is something that doesn't come by too often, but if you decide to walk down the bad road, expect to fail. You'll be able to do it, but don't expect to be liked for it. You still have a ton to learn. Some people like to sugar coat the world like it's going to help anyone out. But, if you're willing to learn, I am more than willing to help."

I smiled. "I dunno, I'd really have to think about it. That's a huge jump for me."

"Baby steps," he said.

Heel, bad guy, me? I can honestly say I never thought of it, not once my entire career thus far. I was, as Chris was mentioning it, pretty convinced that I was one of those people that just couldn't do it. But, he was putting it in my head that maybe it could work. It wasn't like I was going to go and jump heel right then and there. If I was going to do it, it was going to take a lot of planning.

This was the perfect situation to do it though, I had to admit. I was going to be gone at least a year, shorter though if I had anything to do with it. That wasn't the issue though, anyway, no one would be seeing me in awhile, and if Chris started to go that way, I could easily slip into the character when I came back. No one would expect it or know how to deal with it, I'm sure. It being the least expected thing for me to do upon my return was a pretty tempting reason to do it.

"We'd be one bad ass team then," Chris said. "In more than one way."

"How would you do it?" I asked. "I mean, if I said yes, how would you go about orchestrating this?"

"Well, your absence from the business helps, a lot. Make it some sort of revelation, that, while you were away, you realized that being the nice girl doesn't get in anywhere; it gets in you in a hospital bed. Oh! Being the good, nice girl only gets your belt taken from you and puts you out for a year. Even though you and Amy had that one last rise of the hand, the time away made you realize that it wasn't worth it. Maybe being bad, being mean, taking what you want whenever you want is the way to get the belt back, the way to gain respect. I haven't really thought about it, but that's how I'd start it."

"Wow," I said. "Pretty good."

Chris was so good at this, making up story lines and figuring out the best way and the best time to jump ship. He was a talented wrestler, yes, of course, that goes without saying, but his ability to formulate plots and story lines and twists and turns made him incredible. Once he entered the WWF, Vince had him planning out his own stories, his own ideas. If a new up and comer worked with Chris, they wouldn't just get the opportunity to work with one of the best wrestlers, they had the opportunity to work with one of the best minds of the business. It's things like this that you don't get the credit for, fans tend to over look it, think it's all Vince McMahon and his band of guys, but it's not. You hack it enough and prove yourself, you write your own way.

"You know, if you wanted to, you could start your own federation," I told him after a few minutes. "I'm serious; you have that business mind for it. I don't want you to up and leave now, but if anything should happen, it would be an option for you."

"Thanks," he said. "It's one thing I've been really good at, and that's piecing things together. I'm a showman; I am all about the entire show. It's not just the show you put on in the ring, it's the show you put on out of it too, it's the whole package. You can be a great wrestler, but if you can't hack it on the mike, forget it. If you can't put together a decent interview or string of interviews or part of your story, you're not worth half as what you are in the ring."

"It wasn't until that last match where I realized that I could put it all together. I guess I was lucky though, I really didn't have to piece it together myself, hardly ever. It was either Matt and Jeff, or everyone in the Alliance, or everything just fell into place with Amy."

"See, there's hope for you yet," Chris joked. "I wouldn't worry though, you come from the acting background, you have nothing to worry about in that department. And, it's pretty obvious you don't have to worry about the wrestling part, though I was worry in the beginning."

"You were?" I asked.

"Naturally, we see a lot of guys come and go without so much as a hiccup, and these guys lived for the business. Word was going around that Vince saw some girl training in New York and liked her enough to bring her on bored. We were pretty excited. Vince doesn't usually do preliminary meetings and scouts, so we were excited that there was going to be a new female around and if Vince had went himself to New York, she had to be damn good, and we needed that. Then word got around that you were an actress, not such a bad deal. Then, we got word that you were just working on a few things for a movie you might be doing and this was all just away to better you stunt performance and I was nervous. I didn't think you would last one day, no matter what Vince may have saw in you. People don't stumble onto wrestling and like it, let alone be good at it. I was worried you were going to really hurt yourself or put a serious dent in the business the short time you were going to be on camera.

But, Vince assured us, those who knew and those whose opinions mattered enough to him, that this was different. You were a natural and that you were being thrown in with Matt and Jeff your first day. Again, I was nervous. He was pretty convincing though, and convinced you were it. The new direction of female wrestling he said. You proved it, your first time out, and proved it each match after. This pay-per-view, that was your point, you're it, you're in, you've made it."

"I felt the same way, sort of. I didn't think it was going to work, I didn't think anyone was going to like me. I was scared to death of what I was going to see and do. But, you're right, it worked out, and I do feel like I've made it."

"See," Chris said. "You've managed to kick ass all the way to the top. Now it's time to have everyone turn on you and hate you and be a heel."

"Is this because you want me to be a heel, or do you really miss it yourself?" I asked.

"Both," he answered. "I do miss it. I get to say and do things I don't get to when I am supposed to be good. People love to hate me and I love to be hated. So, yeah, I do miss it. Also, I think you could be pretty good at it. You've got the right attitude that it might work. I don't think you are too loved to be hated. There's a possibility there."

"I'll considered it, but for you of course," I said with a smile.


	11. Chapter 11

It was about two a.m. when I called. Chris was asleep in the guest bedroom downstairs, Jessica was with him. I don't know what made me do it, but I knew he'd be awake and I couldn't sleep. I had to hear his voice. I honestly felt like I was going jump out of my skin if I didn't call.

My cell phone was wedged into the couch coition so I could get it if I needed it. It was charging and the cord to my charger went under the couch. Sleeping wasn't all that good anyway since I couldn't get comfortable in the position I had to be in, even with the special pillow the therapist gave me. All I wanted to do was walk around anyway, but I was still a long way from that.

The phone rang a few times, but I knew he would pick up, I knew he'd be awake. Finally, on the fourth ring, he did.

"Hello?" he asked, groggy.

"Jeff?" I said into the phone, almost yelling it.

"Des, what are you doing, it's two in the morning," he said.

"I know, I can't sleep, and I knew you'd be up," I replied. "How's the knee, are you ok?"

"It's alright," he answered. "You're right, I am up. I only sleep for a few minutes at a time, forty five and then I'm up again."

"At least you can lie down, I can't really," I said.

"Oh yeah, how's that going?" he asked.

"Horrible," I answered. "I am stuck on this couch and I can't do a damn thing. Do you know how much it sucks to be bound to a couch?"

"No, not in that way," he said and laughed a little.

"You are a perv, and hey, I never did that to you," I said.

"You know, I gots many womens," he joked. "Anyway, how are you doing? Besides all that back shit, how are you?"

"I, uh, well, I don't really know," I answered. "I mean, all I can think about is this back shit and that's driving me crazier than I already am."

"It's just back shit, it'll pass and you'll get better," he said. "I know you didn't call me at two in the morning to bitch about back shit. What's up?"

"I don't know, that's just it," I answered. "I am sitting here on this couch, thinking about this back shit and everything that's going along with it. I have this feeling that if I don't move soon I am going to freak out, and that has nothing to do with back shit."

"I've been having the same feeling, and I can walk," he replied. "I love coming home, ya know? I love walking in my woods, playing on my dirt bike track, playing in my studio. I can't do all of that now, but I do walk in the woods, and look at the track, none of it is clearing my mind like it used to." He paused a minute and I didn't say anything. "I feel, I feel very alone."

"I can relate," I said."I have Chris and Jessica here and I am so alone."

"You going to see someone when you're there?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't mean like that. I mean a doctor, someone to talk to, get what I am trying to say?"

"A shrink? I don't know, thought never crossed my mind."

"I am," he answered. "I have at least a month out, so I am going twice a week, I might have someone come on the road with me, I'm not sure yet, but I am while I am here. I'd say I meet the criteria for it, don't you? My head's a little messed up."

"I don't think you're messed up. You're not like everyone else, and people love that about you, they want to crawl inside your head for a day and see what it's like. You don't think or do anything like anyone I know, you're the only one who thinks somewhat like me-well I guess that explains it. No one needs more therapy than me."

"I am not talking about any of that," he said. "I don't care that I am different, eccentric, any of that. I like that, I want to keep that. I've been thinking about it since everything happened with you and Matt, but I never did. Now that things are ok, I think it's time. I think we all should, me, you, and Matt."

"That's not going to change what happened," I said.

"Obviously, but it might be good to talk about it."

"Maybe," I said. "Maybe I should look into seeing one while I'm out, hell I have a year."

"Maybe you should," he said. "Destiny, you have a lot of issues and things that I never knew how to deal with. I tried my best to be there for you and be a good listener for you and everything, but I knew nothing about most of that stuff."

"That's all I needed from you," I told him. "I didn't need you to fix me, when I was with you I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I just needed someone to say that it was going to be ok, that they were there for me and would be there for me. When I was with you my past never mattered because you saw past it."

"What about now?" he asked.

"Now, forget it, now I'm a wreck. I ruined the best thing I ever had, threw away the best friend, person, lover I would ever have. I am consumed by what I have done before then and after. I'm a mess," I answered.

"I think you should go talk to someone," he said calmly. "I think you need to work on more than just your back while you're gone. There's a lot to you, Destiny, and there's a lot you still have to figure out. I'm not going to beg you to, but I am going to ask you to."

When I was with Jeff I never felt like there was something wrong with me. I didn't feel like I had a past because it never mattered with him. When everything happened and he left me, my past came back to haunt me, tenfold. I had done a lot of stupid things after that point, as it is now well documented. I never once thought that I should see someone, not because I didn't think I needed it, but because I didn't want to face it. Some things are better left hidden. If I went to talk to someone it meant that I was admitting my problems, my guilt, and I would have to relive everything I had since I was a child, everything every therapist I ever had made me.

"You know it's not a bad thing to have to see someone," he continued. "I know you have your whole life practically. I think you've been through a hell of a lot lately and I also think your back injury is going to put you back farther. I just, I just think you should go, that's all."

He was pretty convincing. Jeff also knew that I would do just about anything he had asked me, and I think he was hoping that this was one of those things. He also knew how much I hated being on that couch, or that chair, or whatever it was having someone stair me down, analyzing me. He knew that having to face my problems in a serious manner scared me, it left me vulnerable.

I have to say, for it's part, this documentation of my life thus far has been therapy in and of itself. Being able to talk about certain things in a way that you can't in therapy, or to anyone else, is refreshing, I don't feel judged because I can't see those who are experiencing this. Though these events have come and gone and I am but reflecting on them, they are still as clear as they were then, as if they had happened only yesterday. It's a continuation of the therapy I have received over the years. Those issues will continue to be there, and I will always be an ex-(insert desirable word here). But being able to lay it all out on paper, my way, without interruption and fear of judgment makes it all worth it.

Jeff didn't press the issue with me too much, but he knew he held a strong enough power over me still that I would consider it. He wasn't controlling by any stretch of the imagination, but I had put a lot of faith and trust into Jeff, with my life, my confessions, that whatever he would suggest was something I had to think about. It was a subtle power that was never exploited.

"Would you go with me if I asked?" I asked him. "Because I don't know how I'd be if I went into another therapists office."

"If you needed me there, though I don't know how open the therapist would be about that. Some things need to be done alone, one on one."

"I don't want that," I said. "I want you there."

"I will be with you and be there as long as I can be there, as long as I am aloud there, but I don't think I can be there all the time," he told me.

"I don't know, Jeff," I said. "Can't I just call you and talk to you about how I feel?"

"Of course, always, but you need more than I, or anyone else, can give you," he told me. "I know how much you hate all of this, and I know your past experiences with therapists haven't been all that successful, but you have to try."

"He won't tell me anything that I don't already know. He's going to put me on some sort of drug because that's what they do, and try to diagnose some disorder that seems to fit at that moment because whatever I have isn't text book."

"You can't give up," Jeff said.

"I'm not giving up. I've just lost faith in the psychology and psychiatry departments all together," I said flatly. "They just want to commit and medicate."

Jeff didn't say anything for awhile. He knew how I felt about all of that because I had told him. He knew of my stints in therapy, rehab, psych homes and such. He knew I was still a screw loose up there, and he knew how frustrated I was about it. There are a lot of people who have bad experiences with shrinks; a lot of people get tossed around the system that way. When it comes to therapy and therapists, you have to find the right one. You're dealing with personal issues, issues you don't even know about until they bring it out of you, and because of that, you have to find the right one. I guess I haven't.

"It's just a suggestion," he said. "I'm not the only one who thinks that you could use this time off for more than just rehabbing your back."

"Really?" I asked. "Who's that?"

"You know," he said.

"No, I don't, but I'm getting an idea," I replied. "I know I am messed up I know I have done a lot of things I am not proud of. I don't need someone to tell me that. I also don't need someone to go behind my back and make a suggestion that I do. That's not fair. I don't go saying that about you. I've only embraced and promoted your differences."

"Yeah, but you have this history," Jeff said.

I was almost sorry I had called in the first place.

"You've been in and out of offices since you were a kid, I know that. I know that up until this point they really haven't worked, except for a temporary time or solution. Let's face it, you're not better. Doing the sort of things you did before the big match just because of the stupid and completely unforgivable things I said, that's not better. This is your chance, maybe your only chance to finally put behind you everything you've been running from. "

I didn't say anything; I just let him get it all out.

"What we do for a living, it's so easy to get lost in it. It's the perfect excuse to let yourself go. I didn't get to do that because I'm on the road 200 plus days a year. I understand that. You're days off are minimal. You're home hardly ever. You get a few days a week, but with televised shows and house shows and pay-per-views once a month, you're lucky to get two days a week. I get that. You have to get hurt to get enough time off to even say you had time off. Now you have time off, enough time off. You have at least a year, why not? Why not tackle that last and final thing that's holding you back from being what you can be?"

Of course he made perfect sense. To do that, though, was an admission of guilt, of fault. I could say it, sound like I mean it, and know that I am at fault, but actually going that extra step and sitting down with a professional, that was a whole new sort of admission.

"What do you really have to lose?" he asked me.

"My mind," I answered. "Doing this again, for the millionth time will make me lose my mind. What if it doesn't work? What if I bring all that shit up, have someone analyze it front of me, in ways none of you could, and nothing, no help, no solution, nothing. I will be drowning in lost, abandoned, and unwanted feelings and emotions and memories. My parents are dead, that's about all the closure I am going to get. There's a vacant apartment in Manhattan that I can't bring myself to even go into to get anything I may in there or anything of theirs I may want. They had no relatives, no parents, I 'm an only child, that place is a tomb of memories I don't want to relive. Why can't it just be that? Why can't my past be locked away in that apartment?"

"Because it's still haunting you now, you still think about it heavily and it still affects you. Your problems, your past, it didn't die with them."

I never really talked to anyone about my parents or their death. When I was pregnant and went to New York to have my baby, they were gone, and I had no idea. The neighbor told me. They died in a car accident on Long Island. Gone. I was partially glad, because how was I going to explain my life to them when I showed up, very pregnant. I had left long before wrestling was even a thought, living with my coach for the time being. They didn't know where I was or what I was doing, and there I would have been, showing up at the door pregnant.

It was bound to be another huge argument and I doubt I would have stayed the night. I would have probably gone to my coach's apartment a few blocks over and stayed there the months I was on leave. But I didn't have that chance, they were gone. They didn't leave anything to anyone, so the apartment remained and remains still vacant with my whole childhood and life before wrestling entombed in it.

After Matthew was born and I came back, I barely mentioned anything to anyone about them, only Jeff really knew about them and the seriousness of their actions on me. I wanted to keep that locked in that apartment.

We lived in the perfect part of the city, the upper west side. Central Park was my playground, my back yard. John Lennon's apartment was right there, though I never knew him or went into that apartment, I had seen Yoko Ono and Sean Lennon a number of times, but not enough to strike up a real conversation. We were, for our part, the typical upper west side family, with enough money to burn, but never spending it on anything worth anything. If people only knew what went on behind those doors.

Then, without warning, I started to cry. Soft at first because I didn't want Jeff to hear, but then I couldn't control it. It poured out of me, and I am pretty sure I scared Jeff. It was the sort of hysterics that makes it hard to breathe, and the more you try to the more you start to cry anyway. He didn't say anything to me because he knew he was going to have to wait it out, trying to talk to me now would be useless.

"Are you ok?" Jeff asked calmly, wondering if it was ok to talk now.

"Yes, no," I answered between sobs.

"This is what I am talking about," he said, sensing it was ok now to start talking. "This isn't healthy, you need help Des. I wouldn't tell you this if I didn't want you to get better, if I didn't love you."

It was the first time Jeff had mentioned loving me, in the present tense. That made me cry more, and Jeff went back to waiting.

"And I do promise to go with you whenever I can, but if you don't do this now, you're never going to be better. You'll be stuck in this cycle, the same cycle you've been stuck in your whole life. Don't you want to finally be free of it? Don't you want to show them that this isn't who you are, that you are so much better?" I know he was talking about my parents. "This isn't you, Destiny, you are so much better. You are by far the best at what you do; you are a beautiful person, a good mother, a good friend, lover, partner, companion."

I could sense something in Jeff's voice; it quivered, like he was on the verge of letting himself go over the phone. Jeff hadn't been this way with me in a long time.

"If you only knew what you meant to me. I never told you enough, maybe if I had nothing would have happened. Maybe we wouldn't be where we are now. But whatever, that's in the past. I just wish that I was able to tell you just what sort of person you are."

"You were my life," I told him, almost spitting it out. "You were the only thing, outside of Matthew, that was right in my life. You didn't care that I had a baby, your brothers, to you that was in the past, and we were now. That's all that mattered, that I loved you now, and still."

The still wasn't supposed to come out, but I didn't feel in control of my mouth, thoughts, or emotions. I don't know if it was because I hadn't really slept since being back from the hospital or what, but I didn't feel in control of anything.

Jeff was silent on the other end, which scared me. I felt like I had just ruined our conversation and he was going to make up so excuse as to why he had to get off the phone with me, at now three in the morning.

"Me too," was all he could manage to say.


	12. Chapter 12

I didn't know where the conversation had gone after that. It was now four in the morning and sleep was out of the question. I had admitted my feelings to Jeff, that I loved him still and didn't think I could honestly live without him. He had subtly and hesitantly admitted the same.

I wasn't sure how to take that. His admission to me while I was crying had nearly sent my head tumbling off my neck. I wondered if, had I asked, would Jeff get on the next plane and come to me. I hadn't had any inclination, any real inclination, that Jeff had felt that way towards me still. It was the first time it all felt real. There was hope, I had hope that maybe, one day, he would feel half of what he felt when we were together. My hopes were now confirmed, and it was more than that.

Of course I couldn't expect that Jeff would come down and see me tomorrow or anything. I also couldn't expect that our relationship, or any relationship, would spark instantly if at all. I was still holding onto the fact that whatever relationship would come from all of this would come in time.

Rushing into anything would only complicate things, it would only crash and burn. Despite whatever Jeff may have said to me on the phone, or whatever he may have given away, I knew that the trust wasn't 100% there, and until that was there, there wouldn't be any relationship.

I couldn't help, for some odd reason, but think about Matt right after our conversation. Our relationship, whatever one we had, or tried to forge, was complicated. We had a child together, single handedly ruined three people's lives, tried to fake a marriage, and all at the same time, called it all off. You can't just forget all of that, and we couldn't pretend it didn't happen. If anything were to happen between Jeff and myself, he was going to have to know about all of this.

After Matt professed his love to me or for me or the idea of us, and after I had turned him down, saying it wasn't any more than a fleeting feeling, we hadn't really talked at all. I know that it was right before my match and every moment after that match is a blur or doctors and hospitals, there was no way I could have even talked to him about it.

If I had the opportunity to talk to him about it now, I don't really know what I would say. Matt knew that whatever happened with us was a fleeting thing. It wasn't meant to be, and it would never be. We had Matthew, and even though it wasn't a planned thing, or something that if we had thought about it, we never would have made that decision. That was a responsibility we had to share. A responsibility doesn't have to be more than that.

I always knew that I'd be a mom one day; I just didn't know that one day would be as soon as it was. I wanted to be better than my parents were. I didn't think I'd get the opportunity right away, I didn't think I was ready mentally for it, and I still don't some times. I would think that it is pretty obvious that I tend to fall off the deep end mentally sometimes. But, here I am, a mother.

I don't regret it. If I would have to regret anything about it, it would have to be the timing. I don't even regret that it was with Matt. I wouldn't have regretted it if it had been with Adam or Jay either. I know that sounds horrible, but I guess I am pretty lucky in the people I chose to hook up with. This definitely sounds horrible but it needs explaining. Adam, Jay, Matt, and Jeff are all respectable, good, decent, honorable, and responsible guys. They are the other end of the spectrum from the guys I used to hook up with. But, had I gotten pregnant by any of those four, I knew I would be ok. So, I don't regret getting pregnant by Matt and not Jeff.

I guess the next logical question would be, do I want to get pregnant by Jeff? If it comes to it, if Jeff and I ever get to that point in our relationship, whatever relationship we get to, I would welcome it. It's just hard to think about since I have no idea where Jeff and I are headed, but if it comes to it, I would welcome it.

I'd like to say that pregnancy and motherhood have humbled me, but I can't. I take just as many risks, if not more. I haven't slowed down nor have I been particularly stable. I don't think motherhood has made me a bit crazier with my match choices or anything, but it definitely factored into what I did with Amy. My sanity was even more on the line when Amy and I were fighting. I don't think it would have mattered as much if I didn't have Matthew, but the fact that I did made the dance Amy and I did much more damaging.

If I didn't do what I did, I don't know what sort of shape I'd be in. I don't think I could be much of a mother. I really wasn't in the position to be much of anything to anyone. I was stripped mentally and physically and emotionally. I didn't have anything to give to anyone. My life had become Amy, what she was going to do next, what she was going to make Kurt do next.

Kurt Angle. I don't know what the benefit for him was while he made my life miserable, whatever it was, though, was more than enough motivation to make me miserable. I'm sure Amy was giving him something for his troubles, but part of me thinks he got off on just torturing me anyway. Since he was only a puppet in this whole game, giving it right back to him made me feel better.

He was only a pawn, but everyone but Kurt knew that. Amy used him to do more damage to me, damage she physically couldn't. She could have fooled me in our match though. The both of us did things we weren't really sure was in us. When so much is on the line, when you've put everything into something, you find strength inside you that you never thought existed and probably never will again.

I think my thoughts finally drove myself to sleep. I remember waking up again, this time it was light out. My phone read ten a.m., which was late for me. I don't think I ever slept past eight in the morning sober. The house was still quiet. If Jessica was home, she was keeping to herself. I knew Chris wasn't awake. When Chris doesn't have to be up, he isn't. He likes to sleep late on his days off. His philosophy, if you don't get that many, you might as well make the most of it when you are off.

I was able to fish around for the remote and throw on Court TV. Shortly after I got a text message from Jessica, she had left an hour ago and both Chris and I were out cold. She was going to be running a few errands and doing something with his sister. It was the only message I had. It's not easy to text or call or anything when you're on the road like everyone else was. Phone calls are brief, and you have to make time to make them, early in the morning or late at night.

It's weird. You are alone 90% of the time, literally or figuratively. There are long plane rides, car rides, hotel time. You're not in a wrestling ring the entire time. It's just very tiring, because of those long plane rides, car rides, hotel time that make the time away long and painful. There are many people who can't handle it.

At around 10:30 Chris finally made his way into the living room. I think for a minute, he forgot where he was. He had that glazed look about him. His pajama pants were disheveled and his ponytail was half up and half down. It was a side of Chris not many are used to seeing. The sight of a man who had a good nights sleep. You don't get a good nights sleep on the road, ever.

A few minutes later he realized where he was and what the situation was. He fixed his pants and pulled the band out of hair to fix it. I laughed at him and he smiled back.

"I need a shower," he said.

"Then why are you coming near me for?"

"Cute," he replied. He sat on Jay's beloved recliner and put the foot rest part up.

"Your wife's with her sister," I told him.

"Yeah, I know," he answered. "This is a nice chair."

"You don't have the pleasure of watching Jay fall asleep in it every night."

"I can only imagine."

"It's really cute; he plays it off like he isn't, reminds me of my old manager."

"Yeah? What was he like?" Chris asked.

"Well, the closest thing I ever had to father," I answered. "He could have been, he would have had me at seventeen, but he could have."

"How long were you an actor?"

No one had really grilled me about my acting career. They always want to know the bad side to my past, not the good. The bad usually outweighed the good. People want to know the bad, it sells.

"For as long as I can remember really," I answered. "I think my mom really thought that I would be a stage actress like her. She was the main breadwinning actress in the family. My dad was good, but not as good as her. I was doing commercials as a baby because it was all I could do."

"When did you start getting into movies?"

"I wasn't supposed to," I answered. "I was supposed to do commercials until I could score a role on the stage. That never came. Commercials led to the big screen. I wasn't a song and dance person; I'm not even that good of a singer.

"My manager noticed me when I was twelve. I was in Central Park doing a street show. There was this guy named John who hung around Strawberry Fields all the time swearing he was going to be the next John Lennon. He would sing his songs, do skits that were Lennon-like. I liked him because, well I love John Lennon, and just thought he was a neat guy. So, after school and whenever I could, I would hang out with John. He decided that he was going to include me in his Lennonesque shows. Boom. I was discovered."

John Lennon would have been my neighbor so to speak. I lived in the building he did. I was but four months old when he was shot and killed so I never knew him. My parents barely knew him. They were not rock and rollers so to speak. Though I found out much, much later on, later than this, that my father was a secret Beatlemaniac and would sit and talk with Mr. Lennon on regular a basis.

I wished I would have known him. I'd like to think I am a working class hero, following in a somewhat similar road as John. Parents who couldn't be bothered with me, we both were raised in homes of some kind of privilege, though equally denouncing that. Believe me, I would never consider myself in any league as John Lennon, never.

"You don't talk about this much, do you?" Chris said. "I mean, we know you're from New York we know of all the downsides to your life. I just want to know everything else."

"There's nothing wrong with that," I said. "That apartment is still there, vacant, but there. I guess it was left to me, they didn't have anyone else. The last time I was there was when Matthew was born. "

"Would you go back?"

I didn't answer right away.

"It was hard to when I had Matthew. I was so scared they'd be there and I'd have to answer to them, I was scared to just having to see them. When I left I vowed to never go back. I showed up on my managers door one day and that was it. When I showed up for my first match, I had nothing but what was in my suitcase, that was all I had left."

"Maybe you should go back now, what do you have to lose?"

He was right. From my understanding, everything was left as it was. Some of the furniture was covered with sheets and anything that could spoil was removed, but that was it. It was left in its exact condition.

When I left that house it was for good. I wasn't turning back, slowing down, nothing. I had been broken the last time. It didn't change my bad habits like I thought it would, but I was free. I was there for maybe six months before the role came up that would inevitably change my life forever.

I remember sitting at the desk in the guest bedroom that was now turned into my bedroom. I was reading "Catcher in the Rye". My manager knocked on the door and walked in with a part of a script in his hand. He didn't say anything, just put it down on the desk and walked out. I looked at the first page which read:

_Excerpt from "Outside the Ring". Movie about a female professional wrestler, her start, her career and eventual downfall. _

The excerpt was from the scene where she is basically thrown into an impromptu intervention. I read it and had to have this role. I would be able to bring enough to the role that would almost mimic my real life. I was a drug abuser, I was a drinker, I was loose. All I had to be was a wrestler, and I was more than likely going to be taking some sort of classes to better my acting career anyway. It would be killing two birds with one stone. I would be preparing for a role and would be able to sell stunts more.

I never thought that it would go this far, that I would become the role I never would take. I was only supposed to take some basic classes, learn basic moves, just enough to pass me off as a wrestler. Stunt people would work on the rest. The time frame was pretty small, so I wouldn't have been able to do all the classes that I should have taken. I didn't think I was going to be any good. My trainers thought I really had it, which led to tougher, faster training, which then led to, eventually, Mr. McMahon coming to see me.

I guess me being a high flyer was Vince's decision. On down time from my training sessions I had my trainers show me some moves off the turnbuckle, which wasn't in the agreement. I just picked it up. I had no fear. They told me if I had ever decided to switch careers, I would do just fine being a wrestler. They showed me videos of Matt and Jeff, a young Sean Michaels, even Jay and Adam and told me that was what I should aim for. Vince saw it the same way.

"Can I say something now, something I never intended on saying before?" Chris asked. "I mean, I'm sure I can, and I am going to anyway, but, you know, it's hard for me to say giving our relationship, how it turned out."

I looked at him funny and he continued.

"There was no doubting your charisma, your presence. I did doubt your heart, your talent, you reasons. It wasn't news to us knowing that this wasn't your first or intended career choice. We knew what you were, why you started the training, and by a freak accident you made it.

"There was a lot of animosity amongst us. You came from nowhere and here you were, not only making it to the big game but on your first try out, but doing it with an already widely established team. You didn't do half or any of what we had done to get where we were. There wasn't the deep seeded passion, and it was so apparent in your eyes that you were out of your league.

"It didn't take long for it to grow in you and for all of us to see that maybe Vince was right about you. You became one of us so quickly, fitting right in, going along with it. The passion started to come, that fire. Whatever doubts we had about you were quickly washed away. You became more than I think Vince would even admit, and here you are now."

It didn't hurt what Chris had said to me, I am sure animosity is a much nicer word than how he, or anyone else, had really felt. Like I had said before, I knew I was pushing my luck when I first got here. I knew people hated me, and still do, for coming up from where I did, nowhere. I didn't push it in small federations across the country. I didn't live out of my car because I had nowhere else to go. This wasn't my dream, it wasn't my passion, and it wasn't my life.

My life, as it was then, was in front of the camera, on the big screen, waiting for that one role to slingshot me from Sundance to the real thing. This role was my shot at the real deal, the red carpet, Oscars, the whole nine. It took me in a totally different direction.

It's totally justified how they all felt about me, why I am still hated now by some of them. You have to think of it like this, something you've always wanted, worked so hard to get, put your blood, sweat and tears into, and here comes someone who took it with no effort what so ever, and to top it off, they didn't even really want it in the first place.

That's the only way I can think of to describe it. You have to put yourself in their shoes, in that position to fully understand. Just think about.

"I hope this doesn't change anything," Chris said after a few minutes. "I mean, I think we're at that point where we can be totally honest, right?"

"You never have to apologize or explain yourself to me, trust me, I know. I know that I am still hated by so many people. I never wanted this for my life, and people who have wanted it their whole lives, and still don't have it, have to watch me. I'm not stupid."

Chris nodded. I always thought that the relationship I had with my boys was always open and honest. I am a very blunt person; I tell it like it is. I expect nothing less when it comes to me.

"Guess you never pictured this," Chris said.

"Hell no, I thought Vince was kidding when he said he wanted to give me a shot. I didn't even really know anything about this business."

"I'm glad he did," Chris said.

"In the long run, so am I, but I had no idea what I was getting into. I wanted to win an Oscar, not a title belt, but I don't turn down challenges. This was a challenge. My agent wanted to kill me for deciding to go with it, but I didn't care."

"I guess I didn't think of that, you could have said no," Chris said.

"I could have, I guess playing that roll wasn't enough, I had to be it."

Chris laughed and nodded his head. Who knew that it really would be.


	13. Chapter 13

"I want to see some of your movies," Chris said after a few minutes. "I never once saw any of them."

No one asked me that either before. I wasn't even sure if they had made the move from North Carolina to Florida. If that hadn't, I'm sure Jeff wouldn't have destroyed them out of vain, but hey, anything's possible I guess. It's not that you can't find my movies; it's just that they are hard to find. They never made it out of a small theater in downtown Manhattan, or any "artsy" cities. It's Sundance, and I, at one point, was the queen of it. It's not saying that any movie that's independently made doesn't go off to be something huge.

"I would have to seriously look," I said.

"I've seen parts, I googled you, you know," he said with a smile.

"Really? How stalkerish of you."

"Hey, I knew you wouldn't come right out with the info, and if I was going to ask you about this stuff, I should at least know something."

"What did you see?"

"Not a whole lot, interviews, you haven't changed a bit, except for the ever changing hair. You were an adorable teenager. Um, I did see one scene, almost wish I hadn't. A side of you I never thought I'd see, or at an age I'd ever want to see it…"

"Enough said," I interrupted.

"Why would you do that?" he asked.

"The script called for it, that's what the movie was about mostly. I didn't mind, I was sort of excited about it. A mix of nerves, reason to piss my parents off, I was too stoned to even be embarrassed," I answered. "I was a fantastic teenage prostitute."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"It was the movie that got me the role I was supposed to take," I told him. "I'm not ashamed of a having a sex scene at fifteen. My manager was, but hey, I was going to do it anyway."

"Funny you chose this path; you would have really made it."

"I do my acting here as well, which is good enough for me now."

"What acting? You play yourself. You say things you'd normally say, you dress, for the most part, as you normally do. There's nothing staged about who you are in that ring."

"True, I don't know. Now that I'm here, I can't imagine doing anything else."

"I don't want you to change professions, believe me, but I wonder what it would have been like had you gone the other way."

"Took the role? I guess I can't really say. It would be just as hard for me as it was here. I had what it took, but who knows it would have translated into mainstream."

Chris sat up and put his hand on my knee, then got up and walked into the kitchen. If he was hungry, there wouldn't be much for him to find. Jay and I weren't the best at being domesticated.

"Do you two eat?" Chris yelled at me.

"No, not really," I answered back.

"Funny," he replied.

I didn't hear anything from him in a while, but I heard him go through the cabinets and draws.

"You know, you need to eat right," he finally said.

"I eat fine," I said.

"No, you don't," he said. He popped into the entrance way from the living room and the kitchen.

"I do," I replied. "I eat fine; it's hard on the road you know."

Chris gave me a look and went back into the kitchen again. It is hard, that's not a lie. You can cook hardly, so you have to eat out. You try to do it right when you're out, but it's hard. You cook when and if you can. Not that eating out is always bad, you just have to go to the right places and get the right things. Our bodies are our profession, so you can't be lax about it.

"You have to take better care of yourself," Chris told me. He had spent some time in the kitchen and came back with two plates. He put one in front of me; eggs with veggies and a tiny bit of cheese. "Protein, vegetables, balance."

"Yes, dad," I said jokingly.

"I'm serious, I've seen you, you don't eat hardly, when you eat."

"I'm not anorexic," I said. "Or bulimic, trust me."

"I didn't say that," he said.

Chris handed me a fork and I started to eat. He was good, I gave him that. Chris was pretty good with the whole health thing. He was better than most of us. He always had the right vitamins and the right places to go eat.

"You know that everyone's going to be coming down soon, don't you?" Chris asked me.

"No, I didn't," I said.

"Yup, RAW's going to be here, so everything's coming in early to see you," he told me. "Adam's the next one to hang here right?"

"Yeah, he is," I answered.

"Can't say the break isn't well needed," he started. "I mean, I don't think I had a day off in a while, not one where I could really rest, day here and there but I spent it traveling to the next venue, get there early."

"Wanna trade?" I asked him. "You can have all the time off you need."

"As much as I need a day off, I don't want to be in your shoes, no offense."

"I don't want to be in my shoes," I said.

"You need it more than anyone, too bad it's not on your terms," Chris told me.

"If it were, I'd still be out there."

"I know you would," he said.

I love a day off like the next person, sometimes your body just needs it, but I took very few. My days off were days where I knew I wasn't going to be able to move. Days forced on me to take off. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working. Like Chris said, usually the day or two we have off we spend getting to the next place early and hanging out there, bored and alone. I have to keep busy, if I'm not keeping busy I go crazy. That's usually when I tend to get into trouble.

"I enjoyed my week," he continued. "I am ready to get back, I'm getting old, I get rusty if I'm off too long."

I laughed. "Sure, you're way too old for this."

"We don't have long life spans, and I don't want to be that washed up former superstar trying to hack it with the new kids, doing old moves that date me. I'm sorry, I want a little bit of dignity."

I agree with him on that. We see it all the time, former stars, well past their prime, coming back to a game that has changed beyond them. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it doesn't. The game changes constantly, what worked a few years ago isn't good enough anymore. The moves have to be more intense, more crazy, more over the top in order for the fans to keep believing. Deep down you want to root for these guys who come back, forty, fifty, sixty years old, and try to put a show on. Everyone goes nuts because they're legends in the field, but deep down you sort of feel sorry for them, because they have to know, I mean, they really do have to know that the game is beyond them now and they are constantly playing catch up, boring the crap out of the kid they happen to be up against. A legend is a legend because he or she is remembered for the way they were, and what they brought to the table, that image is ruined when you try and bring it back. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

"I'll know when it's time to leave for good," he said. "And I know I am going to want to make several come backs, but I am going to have to fight that. You, you won't leave until you've managed to kill yourself."

"Closer every day," I said with a smile.

"Very comforting, thank you," Chris replied. "As if I don't worry about you enough outside the ring."

"I know you guys worried like mad for this match, and I would have too if it were one of you in that situation. I'm alive, pretty banged up, but alive."

"Barely, you got lucky. Don't keep pressing your luck. It's bad enough we had to worry about Jeff, now we have to worry about you too. You know, I really don't know who's worse, you or him. But Sunday, we were all on edge, for the both of you."

"I know," I said. "I know how you feel because I felt it for him. I was so damn nervous when he was out there. Not because I was afraid of all the crazy shit he could have done, move wise, but all of the crazy shit he was going to do because of what he was thinking. This wasn't some crazy high fly match; it was a real honest fight. See you guys don't know Jeff like I do, you don't know that crazy side of him. I knew it, and I saw it in his eyes, and it scared me. He loses it when it gets inside himself like that. You don't know, none of you do really. I know, I know what goes on inside there, and the fact that I hadn't been able to get in there for a long time made the match that much more scary. "

That was true. They were worried because they knew what crazy moves Jeff was capable of. Me, I was worried because I know how his mind works. Matt sort of knew, and everyone knows Jeff's mind works on a different plane than the rest of us, but no one really knew like I did. What I knew was what made me want to vomit throughout that match, it was what pushed me to near tears, it was what made me hold on to Matt for dear life.

No matter what, Jeff and I are always going to cross paths, mentally or physically. That match it was all mental. Despite everything we had been through, we somehow managed to come full circle.

"I guess," Chris said. "I almost couldn't watch your match. Made me sick."

"It had to be done," I said. "And, the same for Jeff."

"Jeff's match I understood, fighting for you, for your honor. That makes sense to me, we all would do it, and have at some point in time. But there had to be other ways to handle your situation, right?"

"No, it had to be done. I mean, if I didn't handle it, it would kill me. That was the only way I knew how, and it worked. We had to do something, for me to lose that belt to her would push her away; we weren't after a common goal. For us to fight it out was a way for us to do just that, really fight it out, get it out. With each punch, each blood drop it was relief. That's the only way I can really explain it."

"I do get it, I really do. It was just sickening because I know how crazy you can get, you're like Jeff. And I knew the real hate that was there, it's just a bad combination. You really couldn't blame us for being worried."

"No, I guess not, and I would have been too looking back. But, in that moment, nothing was going to stop me, change my mind, or convince me there was a better way. Violence sometimes solves everything, when you've beaten it out so bad, what's left?"

"That's a new way of looking at it," Chris said with a laugh.

"I suppose," I said.

"Was it worth it?" he asked.

"The outcome? The injury and all? Yes, I'd say so. I'm alive, I'm going to be ok, so it is. I won't really know until I get back and everything's different," I answered. "But just knowing that it's all over, or should be over is going to be good enough for me right now."

Chris nodded his head; he seemed satisfied with the answer I gave him. It was the only one I had. It was all I could think of and I wasn't going to try and come up with anything else.


	14. Chapter 14

I don't remember too much after that. I do remember asking Chris for my pills and taking about three of them. The first one didn't do anything for me and I was in a lot of pain. I guess my tolerance wasn't what it used to be, because I must have passed out. When I did wake up, Chris was sitting in the chair next to me, as he did before, sort of watching, TV. He looked like he was watching it, but you could tell he was staring right through it.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey you're self, you ok?" he asked. "You were out for a while."

"Yeah, I'm ok," I answered. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing, really. Paul called; I told him you were sleeping. Jay called also, told him the same thing. Jay was worried about you."

"Yeah, well if I have more than one pill in the time I'm supposed to, he freaks."

"I know, he's looking out for you. Not saying I'm not, but I know what it's like, being in pain and not being able to feel better."

Chris looked at me like he wanted to say more, but hesitated.

"Been there?" I asked.

"Yes, well no, not down any road that could compare to what you've been down. I do know what it's like to be in pain, we're all in pain. Once you're hurt, you're hurt forever, a week off helps, but not really. I'd give anything to be able to wake up and get out of bed without pain, without the limp, but that's part of the territory. You sign up knowing that's what'll happen. I've been on pain pills before, and the taste is good, and it's tempting, but nothing is that good. Nothing like that can last forever. You have to get over that taste, I don't know."

I knew, I understood what he meant. Since coming here I've only been on real pain meds twice, now, and when I first hurt my back. Other than that, it's been Advil and aspirin. I can't lie and say that each time the taste didn't bring me back, because it does. Like Chris said, the taste is good. Even when you weren't, or are, an addict like I was, the taste is good, and dangerous, especially in our line of work. It's so easy, one slip and you're gone, and you don't even know it. For me, it was that more tempting. I was down there; I knew what that taste was really like. I'd be a liar if I didn't say it would have been so easy to fall right back.

Chris didn't mention it after that and I wasn't going to bring him down there. People talk when they want to, and you don't force them. I never heard about any of my boys having any real problems with the stuff, or any stuff like it. I guess I could say I was lucky to have them as my friends. I was in good company as they say.

No one's perfect, and we are human, so everyone is prone to it. But, not everyone gets hooked. I'm not about to try and understand addiction and why some people are and others aren't. That's not at all my place, but I had been there, and I didn't think anyone in our group understood, but Chris seemed to have some sort of understanding.

Chris was quiet after that; he really didn't have much to say. I don't think he had any real intention on saying anything about how he felt about pain meds, or whatever history he had with them. Whatever history he did have with them, it wasn't all that clear to me. I think there was some sort of history, and I wouldn't try and beat it out of him, but I don't think Chris himself even fully understood.

My phone went off, with no surprise, it was Jay.

"Hey, Jay, what's up?" I asked into the phone.

"Checking in, how are you feeling?" he asked.

"Fine, napped for a bit, felt good."

"You sure you're ok?" he repeated.

"Yes, you don't have to check up on me and the bottle of pills," I said.

"What makes you think I am?"

"Hunch," I said. "Look, I know that you're worried, but I'm ok, I'm going to be ok."

"I guess," he said. "Who else is going to worry about you like I do?"

And he was right. No one worried about me like Jay. Not to say that no one did, but not like Jay. He almost took it too far, but kept it within boundaries.

"Suppose, but I am going to be ok, just have to trust me. I have it this time, I have it all figured out. I am ok."

"I guess," Jay said. "I am here if you need anything."

"Talked to Jeff at all?" I asked.

"Um, no, not recently," Jay answered. "Maybe a few days ago."

"He's due back soon, right?"

"Yeah, by the end of the month," Jay answered.

"I'm sure he can't wait."

"You either?" Jay asked.

"Of course," I said.

"Don't hurry back and I mean that. You do that and you won't be able to come back. There's nothing worse than that."

"I know," I said.

"Serious, you don't want to enter the wrestler's retirement home now, it'd be a shame. Too many old people and you're way too hot for that," Jay said laughing at the end.

"Cute, real cute."

"I know, but I am serious. You don't want to come back years later on RAW or something trying to bang your moves out but you can't because you're body's shot. You know those guys."

"I do."

"And do you want to be one? I don't think so. Too much talent, it'd be wasted, and that would be a shame," Jay said to me.

He was right, as always. I couldn't argue that.

"Do you have therapy today?" Chris asked me once I got off the phone with Jay.

"Yes, hour I think," I answered. "It sucks."

"Pain, I know, nothing like it," Chris said.

"Nothing at all, and I've had a lot of pain," I said. "My body doesn't want to do it, I have to push."

"Isn't that the point?" Chris asked. "Besides, it's so worth it in the end."

"Very worth it."

I've had different sorts of physical therapy with my various injuries, most small. The worst was a year or so ago when I originally hurt my back. Though I have to say, that looked worse than it actually was and my out time was a lot less. This was different than that, and the therapy was brutal. This is a solid year, a painful year.

"I'll disappear for that hour if that's ok," Chris said to me. "I know I wouldn't want to be watched while going through that."

"Thanks," I replied. "It's terrible."

"I'll be upstairs, with the FoodNetwork," Chris told me.

"Ok, just remember what you saw, make it later," I replied.

Chris laughed, "it's a deal."

When the time came, Chris started getting a few things together, things to eat and drink. He wanted to be sure that he wouldn't have to come downstairs for anything. He went upstairs with handfuls of things.

My therapist let herself in. She pretty much knew to. She smiled when she saw me, knowing that I wasn't at all happy to see her. She put all of her things down and moved the coffee table. It was easier than trying to do it on couch. It was all stretching and range of motion exercises.

"Nice and slow," she told me. "I want to see where you're at with walking, just a lap around the living room. We'll stretch you out just slightly."

"Wonderful," I said.

The stretching was the worst part. It wasn't the normal stretching pain, but an actual burn. Stretching wasn't my forte, believe it or not. I am not, and was not most flexible person in the world; which because of the things I do, seems to amazed just about everyone. The only thing I can say about it, it's totally different. I don't contort my body in the ring, I fly, and whatever my body does in the air is a product of the moment when you don't feel gravity. I am the worst in submission matches, which is why I hardly ever use any submission moves. Even in certain pinning situations I feel that small bit of a burn. I am one of the least flexible people in the locker room, and definitely ranked last amongst the women.

With all that said, you can only imagine how I felt during these stretching exercises. The goal was to increase the flexibility in my lower back, not just because I didn't have any to begin with, but to stretch out the ones in my back. If I just sit there and let it heal up on it's own, I'll never walk right again, let alone get in the ring.

"Any changes?" my therapist asked me. I shot her a look. "I know you don't feel it now, but trust me, I do sense a difference."

"It burns in the bottom of my foot," I told her.

"Ok," she said. She had lifted my leg up to the same height as the couch, my toes pointing straight up to the ceiling.

"Is that bad? I mean stuff like that happened before the surgery."

"Before the first surgery too?" she asked.

"Um, I honestly I don't know," I answered.

"I'm not concerned because of the sort of surgery you had. We just have to make sure to keep an eye on it and see how it progresses. If it was something that was happening before the first surgery, I might be a bit concerned, but still, with what happened I am not going to get too worried just yet."

What made walking so hard was the time I spent in the hospital on top of the tingles I had in my leg. Though I felt instant relief after surgery, and even better after the swelling went down, but it was still a long road.

I also didn't know what made my last surgery so different than this. I had an open back for two days, and basically a similar surgery, but now I was out a year instead of two months. Despite all that had happened to me 2 years ago, I couldn't, for some reason, recover as I did.

It frustrated me.

"How does walking feel?" my therapist asked me.

"Eh," I answered.

"Don't push it," she said.

"I'm good," I answered.

"Most people make themselves worse because they try to overdo it."

"I didn't need all this last time," I said. "And I thought I was a lot worse."

"You have to think, you basically did the same thing twice, and in doing it again it was a re-aggravation of the originally injury. There was server nerve damage this time around. Your previous injury was more swelling with a little nerve damage, not this time around. So don't push it."

I nodded, but didn't understand it. It didn't make sense to me, and it only frustrated me. My lap was long and painful. I didn't want to show my pain. But she saw right through me and told me to sit. I needed help.

"You're progressing," she said. "I like the track were on, we are right on schedule."

"Any chance of being a head of schedule?" I asked.

"Like I said, don't push it."

She gave me a look. I sat there as she got her things together.

"How's the pain?" she asked.

"Eh, I dunno," I answered."Pills help."

"Taking them right?"

"Yes," I answered. "They take enough of the edge off."

Which was true, I could easily down three of them and feel nothing, but I never took more than two, I still wanted to feel that tinge of pain. It made know I was still alive and not under the grip of the meds.

"How many refills are you aloud?"

"I honestly don't know," I answered.

"Don't play the system you," she told me.

She had to know my history. Playing the system is so simple, especially in this line of work. Pharmacists don't ask too many questions when you're traveling. They know who we are and it's so easy to find a doctor who will just write the script for you just based on who you are.

"Look," she said. "I know this is murder for you, I know, in small detail your past and I know that you are jumping to get back. You can't, you have to, and you want to come back right? I don't know much about your line of work, but I know it's physical, and you can't do anything physical until you heal the right way. Listen to me, ok; I do this for a living."

I nodded my head.

"I'll be back in two days," she said.

I nodded again and she let herself out. Chris came back down about five minutes after that. I was on the couch.

"Well?" he asked. I shrugged. "What? Oh, you're still not walking right and you're not where you wanna be. Look, Des, get over it. Yeah, it sucks, and it's going to suck until the moment you get the clear to get back in the ring. Do you want to know what would be worse? Not being able to get back. Is that something you want? Is that what you're aiming for? Because that's what it sounds like to me, that's what I hear. What you need to realize, and not in a sugar coated way, is that all of this crying and bitching about the length of your recovery is crap. Bite the bullet, because it's going to be a long time and you need to focus more on your therapy and getting back than the time it's going to take. I promise you, if you rush this you won't come back and all you're going to be bitching about then is wishing you had listened to everyone."

I put my head down and Chris went into the kitchen.


	15. Chapter 15

Chris stayed in the kitchen for a while; I think he might have even gone outside. I didn't see him for a while, and was sort of glad. I had made him mad, which was pretty hard to do. I know he wanted to clear his head, which is what he does on those rare occasions when he gets mad.

Of course then in that moment I was mad at him as well, and thought he was overreacting. I believed then that I had every right to be upset, and I still do to an extent. It was our lives, this business, and when you're cut out for any extended period of time you can only think of getting back.

I felt attacked, Chris wasn't the first and of course the last person to tell me these things. He just did it in a way no one would, with force; a way that I really needed it. I get tip-toed around. Chris said it straight, and I was mad at him for it, and he was equally mad for having to say it.

"Are you hungry?" Chris asked. I didn't know where he had gone and he came out of no where.

"I little," I answered.

"Ok," he said disappearing back into the kitchen again.

I was pretty hungry, and knew I was going to need a pill soon, so I had to eat. It's not a pretty picture if you don't and try and take one.

There was silence, except for the TV playing. Chris had nothing to say to me, he had said it all before, and I certainly didn't have anything to say back. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

I had received a lot of text messages while I was in therapy, one from Adam, Jeff and Matt, three from Jay, and two from Paul, though one was from Stephanie from his phone. I responded to them, and kept getting some in return. It was a nice distraction.

Naturally, I didn't tell any of them about what Chris had said. They probably would have jumped at Chris instinctively without really thinking about it. It's a natural reaction for them at this point. If I would tell anyone it would be either Paul or Jeff, they tend to be the most level headed in these situations. They also would have told me Chris was right, maybe just in a nicer way.

I felt like calling Jeff, seeing how he was doing, what he was doing. He was alone. He had his dad, who was a phone call away, if he needed him, but that was it. I should have told him to come with me to Florida. I fought myself in telling him. Now I wish I had. It would have given me someone else hurt to bitch with, and maybe justify my reasons in my bitching. Or, on the total opposite side, he would have been able to tell me I was out of line.

Jeff was able to settle and center me. He was the only one besides my acting coach that could calm me down, keep me in line. He knew that I tended to get emotional, high strung, and he could bring me down instantly. If he were here, he probably would have sided with Chris and told me I was totally overreacting. He would have understood, but told me to be thankful I was alive.

I didn't really understand the extent of my injury, even as it compared to my previous, which was almost the same injury. That being said, it made this one just the more serious. As it was, my previous injury was more of a pressure situation with a fragment pressing onto my spine like this injury. However it was, or however it had broken, it didn't fully rest on my spine like now nor did it do the extensive damage it did this time. They were able to fuse the disk back together, which caused the extensive swelling. Within a month's time I was back in the game, appearing at ring side and doing very minimal work. Within three months I was back inside the ring.

I didn't know then what the difference was and why I couldn't just walk out of the house in a month's time. It was because I didn't know the injuries. I didn't know that the fused disk, and two others, had shattered, into tiny pieces. I don't know if the doctor who had done my first surgery did a poor job since that disk shattered again, nor did I know I was in that much trouble before they shattered. I guess you don't really know. The tiny shards of disk lodged into my spinal cord, and the nerves that traveled down my left leg, my sciatic nerve. That was the reason behind my left leg being totally dead, and the pain and tingle feeling I experienced.

I was told that had the shards, or some of them, had been just millimeters in another direction, I could have lost my left leg completely. Knowing what I know now, I don't know if I would have reacted differently to the lengthy recovery. I still don't fully understand all of it, how doing almost similar things and having an almost similar injury could result in two totally different results.

I heard the door in the kitchen open and close again. The grill was outside the door. Jay's sort of outdoor kitchen, a great idea, had he really known how to use it. Chris did.

"Shouldn't be too long, half hour or so," Chris said to me. I nodded. "Des, I didn't mean to come down on you so hard. Actually, that's a lie, I did. I just wish you could see it through someone else's eyes and maybe you'd understand."

He went back into the kitchen and I heard him go through the refrigerator and the cabinets. Drawers opened and closed.

I reached around on the couch to find the remote. The constant stream of SportsCenter wasn't going to cut it anymore. It was football season, and as much as I loved it, the same stories over and over weren't satisfying anymore. I changed it to Investigation Discovery, one of my favorite channels on IO. It was playing one of my favorite shows, "Most Evil". For those of you who don't know, or don't share the same macabre tendencies as I do, it's a show that basically ranks murders on a list from 1-22 based on how evil they are. It's pretty sick. It puts a psychological spin on murder and serial killers.

"Oh that's nice," Chris said, coming in when the show was talking about a man who molested, tortured, and murdered little boys. "How can you watch this?"

"It's that macabre nature we all have," I answered.

"I don't have it."

"Yes, it's why we all stop at an accident scene and are mad when we can't see the gore."

"Well, whatever, food's ready."

Chris set up snack trays in the living room and brought in a steak he grilled outside as well as a salad and French fries.

"I can't watch this and eat," Chris said.

"Fine," I said changing the channel.

I put on the WWE channel but quickly changed it since they were talking about my injury. I put on Comedy Central, they were playing Scrubs.

"Better," Chris said.

"Yeah, yeah, you're welcome," I replied.

"I brought you a pill for after you ate," Chris said to me.

"Thanks," I said taking it from his hand.

I popped it and then took a sip from my glass.

"Help?" he asked.

"Takes enough of the edge off," I answered.

"Always made me sick."

"It can," I said. "Um, Chris, I know before, we-"

"Don't worry," Chris said. "Like I said, I'm not sorry for being rash. I meant what I said and how I said it. If I came across as mean, that was unintentional. Your health is more important that anything. I hope you can understand that, before it's too late."

"I know it is, but so is my career. We work in a business where one day you're in and the next you're not. Just like that, the drop of a dime, everything's gone."

"Yes, but when you reach the level we're at, it doesn't matter. The climb to the top is less hard. People like us, we don't just disappear."

"You've been around, it's easy for you to say that because it's true for you," I said. "I don't have the time you guys do."

"Yes, but you've done enough in the time you have been here to make up for it. It's that something you had the moment you got here. You had a baby and back surgery before and you've come back. This is no different."

"This isn't nine months or three or whatever, it's a year at least," I said.

"You don't get it; I don't think you ever will. That's the problem," Chris told me. "When you see the big picture then you'll get it."

"When I had my son, things with our alliance were hot; it didn't matter if I was there or not. I am all alone now, trucking it as a solo act, trying to get a good team back together. I don't have that cushion anymore."

"You don't need it," he told me. "That's what you don't get. You're not going anywhere. What you have is something not everyone has, and frankly not something anyone has seen in awhile. That gift you have is what's going to keep your name in people's minds and it's what's going to send you to the top when you come back."

"I know, I know what you're trying to say, but it doesn't work that way in my head," I said.

"Well, one day you'll be able to break away from the grip of your insecurities have on you."

And that was it, nothing else was said. Chris was making very good points, but I wasn't ready yet to understand them. I was still that little girl lost in Manhattan. I was that way walking into this business and it will still be a part of me when I leave, and until the day I die. I just wasn't able yet to harness it. I was much better at the point from when I started, but it wasn't quite there yet.

I am my own worst enemy; I make things harder on myself. Things that roll off the average person doesn't with me. It sits with me and smolders inside me until something even more trivial forces it out, and it's usually comes out in unconventional ways.

It frustrates everyone because they don't understand it. They don't understand the extremes I'm willing to go or have gone to avoid talking about my emotions, what I do instead of talking. It's foreign to them; it's so extreme they can't wrap their heads around it. It's so much a part of me and I can't share it with anyone else because I can't find the words to do it.

Jeff was the one person who was able to go deep into my psyche. He had, to a much, much lesser degree, the similar issues as me. We ran along the same mental plane. Not having him around like I had before did considerable damage to my psyche. I didn't have that one thing that would save me from myself.


	16. Chapter 16

If I could toss and turn, I probably would have that night. My head was trying to wrap itself around so many different things; what Chris had said to me earlier, what he said at dinner, and the fact that no one would ever be able to get deep enough inside me to really know what was wrong. The fact that I was bound to the couch, unable to get up and walk off this nervous energy made it so much worse. I wanted to scream. Not even Forensic Files was helping me tonight.

My cell phone was hanging from its charging cord and hanging over the couch. I flipped it open and looked at it; my finger pressed the green button and pulled up my most recent calls. Paul, Matt, Stephanie, Adam, Jay, and Jeff's name were all there. I didn't know who to call at first. No one would get it, no one but Jeff.

I didn't think that it was three am. I had already called him once so early so I guess it didn't matter. It never does with him anyway, he always up, never fully asleep. I had to call Jeff.

Surprisingly, his phone rang only once before he answered it.

"Hey," he said when he answered it.

"Jeff," I said just barely auditable.

"What? What's wrong, Des?" he asked. "Destiny?"

"It's hard," I answered just as quiet. "I can't do this by myself."

"You're not by yourself, Chris is there with you, to help you," Jeff said.

"No, no it's not the same, it's not what I mean," I cried, the tears stuck in my throat.

"What do you mean then?"

"I'm alone in my head," I answered.

Jeff didn't say anything at first, but I knew he understood.

"I can't, Jeff, I can't do this alone. I'm scared, so scared."

I fought the tears and I knew Jeff could hear that in my voice. It shook, not just out of fear, but trying to keep it together enough. Jeff had heard me say it before; I'm alone in my head. It was something the both of us had said to one another before with the basic same meaning. It meant, more or less, that we were spending too much time thinking about something and it was getting to us. We were alone in our heads, plain and simple.

"I'm calling Chris," he said to me.

"No, please, he can't do anything for me, I need you," I said letting out just enough of the tears.

"What-what happened?"

"I just can't, I need you. I need you, please," I said. "Please, Jeff."

He didn't say anything again. He knew nothing he could say would help. I was in the thick of it. It could only last a day, or a few hours, or shorter, but when that spell hits you, it hits hard.

I heard typing.

"The earliest I can leave is 7:50," he said. "I'll land at 9:30. By the time I rent a car and get to you it'll be closer to 10:30."

I didn't say anything.

"Destiny, do you want me to come? I'd drive the whole way but with my knee I can't. The drive from the airport to you is ok, I'll be fine." He paused a minute. "Is that what you want? Do you want me to come down? All you have to do is say so and I'll be there."

I started to cry at that point. I didn't know what to say. Yes, of course I wanted him to come, I needed him. I wanted to see him, I needed to see him. I needed him to tell me I was going to be ok, and whatever it was I was feeling was just inside my head.

"I don't know what you want from me unless you tell me," he said trying to calm me down. "I am here for you, whatever you need, and that includes flying down to see you, but I don't know what you want. I'm afraid to leave you for the time I'll be in the air until I see you. I need to know what you want."

I knew Jeff was afraid, I was hearing it in his voice. I couldn't say anything. As much as I wanted Jeff there, I didn't. I didn't want to burden him, and if he came that's all I'd be thinking about. I didn't want anyone talking, asking why I needed Jeff to come when I had Chris there. They would eventually get it, knowing that Jeff was the one person who knew.

It seemed almost like a cop-out. Oh, well Jeff's the one person who can understand her so just let it be. As true as it was, I didn't want to lean on it. It was the perfect reason to get to see him, be with him, but I didn't want it to seem like that was the only reason I would call.

"What do you want, Destiny?" he asked.

"Stay," I answered softly, gathering myself enough to make the decision. "I just need to talk and know you're there."

"Always here, any time, as you can see," he said. "What's wrong, really?"

"I can't do this, Jeff," I said, fighting the tears again. "I can't do this recovery. I am so scared. I can't lose anything else."

"What have you lost? You haven't lost anything, you still have it, it's just not with you," he said. "Whatever we have is always temporary anyway. It's fleeting. Are you trying to value your life based on what you have? You're never going to win that way; you're always going to be miserable. You're life is more than what you have, you are more than what you have."

It made the perfect sense. Most of what Jeff says makes perfect sense.

"I know what his business means to you, it means that much to me as well, so don't give me that crap. I know you want to say it. And I also know that it's not the reason why you called, you can get that from Chris, from anyone. So, what is it really?"

I couldn't answer him. How do you tell someone that you just don't know but you're scared to death of not getting better, of getting better, and of being told that you're a total idiot for not seeing the side of things everyone else does? I couldn't tell Jeff that I was not able to shake the feeling of failure. It was so silly, and I didn't want to hear him say it. Chris could say it, Jay could say it, Jeff couldn't.

"If I don't know what it is, what it really is, I can't help you," he told me.

"I know, I know," I said.

"To worry about your future is only natural; I can't say that I haven't worried about it. You can't dwell on it, because I know that it might be a fight, but I'll get back where I was, so will you," he told me. "Every injury is like that, big or small. I know we've been on your case, but it's true, I don't want to hear you about being afraid to get back. You have the moment, and it passes, let it pass. Concentrate on new story lines, new battles for you and Chris, something, but let die the feelings of failure. Leave behind the nervous energy and hopelessness. You'll feel so much better."

"I know, I know, and I wish I could say that I am scared to death of just not getting better. I am, but it isn't that. Yes, I am afraid of never being able to step into the ring, you know, fuck it, I'm scared to death of just not getting better. It's beyond wrestling and beyond getting in the ring and the fame and the bullshit that goes with it. I wish I could say that I was just afraid of going back. I wish you guys would see the reason why I'm so scared to go back, but I'm just the crazy one, and I wish to all hell that someone would realize that I'm not only scared of not being able to get in the ring, but I am so scared of just not getting better. Fuck not wrestling again, what if I can't walk again? What if something doesn't heal right?

"Better yet, what if I get better and have to go back, what if I can't do it? What if I heal perfectly, ready to go back in a year and I can't? Do you know what's worse than not being able to come back? Being able to come back physically and not being able to do it mentally, that's what's worse. But all anyone can see is how I'm scared that I won't be able to get on top when I get back, that I'm going to be forgotten. Yes, that scares me, losing it all and having to start over because I worked so damn hard to get where I was, but it's so much more than that. Since I've been here I've been bitched at over and over about this, I got yelled at by Chris because of this, and I mean yelled at. But, whatever, that's what you guys hear, that's what you think. Think it, keep telling me I'm insane and that how could I possibly think that my career is going to suffer, whatever, I'm so over it. I am so over it."

I don't think Jeff was ready for the rant, though he should have been. If he knew anything about me, when I hold everything in and vent to him, I blow up. I wasn't crying anymore, or near it. The tears were beyond me now and I was mad.

Jeff didn't answer me for a while. I wasn't sure if he was waiting for me to calm down, and giving me a moment to gather myself, or I had really rendered him speechless. I tend to do that to a lot of people, though my rants never made him speechless for this long, so I knew I hit a spot.

"Chris yelled at you?" was all he could ask.

"Yes, he did, sort of I mean. You were doing it too, just not as vocal as he was. All of you, you all think that this is all some basic thing, that you can summarize this down to one simple quark. I thought you of all people would be able to at least see past that and know what I really meant, or what I was trying to get at."

"I had to admit this, but I haven't been able to figure out you're subtleties in a long time. I haven't been able to be that close to you, as much my fault as it is yours. So, with that said, no, I didn't see that yet, I didn't sense it, and I am sorry that I had simplified you're feelings to one thing, that I should know better than to do. Look, I know what you mean and what you're going through, and you're going to have to trust me on this, it's natural. You can't think about this sort of stuff, dwell on this sort of stuff or you will hinder your recovery. If you do everything right, you won't have a problem recovering fully. You're strong and you're going to be ok. It sucks that no one is sensitive to how you're feeling since every one of us has been down this road, but it's hard. You forget real quick what it's like to be hurt, and to be hurt for an extensive period."

"I can heal physically, I always have a hard time healing mentally," I said.

"That's where you and I are the same," he replied. "You have to see someone, when you can. I know you hate it, but it's the only way to build the mental strength. You have to, you have to talk to someone."

"I am, to you," I said.

"And that's good, but I am not a professional, I can only tell you what I think is right, and sometimes that's not the right thing to do. Not that you shouldn't be talking to me, but, you know what I mean."

As usual, he was right. But there's right and then admitting he was right.


	17. Chapter 17

I could go on about how things were when Matt came to watch me, or Paul and Stephanie even. I could, but it would be repetition and who wants that? Basically, for the next few weeks after my conversation with Jeff, all was the same. Physical therapy happened three times a week with just as much progress as I had seen since I started. All three tried to convince me that I was going to be fine and that I was crazy for worrying about my career. Sadly, they all were mistaken in how I really felt, but I was so tired of trying to explain myself, so I didn't.

Walking went from being an absolute chore to being somewhat possible. All the frustrations I had from my conversation with Jeff and everything that surrounded it I used to fuel my recovery. I was getting back, before a year, and I was going to show everyone up.

Jeff was finally coming back to wrestling on RAW. I was excited for him. It had been a while and I knew he was getting the itch. I didn't know what he was going to do when he got back, what he'd say, what would happen. I couldn't promise the end of a Kurt Angle line, only Amy. Kurt was coming back as well. I was a little nervous as to how that was going to go.

Kurt was more unpredictable than Amy ever was. At least with Amy you knew what you were getting. She would throw a secret punch here and there, but I knew that every day was going to be a fight. Kurt on the other hand always fought dirty, which meant you didn't know what was going to come at you. I knew Amy would stick to the plan, we were done, but Kurt was a hot shot and I had no idea what was going to come.

Because my walking was still pretty uneasy and I still couldn't get upstairs, Jay came back to stay with me. I was more mobile than before, so things were a bit better, but I still hated being watched. Jay was better about it though.

I shuffled my way into the kitchen with my walker to see what Jay was doing. He was on his laptop at the counter, sitting on a stool.

"So, you're finally going to use that thing like you're supposed to?" he asked with a smile when I got there.

"Just you wait, I am going to turn into a cranky old person with tennis balls on the bottom and trying to attack children in the park."

"Very nice," he replied.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

"Checking e-mails, stuff like that," he replied.

"Anything good?"

"Absolutely nothing," he answered. "Never is."

"No hot dates?"

Jay laughed. He hadn't had a date in I couldn't tell you how long. I've said it a million times, but I'll say it just once more; it's nearly impossible to date. For some it's easy, they get lucky enough to either find love within the business and some get even luckier to find love outside the business, which is the toughest of all in some ways. Dating within the business has the perks of being able to see your significant other. But it's tough for the same reasons that you do see them all the time. It's a double edge sword. Dating outside has the opposite problems in that you never see the other person and you miss important points in your family's lives.

Jay falls in the category of unable to find either. He never really tried to date within, mostly because the Divas in the business are either taken or total bitches. Dating outside means being able to have the time to date, which we don't, so pretty much anyone who is married to a non wrestler came to the business that way, or came to the business with that person and then married them, hardly anyone finds love outside the business when they're in the thick of it.

"And don't get any ideas," Jay said.

"I gave up those ideas," I told him.

Jay smiled at me and then ran his hand down the side of my face. He quickly took his hand back and put it back on the counter. His smile became a nervous one and then quickly disappeared. I didn't say anything to him about it; we hardly talked about what happened at the hospital. It was thrown under the run the rug, and it was better that way. Every once in a while it creeps back out.

"Are you hungry?" he asked getting up.

"Eh, no, not really," I answered.

"Are you hurting?"

"A little," I said. "Enough."

Jay nodded. "You have to eat before you take a pill. Was the script refilled?"

"Yes, Matt filled it before he left," I answered.

Jay nodded. He went to the cabinet where the pills were kept and looked at them. I knew he was trying to keep track of what I was taking without outright doing it. I sneezed, which wasn't a fake; you know the type that you would make when you're trying to get someone's attention. Jay stopped what he was doing and turned to me.

"Can I have a tissue?" I asked. Jay handed me a paper towel. "Thanks."

"What do you want to eat?" he asked me. "I can't give you one on an empty stomach, you know that."

I nodded. He made me a toasted bagel with butter. I ate as much as I could and then tried to eat just a little more. I ate what I thought was enough to coat my stomach for a pill. Eating was still tough.

Jay handed me a pill and a glass of cranberry juice. He watched me take it, which I was never good at believe it or not. Jay had moved one of the arm chairs into the kitchen for me since I couldn't get up on any of the stools he had as chairs. His kitchen table was higher than most and the counter had bigger stools against them.

"Are you going to call Jeff before the match?" Jay asked me.

"If I do it'll be soon. I know it's going to be tough for him so I don't want o mess up his pregame," I answered. "You know how he gets; it's going to be worse now."

"Yeah, I guess so," Jay said. "Does that mean you'll be worse?"

"You won't be able to talk to me for a few days before I go back."

"I'm sort of hoping that I won't be here for your flight back," Jay said with a smile. "Or see you at the hotel or before the match or anything, maybe after."

"Oh, nice, thanks," I said.

"What, it's true, you're worse than he is sometimes," he told me. "You are, don't even try to deny that."

"You know what I am not looking forward to," I started. "All the press and interviews and photo shoots and all of that bullshit before. I am hoping that I can just get to whatever arena it'll be at and just do my thing and then maybe deal with that shit after."

"It's inevitable, you know that right? They are going to be all over you, because it's you coming back. Vince is going to cash in on that as much as he can, you know that too."

"I know, I know," I said.

Vince loved the money big stars brought in, obviously. He was a businessman and the bigger the star, or the bigger the storyline involving the star, the more money he made. To capitalize on that success is promotion. Appearances, interviews, photo shoots, all of it was a way to get money into his pocket. My return would start to be planned a month before it actually happened with buildup promos cut during commercials at first and then during the shows themselves.

Any interview I ended up doing or any photo shoot or anything would be played and shown after my match, but they set you up months in advance as to what it is you'll be doing before you're big reveal. Most comebacks are predictable, a month long build up with little promos being shown throughout the telecasts, then, a suggested date is aired as to when something will be happening. The company gives away just enough information that the die hard fans knows who's coming back. Then, boom, you're music hits and you come out with the assumption of some big speech. It always happens that way, the old timers who come back for a last hoorah, superstars back in the hay day that jumped ship from WCW, or superstars that are coming back from a serious injury, like myself.

I was hoping that Vince wouldn't decide to change my character when I came back. That sometimes happens too. You go out and come back as something else. The Undertaker left the Phenom and came back the American Badass. For him it wasn't a hard transition since he was both, the badass was him at home. He could play the role without trying. I was who I was in the ring outside. The whole dyed hair "freak" style clothes, that was me. Maybe Vince would let me come back like a badass, a relaxed, slightly toned down version of who I can be.

I did think about coming back slightly different, less over the top. I turn up a bit who I really am in the ring, you have to. I wasn't sure if anyone would really notice if I didn't wear such an extreme wardrobe or dyed my hair a different color each week. I thought about it, from time to time, and realized that it wouldn't happen.

"So, are the Team Xtreme rumors true?" Jay asked me after I took my pill.

"What rumors?"

"The rumors that a reunion is in the works," he answered. "I know you guys talked about it that pay-per-view and all, but words gotten around the locker room."

"Oh, I don't know," I said. "I would love for it, but I don't think we're ready. What Chris and I had as a team was really good and I want to get that back when I get back."

"Chris would happily step aside to let the team get back, you know he would."

"I do, but that's not fair. I like the team I have with Chris and I want the titles back. We're different enough that it works really well."

"It does. I won't lie, I didn't think that it was going to work out well. I always wondered why you chose him."

"I can't chose you or Adam, and if I did I know that won't work. It would be too weird first off, but it wouldn't. I don't fit and you don't fit with me, character wise anyway. Paul? You think I would have a shot playing on the same level as Paul? Chris was the natural choice. He could fight the big boys, but still fight on my level and make it look good and believable. It just works."

Jay nodded. "It does. There is life after the Hardy's."

I laughed a little. "At first it didn't feel that way."

"Well, of course, I don't think anyone was really prepared for what happened that night, you know. I remember hearing the fight and looking at you and honestly feeling really sad because you and Jeff really did love each other, proof that love can happen in this crazy business."

"I wish I knew why I did it. I wasn't unhappy with Jeff, never. Matt and I had a baby and that put us in a totally different situation and I think, maybe that turned into something else with me. It was a family life that I never had, never knew, and wanted so badly. I know that two people can have a baby and not be in a relationship, not be together, but that wasn't Matt. I knew it, and I think knowing all of that it pushed me to him."

"You're hook up with Matt wasn't just a hook up," Jay said.

"Maybe not," I replied. "When I came here I was terrible, still holding onto the old New York ways. I've let that go, not without hurting a few people I'm sure, though no one's come right out and said it, but I know it. When Matt and I hooked up I was getting over that, it was different. It wasn't a hook up in a fast food bathroom, which I know I will never live down."

"No, you won't, Adam will never let you," Jay said.

"And that's Adam. When we're old and gray and retired he will still bring it up. I can laugh about it now, and I know he hasn't stopped."

"He likes to be the first one to have gotten to the new girl."

"I bet," I said with a slight smile. "I know what I did; I've come to terms with it and whatever. I just know those excuses won't hold up for why I hooked up with Matt again. I felt safe with Matt and, nothing I say will ever justify what I did."

"You've punished yourself enough about this; you don't have to justify it anymore. It's done, it's over both Matt and Jeff are ready to move on. They had their fight their makeup, Jeff's made up with you, and they are ready to get the team back. That enough should let you know."

"I do, but I don't know."

"What would you do if Vince set it up?"

"I'd fight him on it," I answered.

"Really?"

"I would tell him what I told you about Chris and I, our team. We were a good sell, and I know the reunion of Team Xtreme would be a better sell, but I don't know I I'm ready."

"What?" Jay asked, looking at me like a had a million heads.

"I know, I know, but I don't know if I am ready for it. It's such a huge deal. It's such a big step. Jeff and I just started to really talk and neither of us really knows the other right now. There isn't full trust, and I don't know where Matt and Jeff stand. How can you be in a team when you don't 100% trust someone?"

Jay nodded.

"It would be too cliché if we got back together now anyway," I continued. "Everything with Amy was over, how I ended the match what I did, everyone would expect it. It wouldn't be us if it was expected."

Jay nodded again. "I guess, but it will happen."

"Of course, when we're all ready. It'll happen, it can't be forced, if it's forced, everyone's going to know and it won't feel right. If it doesn't feel right than it won't work."

It would be awkward if it was forced. It would be readable on our faces. It had to be the right moment and the right time or it would never work. It would have to be perfect to come back, and right now it wasn't perfect.

"You still would have been good with Adam and myself," Jay said with a smile.

"Oh, yeah, I don't think so," I replied.

"Why not?"

"Too different," I answered. "It wouldn't fit."

"True," he said.

"Us walking to the ring together was different, it's temporary. Being an actual member of a team is totally different. Though, it would be awesome wouldn't it?"

"Yes, yes it would."

I couldn't sit on the chair in the kitchen anymore, and I was itching to walk. I got up and pushed myself around as best I could. Jay kept a close eye on me because my walking wasn't 100% yet. He was afraid, and in typical Jay fashion was trying to watch without watching.

"You know, though, if you were on my team, you'd have to be my Diva."

"Oh, please, never," I said.

"What, you've done your fair share of sexy photo shoots," Jay told me.

"What? That belt thing? Please, that was on a total whim. I don't think I'd ever do that again."

"You don't have to be half naked to be sexy," Jay said.

Sexy wasn't something I was used to, not in the Diva sense. I knew sex appeal and how to use my sex appeal to get what I wanted. I guess being a Diva is sort of the same, using your sex appeal to tease the crowd. I wasn't comfortable with that role, it wasn't me.

"I like where I ended up," I said.

"Works for you," Jay replied.

"It does, more than I think anyone would have thought."

"So, why did Vince chose you as the next Hardy?" Jay asked. He sat down on the sofa and watched me shuffle around the room in a circle.

"I think it had everything to do with style than personality," I answered. "When he saw me train I picked up on all those high flying Hardy moves, more or less because I was bored of the bumps. He saw that, saw how natural it was, and it was, and stuck me with them. The fact that we clicked like we did was pure chance."

"Only he can have that luck," Jay said. "I can tell you this, they would have taken anyone."

"Oh, gee, thanks, Jay," I said.

"No, no, that's not what I mean. The situation was bad with Amy and all. It made all of us swear of dating within the business. It was hard though, on Matt and Jeff since they knew Amy for years before WWF. It was sort of a shock to them and us what happened."

"What happened? I just got the she cheated excuse," I said.

"Well, she did, badly. Not with anyone in the business, thank God, because I think Matt would have killed who ever that was. It was someone back in Cameron. She would make excuses to fly there on off days, even if it was just one day. Matt found out, through Jeff. Jeff overheard a conversation, did some research, found out it was a childhood friend. Matt snapped, trashed a hotel room, drank himself stupid in a hotel bar; nearly beat the shit out of Jeff for trying to help. He loved her, believe it or not, and I know it's hard for you to believe. It was sort of it for him, either she left or he would. She was easy to replace."

"Kicking her out can't be just because of a cheating thing. Vince would never change a team around because someone was unhappy, it's not like we're talking about Paul or Mark or someone."

"No, of course not," Jay said. "But they were on the rise, hugely popular, cash machines, so in order to keep the fans happy he replaced the one piece that could be replaced. Female fans spend more than male fans."

"I know, but how, what was the angle?"

"They just turned against her. Amy got pissed at Jeff for blowing her cover, Matt was hurt to the point of almost not being able to function, Jeff was mad at Amy for destroying his brother. The fans could see it and Jeff blew the cover, adding another nail to the coffin for her. They saw Matt being just about useless in the ring, he didn't have matches, and when he was ring side with Jeff he barely moved."

I nodded. "I thought it was worse."

"What's worse than being betrayed by the one person you truly loved?"

I didn't answer. I know that Jay didn't mean anything by that question, but it made me think. Amy was kicked out of the team, out of their lives, basically replaced at the drop of a dime, by me, over something like cheating. It was a mind blowing thought. Part of me knew that there had to be more, but I knew Jay wouldn't know.

I considered myself really lucky. I was out of the team, so to speak, but things were looking up. I ruined Jeff, but he found it to forgive me, somehow. I wasn't the bad guy like Amy was. I then wondered what made me so special. How was I able to come back and she wasn't?


	18. Chapter 18

I opened and closed my phone a few times before I decided to call Jeff about his Jeff. I knew what he would be like and I knew calling him was going to be a stretch for information. I finally dialed.

"Hi," he said.

"I know, you don't like to talk, but I had to call and make sure you were ok, and not driving everyone insane."

"I'm actually being good," he said. "I locked myself in a bathroom stall."

"Very nice, a new one for you I think."

"Yeah well I don't have a lot of options," he said.

"Everyone's trying to find you, wish you luck, ask you if it's good to be back?"

"Exactly."

"I bet it's great to be back," I said.

"It would be, but it isn't yet."

"I know that everyone's said this to you, but just be careful," I told him. "Kurt's unpredictable and I-"

"Des, I'm going to be fine," he replied.

"And you probably will be, but I don't know, it's my job to worry. That's all I can do now is worry."

"I guess I would be too," he said. "I will when you get back."

"See, it all works," I replied.

"I'm honestly nervous," he said. "I don't know why, it's not like I haven't been away for a month or so, you know? I've been hurt before."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I don't know. I feel like there's more riding on this than ever before."

"Maybe it's because you took on Kurt Angle, someone who should have broken you, and you won. You didn't jump off a huge ladder through a table and bust your ass."

"I guess, it feels different," Jeff replied.

"This might be your moment," I told him. "You're finally able to sit at the table with the big boys."

"Maybe," he said. He paused for a moment. "It just doesn't feel complete."

I then started to hear voices in the background.

"I think you're found," I said.

"Yeah, you're right," he sighed. "I'll call you right after I go out, I'm actually making a speech, believe it?"

"No, I don't," I laughed.

"I'll call you, I promise, bye."

"Bye, Jeff."

RAW was to kick off in an hour. Jay and I were ready, nachos, wings, mini pizzas, quesadillas, the works. It looked like we were ready for the Super Bowl more than a wrestling show, but it was the only way we knew how to do it.

"You're going to eat everything now?" I asked. "You're not going to have anything left."

"Don't worry, we're good. I have more," Jay said. He twisted open a beer. "No, you can't have one so don't give me that look."

I laughed. Jay made a plate for me since I really couldn't lean to the table. I sat back and put my Snapple on the couch.

The very first thing on RAW was Hardy Boyz music. My body tensed up and Jay looked confused, and then smiled when he saw Jeff come out alone.

"Hear the reception for Jeff Hardy," King said.

"For those of you who don't remember, and I can't see how you don't, Jeff Hardy faced Kurt Angle last month and has been out since with a knee injury. He is making his return tonight, and apparently has something to say."

Jeff jumped off the turnbuckle and took a mic.

"I know this isn't my forte here, so bear with me. I'm not the best with words," he said. "Thank you for the reception, it's good to know I was missed and good to be back. Now, down to business, last month at Unforgiven I faced Kurt Angle. It was a put up or shut up match, and I have to say, I put it up and shut him up. I've done some crazy stuff before, jumping off ladders, cages, you know it, I've put my body on the line a ton of times, for you."

He paused, the crowd went insane.

"Yes for all of you. I didn't do this for you, not this time. I'm sorry to have to admit it, but I didn't. I would never cross paths with Kurt Angle, not on normal circumstances. Kurt went after someone very dear to me, someone I can say I loved someone I can say that I love. You don't go after someone I love, and expect to get away with it, and Kurt, you didn't. Now, Kurt I can't say for sure that you've learned your lesson, but I have learned a lot of things about forgiveness these past two years, and I am learning from someone and I think she's right-"

He was cut off, by Kurt. I didn't know if this was planned, but the look on Jeff's face made me believe it wasn't. I barely had time to digest what Jeff was saying when Kurt's music hit. He wasn't in his ring attire, but jeans and a shirt. He walked down, not like his normal cocky self. He went into the ring and grabbed a mic and looked right at Jeff.

"Hardy, I give you credit, I'll admit that," he said. "You did beat me, and for someone like you that's not an easy thing to do. So, here we are, all healed up, after a match for the ages, defending and torturing people we both love and hate, what do we do? I know you're trying to lean towards what Destiny has done with Lita, they're burring the hatches, or at least paying zero attention to each other. If that can work for them, I wish them the best of luck. Where does that leave us? See, Hardy, I can't say I have a real problem with you. I mean, you're annoying, reckless, and an all around pain the ass, but you're not on my level. If you're suggesting doing what your little woman is doing than I say fine. I have no problem ignoring you, pretending you don't exist. I'm above and beyond you, so continue to jump off whatever you feel like you're but a spot on my shoe."

He got booed, naturally, but I felt relieved. If Kurt had come out to either face Jeff, or continue to make his life a living hell, I wasn't sure how much longer Jeff would have been able to hold on.

"You're pretty much right about me there, Kurt," Jeff said. "You're not on my level either. Hard to believe right? Big bad Kurt Angle can't fly with Jeff Hardy. It's ok. Yes, Kurt, I would love to pay you zero attention, but I will always have a bad taste for you, and I don't know if that will ever go away, but I am trying to deal."

Kurt nodded his head and turned his back on Jeff and walked to the other end of the ring facing the ramp. I felt like he was going to turn and hit Jeff with a cheap shot, but he didn't.

"Fair enough, Hardy," Kurt said. "Fair enough, I'll give you that."

Kurt dropped his mic at his side and stuck his hand out to Jeff. Jeff took it and shook his hand. Kurt didn't retaliate, he just exited the ring.

"Well," Jay said when the show cut to commercial.

"Yes," I replied.

"I didn't know where that was going," he said. "It could have gone a million different ways."

It may not seem like much, but for Jeff it was. Matt was the voice of the two of them, and every once in a while, Jeff would have something to say. His speeches were short and to the point. This wasn't, and it was obvious he was nervous and out of his league.

I wanted to call him after the commercials were over and I knew he was in the back. I knew he was going to be mobbed by people backstage so I decided against it. I just sent him a text to call me when he could.

"If you are just joining us you missed one hell of an encounter between Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle," JR said to kick the show back off again. Ly

"It looks like Jeff has become the bigger man and putting an end to the nonsense and unnecessary antics that went on between them."

"It seems, JR, that this pay-per-view has opened a lot of people's eyes," King added. "We know that Lita and Destiny have ended the feud they had when Destiny first started."

"Everyone is turning over a new leaf, King, and it can only mean better things."

"Do you still think that it'll work with Amy?" Jay asked me.

"I actually have faith in her," I answered. "I don't think she has a choice. She's walking on a thin line, or was."

"What do you mean?"

"She was too much of a bad guy because what she was doing was real. It wasn't a planned thing. We were mean to each other on purpose and did things to be mean. She took it just one step ahead of me, always. You knew what we were doing was real and not normal WWE drama."

"Yes, it was painful to watch," Jay said. "We knew."

After the break the cameras went backstage and showed Matt and Jeff in the locker room. Matt was sitting down and Jeff was pacing around.

"It was like nothing I ever experienced," Jeff said. "I've done promos before, but that? I thought I was a dead man, I really did. Kurt had that look in his eye that he was going to make a move-"

There was a bang at the door. Matt got up to get it.

"Hunter," Matt said. Jeff froze.

Because of what happened with Matt and me the Power Trip had to break up. There wasn't a falling out, but a brief department with the brothers, and my then permanent exit from Team Xtreme. Slowly there was a trickledown effect. It had to be done so the fans didn't know the exact reason, but know Jeff and I had broken up, and soon after the brothers.

I didn't want the fans to know the real reason behind the break up between Jeff and myself. It had to do with the breakup being real, and I think that was sensed it was pretty obvious, and the circumstances surrounding it. We were a close team, closer than any, we were like family, and if they knew the real reasons, I would never be forgiven.

How it winded up being showed was that Matt and Jeff simply grew apart, and until about a year later when Matt helped Jeff win a match did they work it out. Blood is thicker than water.

After that reunion Hunter began looking at Jeff. They fought it out a few times in the ring, and it was a good story line, but then it spilled over into the every day. They were uneasy around each other, mostly Paul was uneasy around Jeff. The fans ate it up because they knew the relationship I had with Hunter in the ring. Of course the tensions between Paul and Jeff are now gone.

"Did you need something?" Matt asked.

Hunter went into the room and looked at Jeff.

"You know, Hardy, we've had our ups and downs over the years. What you did to Kurt for my girl says a lot. What you said tonight for my girl just might say more."

"Just trying to do what's right," Jeff replied.

"You are, Hardy, you are."

Hunter patted Jeff on the back and left.

Commercial.

"Don't think I am kissing his ass," Jay said smiling.

"They are setting up for a reunion I am not sure I want to be a part of yet."

"You might not have a choice," Jay told me.

"I'm worried about that."

I have a very well known relationship with Vince McMahon. At this point I didn't really know where it stood. From the moment I got my match with Amy, it became my only focus. I don't remember talking to him once I except when he approved my match. I wasn't sure which Vince I was going to get.

"You're at that point where it might not matter," Jay said.

"That all depends on if Vince wants to hate me that day."

"You'll be coming back from the match of your career, I don't think he can play that with you anymore."

"We have a history," I said.

"He has that history with just about everyone. You are officially untouchable now."

I laughed.

"It's true, you are now an official prostitute of Vincent Kennedy McMahon."

I laughed again, but saw the truth it what he was saying. It's hard to get a true read on Vince. As much as he cared about his superstars, he loved making money a bit more. If you weren't making him any, he didn't want to hear it. It's kind of harsh.

Jeff didn't have a match tonight but Matt did against Edge. Jay found it funny. During the match, both Dudley Boys stood up at the top of the ramp. They walked about half way down the ramp to watch Jeff walk to the both of the ramp and keep an eye.

"Did I miss something?" I asked.

"Vince is bringing it back," Jay answered. "Think TLC 2."

"Ohhhh," I said.

"I'm pretty excited," Jay said. "It may get old at times, but I am never happier than when I'm in that storyline."

"I can understand," I said. "I hope I don't start feeling that way."

"About Amy? I don't think you will. I don't hate those guys like you hate Amy. There is no hate, and it's not a chore to face them. You know, it won't be the same without you."

"Hey, don't try and guilt me. Just because it won't happen right away doesn't it mean it won't at all."

When Matt's match ended, and he won, the Dudley's simply walked back up the ramp. One of many messages sent by all three teams.


End file.
